Friday, March 6, 2015

To Feel Myself Beloved (By God)

PERSONAL UPDATE, MARCH 2015

I read through my journal today out of a need to reflect. Then I felt that it would be nice to share some of it as a source of encouragement.

A lot of the entries might seem really random, but note that sometimes I don't write them in one go, but at different times throughout the day.


* * * * *

January 4

Never pity yourself; it is of no benefit to others.

Fear God and nothing else can scare you, because you will realize that there is nothing more terrifying than our sovereign God who is holy.

Still trying to overcome my social disability. Internally, I'm dealing with my pride and selfishness by the Word of God and prayer. Externally, I'm learning to say hi. A greeting is important because it signals the beginning of a relationship, in the context of which all conversations are held.

Had a great time of prayer today. Wept before the Lord, who keeps my tears in a bottle. May God help me to put my confidence in Him, not in my intelligence, my looks, my good works, what others think of me, whether I feel pleasant, what I see around me, my awareness of my need, nor my awareness of His grace, but only in Him.

Good night.


* * * * *

January 5

Israel never lost a battle for not fighting hard enough; each time they lost was due to a lack of faith.

School begins! Good morning! Another day to fight my vices.


* * * * *

January 6

Feeling hardened.

In my thoughts, wondered: what is it that I really seek? I realized that I'm hardly ever persuaded to pursue God apart from seeing the ugliness in my own life. What if God removes my social obstacles? What if I'm one day able to be confident before people instead of trembling? What reason will I have to always be broken and penitent before God?

I need to fear Him. I need to see His wrath as my greatest problem. I also need to see my sin as my greatest problem. Sin and death, my mortal enemies. Jesus my Savior.


* * * * *

January 7

What is prayer? Is prayer an act of dealing with one's own spiritual life? Is it our way of "handling" the spiritual aspect of our lives, like the way we handle our physical health, our finances, our schedules, our mentality, and our relationships? Or is it God's way of handling us, to rule over us as Lord?

"But the LORD is in his holy temple;
    let all the earth keep silence before him."
(Habakkuk 2:20)

Good morning! Another day to NOT grumble. Jesus is victorious!


* * * * *

January 9

Read Psalm 8 today morning. Beautiful song about how the glory of God is revealed, how God intends to shock the world by crowning the weak and lowly with His glory.

God is glorious, God is wonderful. Do I believe that enough? Am I able to say:

"Though the fig tree should not blossom,
    nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation."

(Habakkuk 3:17-18)


* * * * *

January 17

Saturday. Woke up very sick, with a painful swollen throat and a headache. Could hardly eat anything. Felt that it was God afflicting me for my sins. Was sober that morning, can't remember even cracking a smile. Wanted to take my punishment seriously. Was touched when God gave me two providential meals of porridge through my mother and teacher Mei Fang, both of whom prepared the meals without knowing I was sick. God of gentleness.

Also, Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. What a model girl! So desirable.


* * * * *

January 19

God hears the voice of the silent,
His eyes see those in the shadows
Who do not rise up for themselves,
But who lift their weeping eyes and say,
"I will not touch God's appointed ones,
Though they are mad, I hold my peace."

Behold, the time is coming
When the LORD of hosts shall arise.
Many believe not that it draws near;
They mock the humble and submissive.
Yet when the LORD thunders,
Their hands will fly to their mouths,
And flustered kings and leaders will say,
"Woe to me, what have I done?"
 

Obey your leaders, honor your parents,
For their authority is from God,
And they will be judged more severely.
As for you, why should you be judged
For disrespect and rebellion?
God hears the voice of the silent,
His eyes see those in the shadows
Who do not rise up for themselves.

God appoints mad kings out of deep wisdom;
He establishes evil leaders for our good.


* * * * *

January 20

How much longer do I have to drag myself out of bed? Where is the joy and wonder of being a Christian? Why am I still looking backward to see Sodom and Gomorrah?

I realize that there are so many things in this life I desire, all built around my life goal. Tonight I came to know my true life goal, and it is this vision of myself getting a degree, studying theology, becoming a prodigious and likeable pastor, having involvement in the arts as I grow up (hopefully write stories, work in film), becoming a respected expert in various disciplines, writing widely acclaimed books, perhaps having a beautiful wife and a happy family with excellent and godly children, and leaving behind an incredible legacy.

"And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth."—Raymond Carver.

Ambition is a crafty beast that dies hard.

This was a life goal I had never shared with God. Indeed, I don't think I was even fully aware I had it. But now it has to go. New goal: know God, love God, trust God, follow God, glorify God.

This unpopular path I shall follow. But communion with God is far better than human acceptance and admiration.

Thank God for answering my prayer in allowing me to know what I truly wanted.


* * * * *

January 22

How can one fight this impossible war if he does not believe in a sure victory?

I need to live in the victory of Christ, or I can do nothing. And the victory of Christ is what He already did to free the world from sin and death. I must fight by faith, and faith is the recognition and reliance upon the gracious redemption of God, and its fruit is the confidence to fight greater enemies, which are the devil, the flesh, and the world. I must not consider myself enslaved, I must NOT relent.


* * * * *

January 26

Every crisis is granted that we correct ourselves and grow in the adoration of God.

It is because you believe in a God who works little that you are beset with sluggishness. Remember that God is always, always working, whether you perceive it or not. "But Jesus answered them, 'My father is working until now, and I am working.'" (John 5:17)

Pursue God and gain great wisdom;
Pursue great wisdom and gain madness.

Behold and be new. You become what you worship.


* * * * *

January 28

There is no courage without fear.

1 Chronicles was nice. Its ending reminded me of the ending of Exodus, where preparations were made for the presence of God to be among the Israelites.

What a glorious theme in the Bible. We begin at Eden, where God was present with man. After Adam was cast out, a problem was introduced: how can we ever be together with God again? As the narrative moves along, we see that God selects a group of rather unremarkable people to be present with. He manifests His presence in the tabernacle and the temple, where those who wish to draw near have to be cleansed. Then God comes in the flesh, and sinners drew near and touched him, and they did not die, but were comforted and healed. Then God came at Pentecost and lived inside us, being united to our souls in a profound, inconceivable way, sharing our every groan in anticipation of glory, and transforming us into the very image of God.

How do we get together with God? It is already done in Christ for us. We receive the Holy Spirit by faith. And we must never again insult Him by thinking that we are lonely.


* * * * *

January 29

I just realized yesterday that I had my own toilet. Imagine that! I suddenly felt pathetic that I was feeling how terrible my life is. Some people don't even have the privilege to stand in the shower and lament about their lives. I, however, have my own toilet! What am I doing with my vast resources? Am I doing this?:

"You have an abundance of workmen: stonecutters, masons, carpenters, and all kinds of craftsmen without number, skilled in working gold, silver, bronze, and iron. Arise and work! The LORD be with you!"
(1 Chronicles 22:15-16)


* * * * *

February 2

Felt worldly from the very moment I woke up. It is amazing how just two days in the world can cause me to forget who I am.

What is my complaint? Possibly that God seems perfectly fine with people hating Him and ridiculing His people. It makes Him seem cold and stubborn, and somewhat tactless. We have to argue and plead for people to come, yet all the power to save souls is in His hands. He appears to me tightfisted and ungenerous. And He seems so silent. And I'm just tired.

I'm sorry. That is my sincere sentiment.

Gosh, I really have to be hated in order to be faithful. Perhaps that is the glory of it, that we give up wealth, pleasure, and acceptance in order to gain Christ. That highlights His immense value.

Why is Christ valuable to me? Is it not because He saves me from that terrible, terrible wrath? Is it not because He is just perfect? Is it not because He gave and continues to give me countless chances to live again?

I am not my own.


* * * * *

February 6

Thank God for giving a wretch a good night's rest.

Thought a lot today about how much of my effort is geared towards impressing the opposite gender. It's disgusting but it's true.

I keep thinking about myself, "I have to be more than this, I have to be more than this..." But why? And what standard am I measuring myself up against? The scrutiny of females? Ultimately, I'm still self-consumed. Still overly concerned about what I have to be.

Dear God, don't let external pressure tempt me and rob me of my quest for the sight of Your glory. Give me back my first love. Cannot I learn to be excited about You? Satisfy me, I beg You!

Make me surrender.


* * * * *

February 11

Had an exam for my theology class. One of the questions asked about the relation between Eden and Canaan. After writing down the answer, which related to being cast out of God's presence for covenant-breaking, I sat there for a while and let it sink in.

Is it right to judge my current condition as having been cast out? Is that characteristic of the new covenant?

No, God had always been with me all this while. Through my failures, my sickness, my insecurity, he remains as a gentle voice in me. I have to believe that, or I have no hope whatsoever. I must believe that flaws in me do not negate the fact that the Spirit lives in me.

Stand strong, Josh. Never give up your fight.


* * * * *

February 18

I've been writing less. Perhaps it means that I'm relying less upon the security of my reflections, which is a good thing.

Of course, I still need to reflect. So that's one of the things I'll be doing this CNY.

Alright, what now? I gotta make good use of my holiday. Gotta stop wasting time, gotta expend all my energy and time for love!

Writing projects: Spiritual warfare (blog)
Reading projects: 1 Cor. 13:1-7, 1 Sam. 27, 2 Chr., Introduction to the Old Testament, morning readings.
Prayer projects: Brothers (especially Dao Yi), church, opportunities for gospel engagement, national and global concerns. 


* * * * *

Hope that wasn't too much.

Love this song, it reminds me of the deep longing I have inside for the day where all sin, suffering, and doubt will cease.