Covetousness

COVETOUSNESS

I've recently come to realize the jealousy that resides inside my heart.

Perhaps I've always thought of myself as a humble person, and so my response to sensing my own pride is to pretend that it's not there.

But on the evening worship of Good Friday, my pride became something that I could not ignore.

I was trying to draw near to God in worship, but I couldn't focus. I came to realize how good I felt about myself when covetousness arose in me in response to perceiving other people's signs of sincere worship. I had the notion that I should be able to produce more "pure worship" than most others, if anything of the sort exists. Perhaps it's because I think I pursue God more seriously than they do. Anyhow, it was very disturbing.

I found that what I had on the flip side of this sinful desire was a lack of love for my brothers and sisters. Shouldn't I be happy if they become more godly than I do? Don't I hope for their best?

I had to come to admit this attitude to myself and deal with it.

I found that this was related to why I don't approach people. I am not concerned about them because I only care about how good I am.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
(1 Corinthians 13:1-3)