Year 2013: Part 2

YEAR 2013: PART 2

Items that really defined 2013 for me include:
- Preparation for much-hoped-for future career in film
- The visit to Sarawak
- Port Dickson youth camp


* * * * *

WARILY TREADING THE PATH OF AN ARTIST

I gave up the idea of making movies at the beginning of the year. I found that, to me, it was an idolatrous ambition, and I set it down. However, later on this year, it came back in a new form.

I reconsidered this ambition because I realized, after coming across a particular theological view on art, that I really could worship God by this means.

It was an article that first brought to my attention how I ignored the relationship between the practical and the beautiful, for what is considered practical is founded on what is beautiful. We think that it's practical to get a degree and get a job with stable income only because we believe that there is beauty in life that motivates us to keep going.

We believe that it is practical to be effective and efficient in preaching to the nations because God is beautiful and worth worshiping forevermore.

I later read Art and the Bible by Francis Schaeffer, which I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, and almost immediately I reconsidered becoming a filmmaker, because it expressed in Biblical terms the passion I once had for movies. Sure, my initial ambition was sorely pride-driven, but I also had a real desire to capture the glory of God in this medium. It was a desire to express God's worthiness with something louder than shouting: a structured combination of words, visuals, and music.

I wanted, as I did ever since I was young, to be a storyteller.

Although I was frequently told that I'm very scientifically minded, once again, I am not fooled by the postmodern concept that structure dilutes beauty. In fact, I believe that structure empowers and is part of beauty. Thus, with my systematic mind, I will attempt to delve into a career that deals with more "personal" subject matter, for God is both the source of order and of personality.

Part of my passion is to prove that Christians actually can, from the heart, believe in that Gospel that we preach, because it is difficult to sing, dance, write poetry, and make films about something you do not have passion and love for. There are songs and poems and visual art that express God's attributes, but sadly, I have seen few Christian films and few dances that really gave me an impression of the artist's passion for God. Maybe it's tougher in these areas because it's a very directly human performance.

Even in my personal attempt to do so in Chroniac and Christ, I consider myself to have failed. I've perhaps presented a Biblical, depressing view of the condition of mankind, but the Gospel part of the film was not strong enough, because at that point even I myself did not have enough passion for a God-centered Gospel, and also my view of eternal life was fairly bleak during then.

What is NOT part of my passion is to bring major change to society and culture, with the view that movies have a great influence on the broad culture. My intention is not to "soften up" unbelievers to believe in the Gospel. Not that I deny that there is possibility of cultural change or of getting the attention of unbelievers, but I simply do not believe that not having movies will hinder the spread of the Gospel and the advancement of God's kingdom.

I do not believe that making Christian films is a "church ministry", in the narrow sense. It is a ministry in the broad sense that it is my worship to God, just like any other regular career. Thus, I'm very concerned about the focus on calling this the "age of visuals". That may be true in some way, but we must not pretend that a mere change in methods will result in revival. We need to preach repentance and salvation in the church, in the weekly worship, where there are rightly some restrictions on art to prevent distraction.

In conclusion, I no longer see the filmmaker as one whose voice will have more influence than the pastor's, but merely one who serves humbly in his area of work.

I am wary though, because it's obviously unsafe to have a career involving so much aesthetic and feeling, especially in this postmodern age. That is probably why I believe my analytical thinking suitable for scrutinizing everything as I go along in this career. However, I still have my uncertainties.

Sure, there are many internal and external suggestions that this will be the path God wills for me, but I also understand that at this point, movies still have an idolatrous power over me. I need to deal with sin, and put creation under the Creator.


* * * * *

TESTIMONY TO A CHURCH IN SARAWAK

During August this year, I went on a trip to a Baptist church in Sarawak to which Dr. Samuel Ling was an adviser.

It was quite a privilege, because I am but a teenage boy, and given the task to share to the other teenagers in that church what we've learned in our church. It seems even less fitting that Dr. Sam was leading the small team, including my parents, me, and Francis.

Part of Dr. Sam's intention was to encourage the church body by having "regular believers" like us share about the great things we've understood and experienced. Thus, very simply, that's what we did.

I consider it a great moment for me this year, because I was blessed with an opportunity to truly examine myself as I prepared to share to the church. We went there for three days, but I only shared for two sessions, totaling to around three hours of speaking; so it's not hard to imagine the great amount of time for personal reflection in the hotel room, in the warm bath.

Firstly, it was a great turning point for me in how I viewed the changes that were occurring in the fellowship, because when I got there, they were also facing almost the same problems. Their fellowship was teaching the Shorter Catechism and boring teenagers to death. It made me accept more that I could not possibly get every single person to stay in the fellowship if we were going to preach the true Word of God. It was helpful to distance myself for a while from what I considered to be my burden, and see things the way God sees things, not the carnal ways certain church members did.

Also, it was a fruitful personal review of the most important truths I've learned these few years: repentance and God's Word. Those were the two topics I shared with the youths, and was, in my opinion, an effective summary of what God had taught me ever since the reform in our Sunday school and fellowships began. I used one sentence, "Repent, and believe and obey the Word", to describe what it means to be a true Christian. It was an occasion of thanksgiving and also much fear, because it was during my preparation that I realized how incredibly heavy and important those doctrines were, and I really had to know what I was talking about.

Another memorable part about the visit was that Dr. Sam was our team leader. It really appalls me, how much of just being around him can affect me. When you see him teach or preach, you see the grandness and faithfulness of his theology. But if you somehow manage to stick around, his humility is quite surprising, and you see that he really does mean much of what he says, because his life is truly one of submission. You don't see many pastors of his stature admitting their uncertainties or listening very attentively to "regular believers", but he did, and it was very encouraging.

The way he unites high theology with down-to-earth life is also illustrated in how he jumbled up our plans for sharing, right before the day we were going to share. It indirectly revealed our self-consciousness in our initial preparation, because we were probably too absorbed with our own sharing to concern ourselves with how much the listeners would be able to understand. He gave our sharing a more attractive and passionate structure. And this later influenced the way I planned programs for the fellowship.

Right before we left for the airport, we were at a restaurant for dinner. I was eating really slow, as usual, and we had to leave quickly. At the last minute, I began to forcefully stuff whatever was left into my mouth, and Dr. Sam, who was sitting beside me, gave me a pat on the back and told me to relax.

That was not the first time someone attempted to correct my eating habits, but when he said it, I was somehow quite sure that he saw more than just my eating habits. He probably saw, under a cover of youthful godliness, a nervous little boy who hasn't learned to trust God yet.

I probably found it hard to trust anybody else who told me to relax, because I also saw anxiety in them. But when someone who's really learned to trust God over the years tells me that I can do the same, there's something very credible about that.

Of course, even if his intentions were not so deep, I at least know that God's were. Because I understood then, that even in all these great roles of responsibility, I can still freely admit my weaknesses and trust God. And it is joyful.


* * * * *

FELLOWSHIP IN THE LIGHT

On Christmas eve, I realized that the sin in my heart includes this statement: "I want God out of my life."

It was a terrible realization that came from asking myself what God really meant to me. And, being in a state of little desire for God, and much desire for an idol that shall not be named, that's honestly what I felt.

Of course, it immediately brought a surge of despair followed by a sense of true need for Christ to save me, which is surely why it was necessary for God to reveal it to me.

That was a precursor to the camp, which lasted from December 26 to 28.

It was cool, the camp was. You don't usually get more than 80% of youths in a room confessing that they're not true believers, even though they have been in church for years. It was great because a lot of the youths were truly beginning to think about their salvation. It was also very cool because you get quite a number of 21st century teenagers listening to hours of sermon, which is rare, and very good training.

For me, the portion in 1 John about loving the body of Christ was an answer to the desperate question that bothered me since Christmas eve: "What do I do, Lord?" Before I heard this, I was feeling very lost indeed, knowing that part of me hated God, knowing that I had nothing to give Him, and feeling very unworthy of the salvation I believed I had. And so I kept begging God to let me have assurance regarding how I am to serve Him, because I really wanted to.

Hearing that I serve God by serving my brothers and sisters, I immediately became comfortable in my "clique", knowing that I must strengthen the bonds that are already there between those of us with similar conviction. The carnal notion of treating everyone in the world in exactly the same manner was scrapped. Of course I will love my brothers and sisters in Christ more than I love those whom I can't identify as saints. And by doing so, I will learn to love the unbelievers more, too.

For some reason I can't remember for the life of me, I also gained a greater hope in eternal life. Before the camp, I was a little displeased at the idea of being taken away by the Lord at a young age, because I seemed to believe there are some things in this life that cannot be found in eternity. But I realized that just as the New Testament is so much better and complete than the Old, so will the consummation of all things be better than the last days.

I used to be afraid that I won't be able to make films, or get married, or grow old, because I was concerned that eternal life was void of these things. Now I understand that these ideas are idolatrous, because these things in life should do nothing more than point to the better things in store for us in eternity. My worship of God in eternity will far exceed the glory of movies that I can make on earth, the marriage of the church to Christ will overshadow any romance that occurs on earth, and eternal joy in the works of the Lord will render nostalgia on earth a petty thing.

This hope gives me a very, very powerful motivation to choose what is right over what seems easy, because I know that I will not regret it in eternity. Especially with my brothers and sisters, I attempt to say and do what is uncomfortable but needed, because I know that when we smile at each other in eternity, I won't be complaining.

Thus, a very clear goal was set for my life in 2014: I will joyfully seek God with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Nothing more and nothing less.

Oh God, thank You so much for entrusting to me all the pain and pleasure that I've experienced in this year. Your way is always correct.

Continue to deal with me and guide me.

In the glorious name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Year 2013: Part 1

YEAR 2013: PART 1

Items that really defined 2013 for me include:
- Taking on the role of fellowship leader
- Departure from drama class
- 1 Samuel Bible study & Renewed Life fellowship


* * * * *

AT THE HELM OF AGAPE FELLOWSHIP

The is the one of the two events that ended 2012 on a violent note for me.

Becoming leader was a violent choice. It was violent against my personal temperament. I did not really like to lead, because I didn't really like society in general.

It was probably also violent against the opinions of other people. I volunteered for leadership, and of course they didn't want to put me down, so they did not oppose. But they probably knew deep inside that I was quite self-absorbed, and not really leadership material.

About a week ago Stephen called. He was struggling with the same question, but with greater intensity because he has a greater understanding of his weakness than I did last year around this time. At first, he completely dismissed the idea of becoming the leader of Renewed Life fellowship. But some people were urging him on. Talking to him made me think more about what made me decide to do it last year.

Pride was honestly a factor. I fancied myself the theologically superior to the rest of the members, so of course I should be the one.

But also there's God's hand in this. Like I said, I did not like to lead. But despite this, somehow God used my own fleshly desires to never push away an opportunity to learn to lead.

Since I was young, I was given lots of opportunities to lead small groups and so on. When I was 14, I very foolishly volunteered to be president of camp, without really knowing what the job was for. I did terrible. All I knew was that if nobody wanted it, it doesn't kill me to try. I was trying to break the boundaries of my own introversion, because it felt terrible living in my own world. I wanted to be noticed and to be commended.

As much as I hated leading, I rarely rejected a direct invitation to do so, and thus was almost consistently trained to do so from the time I began to home school.

Of course, the motivation behind my endurance of such a training is sinful. But God used it for good.

And so, other than the pride factor, there was the perception of God's will for me to do it. I looked around and nobody really seemed ready to lead. Somehow I knew it was my turn, in addition to external encouragements that I'm the next one to take the role. Seeing the work of God in my life, I felt quite ready. I hoped to bring some sort of revival to the fellowship.

It was until this year that I found out it wasn't meant to be pretty.

I felt like God stripped me bare. My mistakes were going public, and I saw the effects they have on people. I was not as good a leader as I expected myself to be, and I became increasingly frightened of the role. Every week became a performance, and my acting was so bad I could've won a Razzie Award.

I hated it. It was the introvert's worst nightmare: being publicly disliked. I feel responsible for nearly halving the number of people who are turning up. My plans turned out to be worthless, and I realized I didn't know nor care about my fellowship members at all. Yet I was still at the helm and struggling with all my personal problems.

I was so scared. Now that I look back, I realize that I was truly so scared. Halfway through the year, the idea of giving up crept in. Of course, it was just a ridiculous idea that I knew I couldn't possibly put into action. I was too ashamed to ask for replacement.

Such intense psychological suffering was God's molding of me, I realize. I always thought that if I'm good enough, God will use me. But now I know that isn't true. He loves me more than that; His using of me is also His molding of me. My pride was so great that He had to put me through a time like this to humble me. And after a year, I reckon it worked.

I learned how not to take it personally. I learned to say, even in a leadership position, "I'm broken and lost." I learned that there are greater glories than my shriveled ego. I learned that being small was a contentment. And by learning that I did not care for people, I began to learn to care.

Now I step down. I'm relieved that it has ended. Not that I'm no longer the leader, but that the days when I've had such a high degree of desire to please people have ended. A storm has calmed.

I expected myself to write some comments about how I did as a leader, but it seems that it's not so important to me. What's important is that God used it to bless me. I was just an imperfect vessel used for the perfect work of God.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
(1 Corinthians 13:11-13)


* * * * *

MY THIRD FAMILY?

The second violent event that marked the end of 2012 was my clash with my drama teacher, Milo.

There was a severe disappointment when I declared my lack of affection for my drama classmates during the drama camp last year. Of course, that was only half true; it was what I hoped to feel about them. I wished I cared less, because I knew that my infatuation with them was selfish and fleshly in the eyes of God. I knew I could not recognize them as a third family despite the incredibly strong connection I felt.

Nevertheless, I was rebuked for saying I felt that way, and also for explaining my Christian views the next morning to my teacher. I was told off for being extremist, and most importantly, was fired from my position as director and told to never return to the class again.

This was disappointing news to whoever heard it in the class. Why did I turn out to be someone like this? But they don't understand. They never did. I do.

I understood it to be God's calling. One can discuss at length what my mistakes were when speaking to the teacher, what I should've said instead and so on. But the moment he told me I shouldn't be director anymore, what I heard was God calling, "It's time, son. Time to move on to the next step of your journey."

I was so shocked and so relieved, I asked, almost in disbelief, "You would let me off?"

The thing was, I was going to direct a play for this April. I tried to sneak in my Christian views, in the worst sense of the word. But it was noticed, and I was asked to change it. My conscience wouldn't let me, and I was struggling with what to do once I started to direct it.

God let me off. And although the teacher regretted his decision to remove me from his class that very night, I knew I wasn't going to go back, because God did not rescind His decision. From then on, there was no turning back. It was for the greater good.

Why is this event important to me? Because I like them so much. I really do, and some of them especially. It was such intense pain to admit that I cannot be affectionate toward them the way they want me to, that I would not experience anything with similar intensity until half a year later, in my role as fellowship leader.

God removed the distraction, and freed up more of my time for Him. I did not have to spend three to four months of my time preparing for a stage play, and I spent more time alone to struggle with Him. The obsession with trying to be a great actor and to develop acting theories was dropped. I had one less crowd to please.

I was allowed more focus on attempting to lead God's sheep. That was so much more important.

I always wanted to return. At certain points, I desired for it so much I almost made the decision to do so. God, through many methods, prevented me from doing so.

About a month ago, there was the farewell event for the 17-year-olds, because we were supposed to be graduating from the drama class. I was invited, too, and I went. Within a day, we prepared our final stage play together, and acted it out that night. The stage play was about us, of course, and our reminisce of what we called the "Kiwi Journey". My words from the 2012 drama camp about how I only went to drama class to study drama, and not to seek a certain feeling, was featured in the play. 

And while the original idea for it was to picture our "Kiwi Journey" come to a glorious end, I was glad my involvement injected honesty into it, and at the end of our play we were not depicted as heroes at the end of a journey, but as imperfect people at the beginning of another one. Because that's what it was.

Then of course, there was the thing I said in another post about people telling me about their admiration for me and whatnot. That thorn stuck with me for a while, but as expected, it no longer does.

Their appeal to me will fade more and more. They might dislike me increasingly. And by distancing myself from them, by being holy, I will learn to truly love them, if God allows.


* * * * *

MR. CHUN CHUNG

Two consistent sources of spiritual nourishment this year are the Westminster Shorter Catechism group discussions on Friday nights, and 1 Samuel Bible study on Saturday afternoons. It was during those times of fellowship that I could set down the burden of being leader. Hopefully, they will continue next year.

A few weeks ago, there was an event in Renewed Life fellowship where we were to give thanks for what happened in this year. There were some pieces of paper to randomly pick from, and the one I chose asked me to give thanks to God for putting a notable person in my life this year. I had to leave before I answered the question. Perhaps it was for the best, because the person was in the room.

He was the one whose encouragement convinced me to start writing this blog. He was also one of the few adults who affirmed my apparent gift of teaching.

His emphasis on "flesh and blood" Biblical exposition and theology also affected me profoundly. He probably influenced the way I envisioned Christian art, because he always demanded that we understand something on a personal level. This also began to change the edgy way I dealt with my fellowship members.

I'm not sure about the long-term effectiveness of his approach, but it usually is quite refreshing. During the Shorter Catechism group discussions, he would always try to take us beyond the technical and give us a very intimate understanding of doctrines. "So what?" he would say, in response to certain truths. This would push us to think more deeply what it really does mean to us. This had likely dissolved much of my pretentiousness, and instead of lowering my respect for doctrine, increased my sincerity towards it.

And of course, there's the lovely Saturday Bible study. I realized that I really did not seriously expound on the Bible in private. Perhaps it was because of my intention to try to get the flow and structure of each of the books by going through them faster. Anyhow, it's always exciting to go into the details. It's exciting because the Bible is God's literary masterpiece, and also because there's the anticipation of seeing God and His works "in flesh and blood". It feels real.

These regular times of fellowship probably kept me spiritually alive more than I can comprehend. Thank God.


* * * * *

To be continued...

The Eyes of God

GOD'S HOLY GAZE

"One way to avoid God's eyes is to live as if fear of other people is our deepest problem—they are big, not God. This, of course, is not the case. Fear of people is often a more conscious version of being afraid of God. That is, we are more conscious of our fear of others than our fear of God. Granted, fear of others is a real phenomenon. We really are afraid of the thoughts, opinions, and actions of other people. But under that we hide as best we can the more desperate fear of God."

― Edward T. Welch, When People are Big and God is Small

We would likely be driven crazy if we truly knew the extent to which God sees our heart.

Today, after spending the morning listening to theology classes on MP3, the six of us went out for lunch. In the car, we took a strange interest in particularly observing one of our sisters, whose mannerisms we found amusing due to their rigidity. At some point, she chuckled uncomfortably and told us to stop looking at her. I asked her whether being looked at makes her feel uncomfortable, to which she replied yes.

Sharing her temperament to some extent, I understood. I used to try to evade society like it was the plague. There was a tense discomfort when people looked at me, or even worse, observed me.

That small moment reminded me again of this interesting topic: seeing.

On a political level, visibility is crucial. The amount of insight another nation has into your nation determines your vulnerability to it. During wars, huge amounts of money are spent on spy projects in order to uncover secrets, to gain the upper hand in the game of vision.

On a personal level, all introverts know that the act of seeing can be very violent, which is why they shy away from it at all.

Perception is followed by judgment. That is inevitable. Seeing anything, one must make a moral and value judgment upon it, no matter what. One might not say what he thinks about something, but the truth is that he does think something about it. And thinking something about something leads to action, or the lack of it.

As sinners, we know that we cannot stand being scrutinized. The nature of sin requires the man to be blind and deceived about who he really is in order for him to live comfortably. Being exposed will destroy him. We can only live in darkness, and are afraid to step into the light.

The God's judgment of mankind is based upon His vision of him. That's why the Bible states that men would rather have mountains crush them than let God see them when He comes to judge. Because the act of seeing is the beginning of judgment.

That is why it is a wonder why the eyes that saw all my depravity and rebellion also looked upon me with compassion and wept on my behalf. What kind of love is that?

We all, at one point or another, deeply desire for someone to look into our eyes with understanding, hold us, and assure us that we are acceptable. And yet, all along, there was this Christ, who looked upon me with more understanding about me than I'd like Him to have, saw all that I truly was, how completely unacceptable I am, and said to me, "I do not condemn you. Sin no more."

The One I hated, betrayed, fought against with all my being, let me off the hook and hung Himself there.

If there's anything that drives you crazy more than your sin being exposed before God, it's seeing those sins put upon Christ and you going free. It crucifies you, killing you, and rebirths you into a love-powered super soldier.

Frozen

SPIRITUAL CHILLS IN DECEMBER & DISNEY'S "FROZEN"

 

"Stop the winter, please."
"Don't you see? I can't."

We don't actually have winter weather in Malaysia, but it's around winter time now for the Northern Hemisphere. And I like the idea of winter as a metaphor.

December is here, along with an apparent low temperature in the spiritual climate of me and my spiritual siblings. I'm feeling like Napoleon and Hitler, both of whom met defeat at the hands of the Russians in winter battle. How are you supposed to fight well when the ice and snow viciously lags you in your tracks?

First it was the drama class farewell. I'm "graduating" from the class this year, despite the fact that I did not return to it for an entire year. I was incredibly puffed up by the amount of people who said that they admired and liked me. More importantly, they gave me a very strong sense of identity, during a time when I felt slightly unsure of my standing before God. They drew a picture of a Joshua who's likeable, talented, creative, calm, speaks English, and sleeps a lot (?). It was so much easier for me to reach out and claim that identity than to fight my sin and admit my spiritual poverty before God. So I seemed to play along during those hours.

Then there was the children's camp at our church. Seriously, my conscience was struck unconscious for those three days. I was aware of the watered-down Gospel-preaching by many teachers, the carnal means used to keep the children interested, the weak spiritual condition of the staff, and the lack of serious planning for the follow-up of those children. Yet, I felt almost nothing then. I just played along.

In the words of Albus Dumbledore: "Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right."

We want to change, thank God. And by the power of the Lord who moves, we shall.

For the time being, one of our great godsends in such an hour is the calm, steady voice of Dr. Samuel Ling, as we listen to his introductory theology course on MP3. Perhaps due to my own childishness, his words do not instantly stir up a flame in my heart when I listen to him speak, like the way other speakers do. He is not monotone, but he is also not dramatic.

Yet, even though what we've been listening to in the past few weeks we have already heard before, the impression the lessons make upon me is... well, impressive. They slowly and steadily shift me into a mode of mentality where I begin to see the world through Biblical lenses. And subsequently, that brings an increasing sense of peace, because the worldview given to us in the Bible sets us in a position of humility and trust.

Again, my undying love and support for high, solid theology is because I see it as bone structure for the flesh and foundation for the shelter. All the talk about "relevance" is nonsense, and comes from a selfish perspective; of course sinners will only find relevant things that fit their self-serving ideas. The Bible's grand view of things, however, points to a glorious, transcendent God whom we will find joy in seeking and worshiping for all eternity.

I've heard Dr. Steve Lawson say before, "The power is in the message, not the messenger." Somehow I couldn't bring myself to believe it then, but those words stuck with me like a thorn, until I slowly came to accept it as true. And I couldn't find a better example to demonstrate it than Dr. Sam's "boring" classes.

I just watched Disney's latest animated feature, "Frozen". I was really impressed, and so are much of the critics. But I'm not here to note its artistic merit, or I would've written many more blog posts.

I'm writing about it because 15 minutes in, I started to tear up. Because of a Disney movie. Seriously.

Elsa seems to be the only Disney character I could relate to. Her ability to create ice is effectively an embodiment for her personality: she is cool, silent, and rigid. She finds comfort in isolation, where she can "let it go" and do whatever she wants to.

The film probably intends to use Elsa's magical powers as a representation of certain talents that unusual people have and that must be harnessed for good, however this does not parallel my similarities with the character. Her motivation for isolation is a strange, hidden talent. My motivation for it is my sin, my desire to be emotionally invulnerable. But doing so paradoxically made me the most vulnerable person I know.

But it was not seeing Elsa's loneliness that coaxed the tears. It was that she had to shut Anna out.

"Do you want to build a snowman?"

I can't decide which is worse, being shut out, or having to shut people out.

I was reminded of the Annas that God put in my life. I don't know what I would do if they didn't knock on my door. And quite frequently, I ran, thinking that it was the solution, that I could actually make their lives and mine separate by isolating myself. But to not love is to hate; Elsa could not change the influence she had on people by going away. (Also, what did she eat when she was alone in the mountains?)

I disliked the movie's resolution of things. But of course, I couldn't expect any real answers from secularists. The movie provided love as an answer to fear, which I readily agree with, but a source of love was not provided. The characters themselves had the potential for love, and it all depended upon the choice to do so. That's where my empathy for Elsa ended. She says "love" and magically melts the ice. I say "love", and my words are as empty as my heart.

The movie realistically presented a real human issue, but ended with presenting an empty solution.

Oh Christ, the fountain of love. Pour the understanding of Your love onto me.

And thank You for being the best Anna. When I wouldn't open the door, You kicked it in, took my cold embrace and made it warm.

And every day You knock. And every day you remain a model for the other Annas who knock.

"Some people are worth melting for."

Chroniac

CHRONIAC & CHRIST

Near the end of the short film's production, I finally regretted the decision to make it.

We humans can be so afraid of being wrong that, even when we make an initial wrong decision, we stand by it in order to somehow prove, by certain results, that we made the right decision after all. But living under sovereign justice, we simply can't expect to avoid reaping what we sow.

The workload drained me and left me for dead. I didn't have the time or mind to do anything for the fellowship to try and tie up some loose ends for the end of this year. I began to backslide. Bye bye Bible reading and prayer. I became obsessed with success, I wanted so bad for this to work out.

Thank God it didn't. In the end, I didn't really like my own production. Sure, there are things about it I'm satisfied with, but as a whole it did not achieve the standard I hoped for it to achieve. And in the end, I'm reminded of how liberating it is to not fall in love with my own filthy rags.

Wanting to believe that I've overcome my questions regarding how I am to pursue such a vocation with a right Christian attitude, I did not allow my conscience's warnings about my attitude to bother me, which is kind of ironic since the protagonist in my short film also ignored his voice of conscience and fell into a worse form of worldly pursuit. It's the notion that since I've struggled about this, I probably have a correct mindset now when making films. But I still fell prey to my pride.

It was certainly rigorous training for my writing skill. I'm quite upset about the dialogue, but I can't change it anymore. But I've learned a couple of tricks to keep a smooth flow of theme throughout a film, so that's a gain right there. And, as usual, after writing a script, I'm once again repeatedly inspired by things around me to write. There is so much I can write about. So many perspectives and themes from which we can explore the truths of God.

Production process:

The completed short film differs dramatically from its initial inspiration. Originally, I planned to make a short film stylistically titled "#Deconstruction #In #Progress", using the hashtag as a symbol of postmodern disintegration of ideas. The original idea was to make a loosely structured story, where the life of the protagonist is depicted the way he sees it, in bits and pieces and moments, and the protagonist slowly realizes the vanity of it all, with the philosophical questions of temporariness (represented by clocks) and self-identity (represented by mirror reflections) bearing down upon him. But, afraid that this is all too centered on the pitiful condition of his life, and wanting to show the root of the problem, which is rebellion against God, I made that a theme.

Perceiving how rock music can be representative the spirit of rebellion in today's age, I first attempted to incorporate Queen's music into the work, but then I decided that the Beatles were a better choice, with seemingly more diversity in their music, and seeing as they are so representative of the counterculture of the 1960s. Contemplating the theme of rebellion caused me to use Nietzsche's philosophy ("God is dead") as an overarching theme, and led me to write the subplot regarding the assassination of the Emperor in the online game. Seeing how the thematic emphasis of the story was altered, I changed the title to "#Absolute #Anarchy".

A character, originally named Robin, was created to symbolize the shame that plagued the life of the protagonist. I later took an interest in naming the characters according to what they symbolized, and so Robin became Aeschylus (the name Aeschylus apparently originated from the Greek word for "shame"). The voice of conscience in the film was named Jeremy (from Jeremiah). I also decided that the protagonist was named Louis ("famous ruler"), and his name only mentioned at the end of the film, to symbolize that he "found his place in the real world".

Although there was the concern that our homeschool center only had five male students, a desire to depict the conflicting passions and insecurities of teenagers gave birth to the character of Lucy, for whom I later had to seek out an ex-student to fill in the role. The character was named Lucy because I hoped to use the song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", which I thought was very suitable for the film. The name Lucy means "light", thus there's a specific mention of how the devil masquerades as an angel of light, so that Lucy is not seen as representing a positive influence, but one that parallels the role of Snake in the online game.

In the end, I dropped the hashtag reference, because I could not use it frequently enough in the film. I also decided that the title Absolute Anarchy was not representative enough of the film, so it was simply changed to Chroniac & Christ.

Once again, this particular work is heavily influenced by other works of art I've come across around that time. The writing draws upon the allegorical and metaphorical nature of the books Pilgrim's Progress and The Old Man and The Sea, certain unconventional ways of arranging scenes in the movie Pulp Fiction, and the multifaceted nature of the greatest literary masterpiece ever written, the Bible, which mixes thematic and narrative elements in the most perfectly divine way (literally).

During the video editing process, I listened to rock music in order to "get in the mood". After growing tired of repeatedly listening to the Beatles, I listened to Paramore, which was even more rebellious-sounding, and lyrically provided me with more reasons for overthrowing authority. I also listened to electronic music, namely Daft Punk, out of curiosity, and finally understood the sentiment it contained. Their song "Touch" especially inspired me to put more emphasis on the theme of reality with its skeptic/subjectivity philosophical ideas, even causing me to film one extra scene, the nightmare scene, when we were near the end of the filming process.

I chose wrong, but God graciously gave me some gains, and still leads me.

Though it feels really great to make movies, I've decided I need to be more theologically and spiritually rooted before I even begin my next creative work.

Busy

I HAVE NO TIME TO ORGANIZE A POST, BUT I WANT TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL NOW SO

orughihgiaurhguiahrghhgarhgiuhliughsiurhcmhgrhgilsduhlguishdrlcgi

arghcsdrlicguhslhsirghoorgioerigoehirg oiehrohamlwieruhe eharguilemrgheuirghladfjgrtyjhpb God save me

asdiufhgsldifgnuhsliuhmrgslidurhghii eijsidfhgsldi dfsguihriiiiiiiiiiiiiasrifgmsd igjsrosqpqpqpqpqvdead dead dead ead ead deadd dead dead

wooohooooo can't wait for the day that I get to see you yeahhhhhhh

Open my eyes, I'm waiting waiting waiting rebelling and waiting simultaneously and paradoxically and oh man what in the world is going on.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

You are the Lord of lords. Command me and I will surely do.

I am lifting myself up as a god, but have not forgotten that You have once called me Your son. Restore me again. Restore to me the joy of your salvation.

Save me

Letting

GOD IS GOD

Obviously, I'm just writing for the sake of writing. Simply because I haven't been writing in three weeks. Sure enough, I had more thoughts and events than just this, but I don't have the time to organize it yet.

Busy with being obsessed with a short film I'm going to make. Unhealthy obsession. Sorry. Trying to get back on track.

Again, I've noticed a malicious thought within the depths of my heart. It's not new, but it's still there, and this seems to be a fresh vision. I hope I'm not phrasing it the same way.

The sin is complaint. Murmuring. What's different this time is that I discovered it could even exist among my cries out to God for my personal holiness. I ask for good things. I ask for sanctification and deliverance from sin. Yet a lot of times it just doesn't feel right. Perhaps it just doesn't taste like those moments when I am assured that my prayers have went up to Him and all is perfect.

And I become curious as to why I can offer up such "selfless" prayers and still feel in want. Problem was it still wasn't selfless. All of the time, with no exception I can remember, that I would not feel comfortable in my prayers, it was because I'm concerned about some perfect version of me that I want God to grant. I wasn't asking for God's kingdom come, because then I would not feel uncertain about my prayers. I'd know that it will happen.

I will refer to two other notable writers.

First, C. S. Lewis. In The Screwtape Letters, there was apparently a method the demons used to deceive people, called "Christianity and-". Christianity and wealth. Christianity and social influence. Christianity and secular psychology. Christianity and fun. Christianity and me. The trick was to keep the believer from understanding the fullness of salvation in Christ, and getting him to add something else to the belief. It is very effective, because it seems so harmless. But the reality is that one then fails to understand how complete and assured our salvation is, and we are unable to say along with King David, "I shall not want." Truly, if you really, really, really think about it, our salvation and hope of God's coming kingdom should fill us with joy and purge us of our cheap worries and wants (Psalm 51:12).

Second, John Calvin. I can't quote him accurately, but he said something like this, that prayer is God's way of conforming our wills to His. How important it is for us to remember that. Prayer is to teach us to let go of the less important for the greater blessing.

And by God's grace, the greatest blessing is offered freely. Yet we run around so much for other stuff. How wonderful it is to forget all the cares of the world for a moment and realize that, in a way, everything's already perfect, locked in position for the immense glorification of the Lord, including my imperfect self.

October Begins; Giver of Rewards; Eating; Formula; Work; His Story

HOW'S IT GOING, JOSH?

It's been a long time since I last posted. So I'll try to squeeze in everything that my mind came across during this time.

How's it going?

I must admit, that's one of the deepest questions one can ask, once you really think about it. Who can evaluate his own condition while caught up in the chaos? It's already hard enough to evaluate other people. The human heart is truly one of the greatest mysteries there is.

I'm almost completing my 11th grade in my homeschooling course. Most likely I wouldn't be doing the 12th grade, so I'm nearing the end of my high school years. It's going to be the first graduation of my life, as I never graduated from either kindergarten or primary school.

A few days ago, I drove a manual car for the first time. It was fun, like playing with a toy. A really expensive toy. I'll most likely get a Probationary license by the end of the year, and start driving around for real.

The youth fellowship is seeing a dramatic decrease in number, as all the big tests in secondary schools are coming up. That, and also because some have left us completely. I've heard that some went to another youth fellowship in another church. It feels bad, to some extent, but not as bad as I wished and expected it to be. I just really don't prioritize the numbers, and when those of us who are still here sit around, I feel hopeful. The remnant, they are. I have high hopes for remnants because I know that God loves to use small numbers to achieve great things. We are now concentrated gunpowder, and waiting to explode at the Spirit's igniting, you just wait, you. Clouds have to rain sometime, or else they aren't clouds.

Besides, it's not like I can do things that I can't. I'm just not ready to try and keep some people, or involve my porcupine personality too deeply in the life of someone else. I'm a person. I'm human. There are some things I don't know how to do yet; don't try to make me skip the basic steps to get me to the advanced level, it ain't gonna work. Challenge me, yes, but challenge me as Biblically as possible. Or else it's just the same mistake I've made in the past of pressing people for "repentance" based upon confidence in the messenger, not the message. The messenger can get loud, but only the message goes deep. Away with youth fellowship leader and whatnot for now, I'm first and foremost a slave of God and His seeker.

Oh God, please help me blossom. Please help me do it. Clouds have to rain sometime, or else they aren't clouds.

A lot of people are going through spiritual lows. I'm no exception. My fixed "dates" have become unfixed. Prayer life is not constant. What in the world, Joshua, trying to live without breathing. But it's always when you hit rock bottom that you look up. I like that. I like hitting bottom and looking up, because it reminds me of all the times in the past it happened, and the glory of God in bringing me through the darkness.

I think my ambition to make films has become confirmed, both internally and externally. It's going to be real scary, and exhilarating. Being an artist is one of the most enjoyable careers there is; you earn a living by observing the world around you (and in you) and express the beauty or ugliness of it. I think I won't be studying film though. I've been getting advice against it, on the basis of the relative unimportance of film studies to actual film-making. I think a good alternative is history. But more on that later.

While having an online conversation with a sister, she said something I really like. I don't know if she said it intentionally or not. We were talking about spiritual problems faced, and how to face them. I said, "God help us." She said, "Yes. God helps us." Helps. Present continuous tense.

God helps us. 

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the Lord has helped us.”
(1 Samuel 7:12)


* * * * *

GOD THE REWARDER

This is a really important concept I've come to understand in greater measure recently.

In opposition against a works-based salvation, we can easily feel repulsed by the notion that God rewards people for obeying Him. We might not hold on to this as firmly as we stand for other doctrines. We think that we should do things because we should.

But the error of trying not to think about the rewards is that we try to produce our own motivation. And it never works. How futile it is to try to separate God from His works and blessings. When we try to do that, we throw God out the window to some degree as well. Those are His blessings, His promises.

You then get caught up in some weird paradox where you're trying to want God while pushing away His encouragements that you will have joy and peace and love if you obey Him. It doesn't even make sense.

At the root of that is pride. You're thinking, "It's okay, God, I can do it. I can pursue You without more of Your help. You've helped me enough already." For me, this is a real issue, because I find that I have a deep attitude of I just win, baby. In fact, one of the great effects of such an attitude is that I become so afraid of failure. I just mustn't lose. I can't. I've been given enough, I've had my fair share of God's help by now, now I just need to succeed! And I don't look to God and His rewards anymore.

And when I fall, it devastates me. It cripples me. That's foolishness and vanity.

Sure, there's the great, looming danger of idolatry, of wanting pleasure but rejecting God, of wanting knowledge but rejecting God. Yes, there's the problem of idolatry, where you separate God from His blessings and just want the blessings. But the other extreme is idolatry as well; you've made for yourself a God who does not reward His people, even though the Bible says he does.

But surely that doesn't make sense. Why would God want to reward us, if our strength is ultimately from Him? Yes, He has absolutely no obligation to do so. That's why the greatness of His love is a mystery. Do you believe He's shown you love even though you came from nothing and gave Him nothing? What's so hard about believing in rewards, then?

It is great encouragement, really, to have something to grasp hold of, in the form of God's promises of blessings and curses. Obedience, reward; sin, punishment. Simple as that. Works-based salvation? Not really. Both the promises and the Spirit that empowers us to obey are from Him.

In His hand are goodness and blessings forevermore. We seek the prize, not because they have intrinsic worth, but because what we taste in the blessing is the essence of God's goodness and beauty.


* * * * *

WHAT MY EATING HABITS HAVE TO DO WITH MY SPIRITUAL LIFE

How odd it is for me to write about food. But really, it's an interesting topic.

I'll write what I know about this theologically, then I'll write about some personal things with regard to this.

Apparently, God didn't design us to be eaters of food for no reason (duh). I mean, even in paradise, we were meant to eat. He could've just designed us as beings that can live without food. It's not as if He's not smart enough.

No, very simply, and very strangely for me, food is meant to be enjoyed. Yes, enjoyed, take it in and contemplate how many great meals you've had without thanking God, who specifically intended that you be able to take pleasure in those meals. 

And some people in the world starve. God isn't unfair to them, He's unfair to you, or rather gracious.

What does this mean for us? A deliberate temptation to idolatry? Gluttony? Of course not. It is a means by which we understand ideas like pleasure, goodness, fulfillment, nourishment, ideas that ultimately find their source in God. How interesting it is the first sin involved taking and eating the forbidden fruit, referring to the seeking of pleasure apart from God. Even greater is that we are told to eat Christ's flesh and drink His blood; that figurative language is an absolutely appropriate representation of belief in Christ. He offers Himself to us, and we take Him in.

Unfortunate it is that I seem to have a lower capacity of being appealed by food. I've been told too many times that I seem to eat food with disgust.

This could very well point to my legalism, really. Not that I'm absolutely sure that my eating habits are a symbol of this, but I think the two of these distinct actions share the same root attitude. I can stuff great amounts of food into my mouth, but I swallow really slow. I put it in, but I don't take it in. There's almost a feeling in my throat that's repulsing it.

I have relatively good intellectual ability. I can take on tough concepts and ideas and doctrines and organize them into systems. But a big ego and shriveled humility keeps me from taking the fullness of it into my life, permeating me throughout.

I must change. Not necessarily my eating habits, though. I might actually have some saliva and/or esophagus problems. But sure I can eat better, sure.


* * * * *

FORMULA OF SALVATION

I've always been inclined to say that there's no formula to salvation, no set method to ensure your perseverance.

But really, I think it's better to say that there is a formula, a Biblical formula. We must just be careful not to go beyond that.

What's the Biblical formula? Well, God must regenerate you, justify you, sanctify you. You can't control that. But parallel to that equation is what occurs on our end of perception. We must obey God to prove our salvation, and strive to be perfect as our Father is perfect, but never say nor expect in this life to say that we are without sin, or we would be liars.

How do we obey? By faith, we hold on to His promises that if we seek Him we will find Him, that if we follow Christ we will inherit eternal life, that we follow Christ by obeying His commands, which is all of the Bible.

That's the formula.

Why is this important? Because I've found in myself a tendency to be anti-formulaic for the sake of being anti-formulaic. I would choose not to do some things that are right because I don't trust the formula. In despair, I would choose not to read God's Word because I feel like I'm not going to persevere in it anyway. But I forget that the formula is that if Jesus tells you to walk, you walk. Simple. And thus I prove myself to lack in faith, which is why I fail. I fail from the start.

It's also difficult, though, because there are unknowns in the formula. For example, the work of the Spirit is like the wind; you see its effects afterward but you don't anticipate it or how exactly it'll happen. And then there's the great complexity of the human heart, whereby you don't even know if you're sincere or not.

But try it. And keep trying. Keep trying or die. Simple.


* * * * *

PRIDE VERSUS LAZINESS?

There's apparently a dilemma that I sometimes face. I've become so opposed and fearful to becoming proud that I sometimes refuse to do things that I know are good, simply for the sake of keeping me from feeling too good about myself.

It's stupid to think this way, and I don't think it intentionally either, but I realize that unconsciously I have this folly within me. It's as if I must choose between being proud or being lazy.

If I work hard and do things right, then I bloat up and feel good about myself. The alternative is to not do anything, and end up in slothfulness.

Of course, once you really think about it, you find that either way you're being self-centered. The root problem, as usual, is you're not looking to God, but looking to yourself. If the highest motivation is to please God, then there's no room for pride nor laziness. In the end, then, both pride and laziness are the same thing: a self-centered way of life.

We're not merely meant to be anti-pride or anti-sloth. We're meant to be pro-God. And I think that makes all the difference. With our sights on God's glory and His work, we'd do things right. Yes, on the way we'd encounter our sin, but lift our eyes again to He who is salvation and we shall be delivered.

Work hard at everything He gives to you.


* * * * *

HISTORY AND FILM

Now, a little something about myself.

This has to be one of the oddest strategies for a person's future career ever.

Firstly, at this point, I've decided to make films for the rest of my life as my primary career. How it will shape my life, I'm not quite sure. The industry has a lot to do with whether or not you make your big break. Some of your work will be relatively ignored, while if you do it right, it strikes a chord with the audience and your position alters for the better. If not, you muddle around in the lower positions, which I hope they pay well. Not exactly the most stable job one can find.

Not to mention that I'm not aiming to go into mainstream film anyway. Too secular. My ultimate goal is to create a body of art for the Christian, expressing Christian sentiments and ideas through my films. I believe the Christian artist should have his own genre, for the divine one is most holy and most unique. My search will be for the true Christian genre, to portray the glories of the Christian worldview and the kingdom of heaven and the lives of the saints, instead of having to awkwardly mesh Christian ideas into secular sentiments. No, the glory of God depends on nothing.

Also, like I've said, I'm most likely not going to take film studies. Many of the great Hollywood directors didn't even go to film school. I'll have to learn about cameras and production and movie sets independently, but I don't suppose those will be too tough to learn. I think it's more important to build up a rich stock of information from which to draw artistic inspiration. It's more practical for the aspiring writer/director, in my opinion.

Alas, my alternative route is strange as well, as I have momentarily chosen to study history. Yes, study history in preparation for making films. How does that help?

Well, thank God I have a theological basis for that. Film is predominantly about storytelling. God has written the greatest story of all time: history.

We believe that God is sovereign, that in His work of providence He controls all things according to His will. Thus, every single detail that had happened in the history of the universe is part of His plan. There's the overarching story of the salvation of mankind in Christ Jesus, and then there are countless ministories, and ministories within ministories, and so on. And every character archetype, every single fictional storyline that has ever been created, is but based upon the true stories that God had written before the foundation of the world.

So yes, I'm going directly to the fountain of all inspiration for every story ever written. I'm going to study God's script in preparation for making films.

Of course, when I study history, the lectures probably won't be just story after story. There's probably going to be a lot of training for becoming a historian, teaching you how to get accurate historical data and etcetera. But those would be great skills too. Then I can do historical researches independently, and increase my own exposure to God's story.

Then I'd probably be so filled with a grand vision of God's work from since the beginning of time that I'd have a lot to share with the church. I can share through my words, or even through film.

It's a crazy plan. It sounds exciting. Will it work? God helps me.

Miracles

JESUS: THE LORD IS SALVATION

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

We all lose hope, and lose fight, and lose focus. But He does not lose faithfulness.

The book of Deuteronomy primarily recounts things that happened or are already told before. Therefore, a major theme of this book is to "remember".

You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God redeemed you; therefore I command you this today.
(Deuteronomy 15:15)

How important it is to remember that God saved us, and how he saved us. Don't we be like the rebellious Israelites, who failed to remember how miraculously God delivered them from slavery, and began to whine in the wilderness. Their complaints ultimately kept them there for a very long time.

Don't let our despair keep us from inheriting the amazing things that the Lord has in store for us. Despair is equivalent to unbelief. Don't lose hope in Him. Look back on your life. In the past, has God changed your heart toward Him in such a way that you find miraculous? It is miraculous. You were dead to the things of God, and now you see, you really see.

If you don't have such a past, don't despair either. Be envious of such an experience, because it demonstrates that you really do hope to love God too. Furthermore, our highest assurance is the Word of God, not personal experience. And He promised that whoever calls upon His name shall be saved. Now, if there was one person in the universe whose promises we can trust, who would it be? 
 
remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
(Ephesians 2:12-13)

I do believe in miracles. I believe that what is impossible for man is possible for God. I believe He can raise the dead. And I believe He can make me love Him.

I believe that suffering will make perfect sense to me one day.

The Vapor of Life

OUR TOWN

“Now there are some things we all know, but we don't take'm out and look at'm very often. We all know that something is eternal. And it ain't houses and it ain't names, and it ain't earth, and it ain't even the stars… everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you'd be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. There's something way down deep that's eternal about every human being.”

― Thornton Wilder, Our Town 

I highly suspect that Thornton Wilder has existentialist ideas and influences, but at least this quote is true.

It should be no surprise that I teared up watching the 2-hour play, considering how this play stayed in theatres for over 70 years, and at some point was being performed at least once every day in some part of the world.

I was moved not because I agreed with the author's message. Wilder said the play was "an attempt to find a value above all price for the smallest events of our daily lives." But this search for value in the particulars of life had put God out of the center of the picture. Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.

But I was moved to tears. The simplicity of the play was its greatest impetus, showing us the daily life of Grover's Corners and the ordinary and special occurrences in that town. In fact, in the play, you realize that there isn't such a distinction between the ordinary and the special anymore. Are weddings special? Well, most people who have ever lived were married. Is eating breakfast prepared by your mother an ordinary thing? Not after you leave the house and start your own family, and begin to miss it.

"This is the way we were: in our growing up and in our marrying and in our living and in our dying."

The play speaks of wants and fears, hopes and disappointments, gains and losses, dreams, doubts, regrets, ice cream, love, life, and death. And it is all so familiar, man being depicted as tossed into existence, into time and space, and soon strains to grab hold of it, trying to make sense of it, not wanting to slip out of it, at least not without gaining something or leaving something behind.

Why would I tear up for an old lady who's bursting into tears for giving away her child in marriage? Why do I sympathize with these absurd little things that everybody who lives will surely go through? But I sympathize with their inability to make sense of things. They don't get it. They can't cope with loss, and never truly understand the source of gain. In this foolishness, they go through life, full of hope at one moment and filled with despair at the next, experiencing tears, laughter, racing heartbeats, comfort, and suffering. Then they die.

That's what brings me to tears. The imagery of man leaving God's house and getting lost in the wilderness, not sure what to expect other than to die in the dirt.

Of course life would seem like a mess without God, without Christ. Life would just be a really bad joke, an awkward existence. It would be a terrible experience, to think that you're born into the world against your will and pulled out of it against your will, and not understanding why.

The characters complain that life is too fast, too fleeting. I do agree that it is like a vapor. But unless my goal for this life is to love it and find full satisfaction, I have no problem with life's shortness. This life is for seeking salvation and repentance, and I'm sure that God is gracious in giving me the right amount of time.

My hopes are beyond the stars. Yea, my hope is being reconciled to God for eternity.

Like Emily walking down the aisle to George, a step at a time.

Closer, closer.

Simple Truths

THE NATURE OF GOD'S TRIALS FOR US

In the Christian walk, we worry sometimes that we are not capable of discerning deep and complex ideas, that we are not well versed enough in rich, complicated doctrines to keep us from straying.

But we must remember that God's test of us is not a test of intellect, but of obedience. There are a lot of secular intellectuals in the world, and they are still fools for not being obedient. And there are many quiet, humble Christians who are not very brilliant but are exceedingly wise to follow the Lord.

No, God is not set out to test our brainpower, but our obedience to the simple truths of His Word.

Because within all the complex questions and problems that arise in our life, there are always even deeper questions. Is God there? Is God good? Is God holy? Is God in control? Is God tender? Is God who He says He is? These are very basic questions, and we could give a verbal answer to them without hesitation, but do we really believe it?

Sometimes we show that we don't; it is just like calling Jesus "Lord" but not doing His will.

This is a fearful truth for the legalist, and great assurance for the faithful saint. Yes, I must hold on to these simple truths about God revealed in His Word, and test everything against them, and I shall be on the right path.

“The trouble about man is twofold. He cannot learn truths which are too complicated; he forgets truths which are too simple.” 

― Rebecca West.

And yet, I strongly believe that it is the latter that causes men to fall from God.

In all things, never doubt that God is good and in control.

Dishonesty

WHY WE CARE HOW PEOPLE VIEW US

The real question is, why can't we bring ourselves to care about how God views us in the first place?

The answer is that we know people can be fooled, and God cannot.

We know God sees us as correctly as can be. We know that in His sight, we are but a mere speck in the universe, made of dust, and totally helpless without Him. We bear His image and likeness, and thus are meant to be witnesses to His endless ocean of greatness, nothing more.

Yet, we find that in the world, people don't see us like that. People seem to elevate us to a higher status than God does; we are bigger in the eyes of men than in the eyes of God. We feel more important in people's sight, even to the point where we think we're special enough to be irreplaceable in this world.

We don't want to be slaves and just do His bidding. We want to have a say. God does not give us that say, but people do. Therefore we find pleasing people so important, because it gives us that forbidden status we've always sinfully wanted.

Yet only God's view is reality. And when you try to cause someone to have a view of you that isn't God's, you're being downright dishonest. And you're being unreal.

What's worse is that serving God is no longer one's priority. Being a slave to Christ is no longer one's primary identity. The idolatry of seeking recognition and agreement from men cripples a Christian, and keeps him from sacrificing himself wholly to God. That's sad, because if we refuse to obey Him, we refuse to bear His glorious likeness, and what's left is distorted, sinful dust of the ground.

What's left is dust praising dust for being dust. It all fades into vanity and nothingness.

The Man in The Iron Cage

AN EXCERPT FROM THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS

"Now," said Christian, "let me go hence." "Nay, stay," said the Interpreter, "till I have showed thee a little more, and after that thou shalt go on thy way." So he took him by the hand again, and led him into a very dark room, where there sat a man in an iron cage."

Now the man, to look on, seemed very sad. He sat with his eyes looking down to the ground, his hands folded together; and he sighed as if he would break his heart. Then said Christian, "What means this?" At which the Interpreter bid him talk with the man.

CHRISTIAN: "What art thou?" The man answered, "I am what I was not once."

CHRISTIAN: "What wast thou once?"

MAN: "I was once a fair and flourishing professor, both in mine eyes, and also in the eyes of others: I once was, as I thought, fair for the Celestial City, and had then even joy at the thoughts that I should get thither."

CHRISTIAN: "Well, but what art thou now?"

MAN: "I am now a man of despair, and am shut up in it, as in this iron cage. I cannot get out; Oh, now I cannot."

CHRISTIAN: "But how camest thou in this condition?"

MAN: "I left off to watch and be sober; I laid the reins upon the neck of my lusts; I sinned against the light of the Word, and the goodness of God; I have grieved the Spirit, and he is gone; I tempted the devil, and he is come to me; I have provoked God to anger, and he has left me; I have so hardened my heart, that I cannot repent."

Then said Christian to the Interpreter, "But is there no hopes for such a man as this?" "Ask him," said the Interpreter.

CHRISTIAN: "Is there no hope but you must be kept in the iron cage of despair?"

MAN: "No, none at all."

CHRISTIAN: "Why? The Son of the Blessed is very pitiful."

MAN: "I have crucified him to myself afresh, I have despised his person, I have despised his righteousness, I have counted his blood an unholy thing; I have done despite to the Spirit of Grace: therefore I have shut myself out of all the promises, and there now remains to me nothing but threatenings, dreadful threatenings, fearful threatenings of certain judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour me as an adversary."

CHRISTIAN: "For what did you bring yourself into this condition?"

MAN: "For the lusts, pleasures, and profits of this world; in the enjoyment of which I did then promise myself much delight; but now every one of those things also bite me, and gnaw me like a burning worm."

CHRISTIAN: "But canst thou not now repent and turn?"

MAN: "God hath denied me repentance: his Word gives me no encouragement to believe; yea, himself hath shut me up in this iron cage; nor can all the men in the world let me out. O eternity! eternity! how shall I grapple with the misery that I must meet with in eternity!"

INTERPRETER: "Let this man's misery be remembered by thee, and be an everlasting caution to thee."

And the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear the word, receive it with joy. But these have no root; they believe for a while, and in time of testing fall away.
(Luke 8:13)  

Worry

TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT WE CAN'T

We worry, because we do not enough of what we should do.

We don't do as we should, because we don't understand well enough what to do.

We don't understand because we don't listen.

We don't listen because we don't trust.

We foolishly put trust in ourselves, and trust ourselves unto despair. We naturally close our ears to God's Word, and then wonder why we just can't seem to make sense of things in a godly way.

What Do I Want?

MY GOAL IN LIFE

Is to have affection for God.

So many other things to do, but only this matters.

How earnestly am I seeking to ensure that every day, He fills my heart?

O Lord, grant me this focus, I pray.

A Life of Receiving

A LIFE OF RECEIVING

A realization to counteract pride is knowing that everything, absolutely everything in a Christian's life is a received blessing.

Pride assumes that "I am enough". With that assumption, one would also feel that he has no more to receive from God, and may only give to others. It's no wonder that this is pride's attitude, because pride causes a man to try to be God. And God is the only one who has nothing to take and everything to give.

I knew that, theoretically, everything in my life is supposed to be given unto me. Every single thing is supposed to be received. But when it comes to sharing and giving to others, I seem unable to maintain that attitude, the grateful, humble, praising attitude I have when receiving knowledge of God's great glory. Because during such moments, I couldn't see how I'm receiving anything; I only see my giving.

Speaking to a brother about this issue helped me organize my thoughts clearly enough to see how this works. I receive my giving. Because to give, to provide, to praise, to sacrifice, are acts that are themselves given by God to make complete what we received firsthand. It makes those things complete because things only find their completion in God Himself.

When I learn, I receive knowledge. When I teach, I receive the sharing of knowledge. The knowledge is made manifest, made known, made obvious, and thus I perceive it in its new form. And this new form is given by God. It's not mine, and if God does not give it to me, I could not utter a single word.

It's a bit deep, and maybe I'm not expressing myself well, but it is so extremely liberating.

In absolutely everything, I can live with the same humble expectancy as when I'm looking forward to receiving a new vision of God's glory. Everything is received. Everything.

Heartache

I'M SORRY

For all my negligence to You, for all the bad things I've caused, for every proud look I've had, for every arrogant word I've said, for every time I put Your name to shame, I'm sorry.

I just wish I knew what exactly to do. I don't even know what to do anymore.

My brothers and sisters in my fellowship, perhaps it sometimes seem that I care more for my ego than anything else. Perhaps it seems I don't care about you. I wouldn't dare say that I do care, either. But tonight, and for many weeks, my heart has been troubled when I consider each of you. It hurts.

Maybe I'm just putting on a show for myself. That's who I am, always the showman.

But after several weeks of restlessness, stolen sleep, I find that the pain is quite real. This would be a little too costly for a play pretend.

I have no hugs or smiles or soft words, but I know I have God. Take Him. Take Him.

Or, I will come after you. I don't care whether you like me, or even whether I like you. God is gracious, and I will give you as many chances as I can possibly give, to the worst of humiliation and greatest of suffering.

Oh God, take them.

Incomplete poem; Constants

ABOUT THE GOD I KNOW

He is One, He is Three,
Invincible for eternity,
Holy, holy, holy is He, with unescaped sovereignty.
Before tale and time was He,
A kaleidoscope of glory,
Having passion that is fury that is love that is He.
Pleased beyond infinity
With the richness in the Three,
He existed perfectly, perfectly joyfully, in perfect harmony.

In light of all, I wonder why He gave Himself to me.
Oh, who am I that my Christ Jesus gave Himself for me?


* * * * *

FIVE CONSTANTS OF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE

I'm sure there a person can come up with so much more than just five, but these five are what I've found incredibly empowering and peace instilling.

You still have sin, and are accepted in Christ
At no point should I have the idea that I by myself am clean before God. As long as I'm alive in this world, before I die my bodily death, sin lurks in me. This would drive me to hopelessness unless I go back to the beginning, where sin was put to death and I was justified, at the cross of Christ. I could say with a heavenly confidence that by no merit of mine, I'm saved, I'm saved. I am kept humble and grateful by this, and am continually rescued from hesitation to lay my vile and many sins at His feet. Bring your nothing, I tell myself, bring your nothing.

God means to save you from sin in all that occur
God, in His marvelous wisdom, ensures that every torment and every revealed sin prods me toward Him. I'm sure that I will grow if I'm sure that I'm in Christ, because again, it's not my work, but the work of the Most Faithful. Also, this mindset prepares me for future sufferings, because I shouldn't expect to come to a point where I'm somewhat "perfect" and have no need for struggle anymore. It just wouldn't happen, because God loves me too much to neglect disciplining me. Every day on this earth, I prepare for battle, and prepare to be shown that I've done wrong.

There is still much to learn
Life becomes extremely confusing when you assume that you've known enough, and try to interpret everything with the limited knowledge you have, instead of just admitting that perhaps there is something you don't understand yet, and simply trusting God for His goodness and sovereignty. This is the ultimate remedy to worry; this is the way of humility and trust, to say that I may not have all the answers yet, but bless His name, if He is willing, it will make sense one day.

You are only required to think for God's kingdom
This is a useful criteria for self-examination. Strictly speaking, one is only required to think about God, but to prevent the danger of cutting off His person from His work, His kingdom is brought into view. Certainly, considering the nature of God and His Church also means viewing the fallen world and its community from the true perspective; thus this principle does not narrow down the scope of one's thinking, but rather enlarges it and frees a person from self-deceived and Satan-deceived thinking. Am I thinking for God's kingdom right now? Sure, it's a disgustingly high standard to achieve, but then our Lord is perfect, and He is pleased to make us more and more like Him.

Rewards await those who strive, including the reward of striving
Why do we strive and work hard and suffer? Firstly, to even have the ability to strive is a gift too excellent for words. What else can I say? It's what we're made for! We are in the likeness of the God who is furiously passionate for His glory. How do we express this passion if we can't strive? How terrible it would be to be immovable, containing it forever! Secondly, how great it is to have something to strive for! With a corrupted, idolatrous mind, one would think of rewards as things apart from God, but the reward referred to here is actually God Himself, whose glory is infinite. Eternity for the elect will be an endless chasing down of the glories of God, each reward not inferior than the last. For the one born again, this eternity has begun! Suffering will not be in vain, nor hope put to shame; rewards await.

Merit?

JOY FROM CHRIST, NOT YOUR PERFORMANCE

Sure enough, it's been a fairly... relaxed, holiday.

I mostly had places to go. Met up with some people. Other than that, I slept a little too much than I should've.

I don't know. It took a while for me to realize that I wasn't feeling that great the whole time.

There wasn't too much that was going awry. Everything seemed fine. I was planning some stuff for the fellowship members.

But today I had a little more time and and little more will than usual to examine my heart before God. I knew something was wrong. I felt out of place.

I dozed off in my thoughts during the evening. When I woke up from my short nap, for some reason, I came to understand what was going on. It wasn't about Him anymore. Everything was alright on the surface of things, but I seemed to act as if that was all that God saw.

What I noticed was a lack of passion. The kind of passion that inspired my past posts that had to do with extreme enthusiasm and desire for none other than God Himself. Back then, I didn't have too much to worry about, other than seeking to know Him.

I notice that God is molding me through these recent occurrences. There is a lot of urging, whether internally or externally, for me to do something, to change some things, to bring variety to the fellowship, to go and evangelize, to reconcile some differences. These urgings threw me off focus.

The thing is, I found that it really, truly was possible to be enthusiastic about serving in the church but not love God. It's this really deceptive mindset that drives a person to be satisfied about doing some good works, yet not for God's sake. It is not a satisfaction with who God is, with His holy excellence. It's satisfaction with "I'm a good person".

And when this takes over, you don't really care for seeking the infinite glories of God anymore; now your highest passion is to "share these gifts with others", rather than to know even more about Him, as if you've already depleted His fountain of joy. And you can't even see a reason for brokenness because you're so impressed with yourself. Your good works seem sufficient ground to you that God is pleased enough.

I quite naively thought this wasn't an issue in my life. Or, perhaps I wished it wasn't. But this attitude was present, and it became an ever present, troubling veil between me and God. I'm glad I'm convicted of this, though. I'm free again.

Once again: to do right in His eyes is good enough; Soli Deo Gloria.

And what is more right than to uphold the most Righteous?

I'm going to sleep.

Pleasing Self

HOW CAN I NOT DO THINGS FOR MY OWN PLEASURE?

It seemed like a noble question to ask.

The problem was this, though: assuming I was correct in presupposing that everything I did was to seek my own comfort, then even the question itself was guilty of this. I'm caught in a paradox.

But again, it's a very real question, deriving from the observation of how I'm uncontrollably wired to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort. Sure, I'm willing at times to endure suffering, but how could I, if not for a higher joy?

Recognizing the paradox, I decided that I couldn't deduce an answer to the question based on its presupposition. Instead, I realized that I mustn't begin with myself, for I am not the origin of my own person and pleasures and functions.

It's much better to ask, "What does God intend for you to do according to His good will and pleasure?"

Of course, this question might seemingly be rendered irrelevant by the Satanic voice that questions why I absolutely must do His will. I've come up with a cocky retaliation: "Who do I trust, then? Me, or you?" I'm not sure how effectively this response will aid me, but it seems promising.

Now I will attempt to answer my own question.

Q: "How can I not do things for my own pleasure?"

A: "The question is irrelevant. Look to God for instruction. Don't ask why, there are no reasons beyond God, only in Him."

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.
(Colossians 1:16)