THE END OF YEAR 2014
I thank God for what a remarkable year it has been.
I moved to a new church, got my driving license, graduated from my homeschooling program, took a theological course online, recognized the possibility of being called to full-time ministry, had a humbling overseas visit, participated in two edifying Christian camps, was drafted into national service, and applied for college. That probably sums up the major events of my year.
It was certainly eventful, but it was also quiet in a way. It was quiet
because, well, I was quiet. This year was mostly spent in observing,
listening, reflecting, and learning. It was a humbling year.
It was humbling mainly because my facade was stripped away. I was no longer youth leader. I was simply another member in the youth group. What a relief. I could no longer, by means of my own eloquent preaching, blind myself to my own vices.
It was also a good thing that my failure at ministry haunted me so much. It was a painful reminder that I needed to be a good servant before I could ever be a good king. Learn to follow before taking the lead.
Religious Affections was, too, an immense help. It gave me the focus I needed. More and more, I came to realize that there's no greater priority in life than to pursue a sincere faith in God.
I never understood the Bible's fuss about leaven until this year. Leaven represents pride, and how it can puff persons up as quickly as a bread rises. Yet anything that is puffed up remains soft; there is an illusion of bigness, but it collapses easily.
As Christians, we learn to build, not puff. We learn to take things step by step, and in doing so, we build a sturdy fortress over the years, as opposed to a clumsy piling of rocks raised in several days that cannot withstand a challenge.
This “knowledge” puffs up, but love builds up.
(1 Corinthians 8:1b)
I confess that I'm a really, really ambitious person. In all my eighteen years, I've probably spent more time daydreaming than really doing productive work. Thus, I'm often tempted to puff things up in order to cover for my laziness. And I'm often tempted to think that I'm rather clever in figuring out last-minute ways to puff things up.
Well, thank God for releasing me from that. In Christ, the leaven of pride no longer has dominion over me. I will build.
I gain all my strength and wisdom from the Master Architect. I will build.
Happy New Year.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
National Service; Concluding 2014
GANGSTERS AND GODS
Sorry about the long wait, Simon.
I was surprised at how calm I felt when leaving for national service on August 17, possibly because deep inside I desired for some kind of change in my life.
I was even more surprised at how scared I felt during that final week before I went home. I was scared that no real change occurred during those three months, that I wasted my time, and wasted God's grace. But of course, I knew that nothing goes to waste in God's plan for those He loves, hence the entry for November 7.
By the sixth day at the camp, I realized that I needed to keep a journal, which I later appropriately titled "For the Preservation of Sanity". I also allowed myself to weep that evening, when I was in the shower. I broke down because I felt like I became very unchristian right after leaving a Christian environment. I felt weak and fake.
I'll start from the beginning.
For the first few nights, I was put to shame when a Muslim demonstrated a greater zeal for evangelism than I did, as he preached Islam to me. Within the first week, a fight nearly broke out, and what appeared to be demon activity occurred in the hall. And I was so surprised by these new things that I didn't know how to respond. I felt like I was displaying Christianity as a very useless religion indeed.
But God gave me some confidence by allowing a number of people to pick up on my Christian character and inquire further. I was able to share the gospel, and that refreshed me. At least they could identify that I was different.
Yet as time went on, even though I had many, many conversations about Christianity with different people there, I was basically passive in my evangelism. Gradually, God stopped giving me those kinds of opportunities, and one day I suddenly realized I wasn't talking about God at all to anybody. And I wasn't trying to build relationships for the sake of the gospel either. I was just drifting along.
And even just drifting along wasn't easy, either. Most of the people in my camp didn't finish school, and, surprise, many of them were gangsters. Every day I see demonstrations of rebellion, of pride, of dishonesty, of hate, and of lust.
Before long, I was filled with an incredible sense of dread, that the long duration of the camp would be too much of me to bear. I couldn't bear being in that place for so long and being such a useless Christian. This feeling of dread, complicated and intensified by the evil I saw daily, was making me very, very melancholy. How am I supposed to operate under such extreme conditions? I thought.
"For he crushes me with a tempest
but fills me with bitterness."
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."
Sorry about the long wait, Simon.
Day 83 (November 7)
Ever since I was young, every time I leave a place, I always bring regrets with me. This camp will be no different, I think. But regret that does not motivate is mere despair, which is why I want to wrap up my experience here and prepare for life at home. Perhaps the most important thing I've gotten out of this camp, with regard to my regret, is learning about my various inadequacies [...]
I was surprised at how calm I felt when leaving for national service on August 17, possibly because deep inside I desired for some kind of change in my life.
I was even more surprised at how scared I felt during that final week before I went home. I was scared that no real change occurred during those three months, that I wasted my time, and wasted God's grace. But of course, I knew that nothing goes to waste in God's plan for those He loves, hence the entry for November 7.
By the sixth day at the camp, I realized that I needed to keep a journal, which I later appropriately titled "For the Preservation of Sanity". I also allowed myself to weep that evening, when I was in the shower. I broke down because I felt like I became very unchristian right after leaving a Christian environment. I felt weak and fake.
I'll start from the beginning.
For the first few nights, I was put to shame when a Muslim demonstrated a greater zeal for evangelism than I did, as he preached Islam to me. Within the first week, a fight nearly broke out, and what appeared to be demon activity occurred in the hall. And I was so surprised by these new things that I didn't know how to respond. I felt like I was displaying Christianity as a very useless religion indeed.
But God gave me some confidence by allowing a number of people to pick up on my Christian character and inquire further. I was able to share the gospel, and that refreshed me. At least they could identify that I was different.
Yet as time went on, even though I had many, many conversations about Christianity with different people there, I was basically passive in my evangelism. Gradually, God stopped giving me those kinds of opportunities, and one day I suddenly realized I wasn't talking about God at all to anybody. And I wasn't trying to build relationships for the sake of the gospel either. I was just drifting along.
And even just drifting along wasn't easy, either. Most of the people in my camp didn't finish school, and, surprise, many of them were gangsters. Every day I see demonstrations of rebellion, of pride, of dishonesty, of hate, and of lust.
Before long, I was filled with an incredible sense of dread, that the long duration of the camp would be too much of me to bear. I couldn't bear being in that place for so long and being such a useless Christian. This feeling of dread, complicated and intensified by the evil I saw daily, was making me very, very melancholy. How am I supposed to operate under such extreme conditions? I thought.
"For he crushes me with a tempest
and multiplies my wounds without cause;
he will not let me get my breath,but fills me with bitterness."
(Job 9:17-18)
I continued to learn more about my own vices, especially my dishonesty. I realized how much I rarely say what I mean or mean what I say. I said things because I felt like people wanted to hear those things. It was my way of staying invisible, of protecting myself from hostility.
I was so spiritually desperate. I never imagined coming to a point where I'd have so little time for reading God's Word and for private prayer, even when I needed it so much. I needed God to speak to me, to tell me what I'm supposed to do in such times. And I needed time to get my mind to sober up; I was incredibly tired with how easily people drew me away from a godly focus.
This produced two positive fruits. First, I learned the power of Bible reading. Really, perhaps I've been so accustomed to studying a Bible text that it surprised me how much I got out of reading through a book of a Bible at the same speed I would any other book. This could be a helpful tool in the future. Second, I was really forced to pay much, much more attention to the exercise of prayer. With no Bible constantly available, and no like-minded brethren in Christ, I only had God to turn to through prayer when things got really tough.
Before long, people were starting to become rather appreciative of me. Thank God, at least they liked me for what they identified as a Christian character. They shared secrets with me and sought me for conversations on serious topics. This still backfired, though, and it became a humongous obstacle to my prayer life, because I became pleased with myself. I was aware of my self-contentment, of course, but it was incredibly hard feeling to overcome.
And that wasn't all that was there to tempt my pride. Quite a number of people were vocal about how they thought I was good-looking. And, beginning to agree with them, I started looking at reflections more.
Thus, I was caught in this complication for the majority of my time in the camp. A sense of a failure and a sense of pride, all at once. And perhaps, above all, a sense of loneliness. I could not express how alone I felt as a Christian. Which was why several passages became so much more meaningful to me.
"...that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,"
(Philippians 2:15)
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."
(Hebrews 12:3)
"Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end."
(John 13:1)
Throughout the camp, I also had opportunities to get to know other religions. This was also one of the things that troubled me, because all the believers of these religions keep trying to find common ground with mine, while I attempt to do the opposite. In the end, I realized that I didn't know the moral law enough, such that I wasn't able to convict them of their sin. (Indeed, I couldn't even convict myself of my sin throughout the camp.)
(John 13:1)
Throughout the camp, I also had opportunities to get to know other religions. This was also one of the things that troubled me, because all the believers of these religions keep trying to find common ground with mine, while I attempt to do the opposite. In the end, I realized that I didn't know the moral law enough, such that I wasn't able to convict them of their sin. (Indeed, I couldn't even convict myself of my sin throughout the camp.)
Very soon, I felt the implication of my inability to teach these people righteousness; it meant that I myself didn't know how to walk righteously. I didn't know what God wanted from me. Certainly, my life showed clear signs of this. But God eventually gave me an answer in a very, very familiar verse.
Day 77 (November 1)
Admist troubling thoughts, meditated and prayed a lot. I came to a point where I realized that I lost sight of God's heart; I wondered for some time what God truly cared for, and how I can be sure. Found an answer in Genesis 1:27, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." God cares for me because I am his image, his glory. Profound implications in such a simple truth.
I can't express what a great takeaway that was. It wasn't like a turning point or something during the camp, but it did take root in my heart. It reminded me of what holds all men accountable to the moral standards of God, even of what actually enables men to understand God's moral standards apart from regeneration.
The last few days were sad. Again, they were sad because I felt like I'd failed at achieving anything significant. And they were sad because I recognized how little I cared for those people. It stung me, how little love I had, because I almost felt glad that I was leaving them, even though I knew that most of them were headed for hell. I was disgusted with myself.
My last words in the journal:
I couldn't sleep on the bus when we were going back. I was too excited about going home.
My last words in the journal:
It's in such a time that I realize my disregard for persons, how hard it is for me to attach myself to other people. How inhumane I am. Resolved, to continue to fight for love, and commit my heart to persons outside of myself, first of all the eternal Person, and after that those who are created in His glorious image.
I couldn't sleep on the bus when we were going back. I was too excited about going home.
When we were nearing our destination, a girl who sat nearby called my name. "We're not going to see each other again," she said with a frown. That totally ruined my mood, because I knew what kind of person she was, and that she was helplessly going back to a sinful lifestyle. And at one point, I actually ignored a rather good opportunity for telling her about the gospel.
I breathed hard. Oh, regret.
We got off the bus. I gave one of my best friends a last hug, and I hopped into my car. Goodbye, PLKN, I thought blankly.
Well spent? Yes, for me. But just me. And I'm tired of thinking about just me any longer. People are dying.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."
(Ecclesiastes 3:11a)
Oh God, I pray that's true. How ugly I've made things.
* * * * *
TAKING THE BATTLE TO THE ENEMY
Some part of me wishes the story ended there. But nope.
Back home, I feel the full force of my flaws, especially because this is my comfort zone.
But somehow, seeing the spirit of my brethren, I was encouraged enough to become absolutely frustrated with my complacence, and set for myself the theme of spiritual warfare (something I picked up at NS) for the remainder of 2014. I've decided to actively wage war against my sins, and for the rescue of lost or backsliding souls.
Yes, this is happening now. And it's very, very scary, because I'm a sinner. And my sin is a greater force than any gangster I can possibly find on the face of the earth.
But William Gurnall once wrote: "He that has God's heart cannot lack his arm." And the arm of God is truly a power to be reckoned with. I remember the Exodus, the conquest of Canaan, Gideon's 300, David slaying the giant.
I'm actually filled with much sorrow, anxiety, and despair at the moment, in anticipation of the weeks that are to follow. It's going to be a tough battle. But it's good that I'm seeing this as such an insurmountable challenge; all the more reason to lean on Him.
Oh God, this is it, isn't it? At this point, where my plans are but hesitant guidelines, my determination discouraged, You'll intervene and do something great, no? With all my heart, I wish for that to be true. I surrender my fleshly ways. Work Your wonders and guide me, Almighty.
God help me, here I come.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,"
(Ephesians 6:10-18)
I breathed hard. Oh, regret.
We got off the bus. I gave one of my best friends a last hug, and I hopped into my car. Goodbye, PLKN, I thought blankly.
Well spent? Yes, for me. But just me. And I'm tired of thinking about just me any longer. People are dying.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."
(Ecclesiastes 3:11a)
Oh God, I pray that's true. How ugly I've made things.
* * * * *
TAKING THE BATTLE TO THE ENEMY
Some part of me wishes the story ended there. But nope.
Back home, I feel the full force of my flaws, especially because this is my comfort zone.
But somehow, seeing the spirit of my brethren, I was encouraged enough to become absolutely frustrated with my complacence, and set for myself the theme of spiritual warfare (something I picked up at NS) for the remainder of 2014. I've decided to actively wage war against my sins, and for the rescue of lost or backsliding souls.
Yes, this is happening now. And it's very, very scary, because I'm a sinner. And my sin is a greater force than any gangster I can possibly find on the face of the earth.
But William Gurnall once wrote: "He that has God's heart cannot lack his arm." And the arm of God is truly a power to be reckoned with. I remember the Exodus, the conquest of Canaan, Gideon's 300, David slaying the giant.
I'm actually filled with much sorrow, anxiety, and despair at the moment, in anticipation of the weeks that are to follow. It's going to be a tough battle. But it's good that I'm seeing this as such an insurmountable challenge; all the more reason to lean on Him.
Oh God, this is it, isn't it? At this point, where my plans are but hesitant guidelines, my determination discouraged, You'll intervene and do something great, no? With all my heart, I wish for that to be true. I surrender my fleshly ways. Work Your wonders and guide me, Almighty.
God help me, here I come.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,"
(Ephesians 6:10-18)
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Reverence; Heading to NS
REVERENCE
"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."
(Hebrews 12:28-29)
The final phrase of this passage, "for our God is a consuming fire", is a quotation from Deuteronomy 4:24, which also mentions that God is "a jealous God". God's jealousy must be understood in the context of His holiness; in the Old Testament, He is specifically presented as jealous for those who are called His holy people, set apart for Him. Thus, in the passage we see that one of the reasons given for worshiping God with reverence and awe is because of His holiness.
We live in a postmodern age. Who claims to have authority? He is arrogant. What is authority anyway? Perhaps there is no such thing after all. And as a result of all this, our generation is clearly ignorant of what it means to fear, respect, and revere. We find it uncomfortable to ever be serious and sober. And that is sad, because we are completely wasting something that God had put in us: the ability to enjoy the holy, and to "rejoice with trembling" (Psalm 2:11). We are hindered only by our immense pride.
I finished reading R.C. Sproul's classic The Holiness of God more than a week ago. The book explored the theme of God's holiness, and it reminded me of how important it is to be reverent, to love God's holy lordship. I realized that I cared very little for being fearful and serious before God. The modern evangelical "Jesus is my buddy" sentiment has deeply influenced me.
And perhaps teaching at the home school center is starting to make me realize how important it is to respect authority, not merely for authority's own sake, but even for the benefit of those who respect it. Because when one chooses to disrespect authority, he ultimately does it to his own harm. For example, when the students at the home school center fail to respect me as a teacher, the result is not that I lose anything, but that they themselves fail to acquire the knowledge I'm trying to impart, because they resist me.
But perhaps one of the challenges to having such a godly fear is the difficulty in distinguishing filial fear from servile fear. The way I see it is that the latter refers to a fear that considers its object as malevolent (evil-intentioned), while the former sees its object as benevolent (having goodwill). A servile fear does not see God as good and kind, but is afraid to cross Him because it sees God as a cruel and powerful tyrant. A filial fear, however, is afraid to sin against God precisely because it sees Him as good and kind and displeased with sin, and having the authority to punish sin. The key, I think, is that filial fear has an admiration for God's moral excellence, while servile fear simply fears pain.
In theory, it's quite clear, but in practice things can get a little fuzzy. Sometimes, in an effort to rid myself of servile fear, I get rid of filial fear altogether, throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Sometimes, in trying to bring myself to fear God, I end up with a self-centered servile fear instead of a God-centered filial fear.
Yet I continue to strive. I need to grow in this reverence, in order to keep my life's focus on the Creator, not on creation. Reverence is important for repenting of sinful lifestyles, important for personal maturity, important for becoming a true man of God.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;
fools despise wisdom and instruction."
(Proverbs 1:7)
How very true these words are, how very true!
* * * * *
REPORT OF AUGUST 12
I've been trying to learn how to pray. I've never really paid attention to my prayer life, but when I started to do so, I realized how difficult it is to pray sincerely and constantly. Still, I thank God for reminding me of a means of grace that I used to ignore quite a lot.
Living in a personalistic universe means that God is constantly revealing Himself to me through everything. And since prayer is obediently responding to God's revelation, the appropriate response to constant revelation is constant prayer. And the reason I don't pray is because I'm not aware that God is revealing Himself, because I've forgotten that the universe isn't impersonalistic, because I've been lured by my sins to stop depending on God.
I need to repent of that. Always need God, always give thanks, always cast my cares. I must learn this because it honors God.
Recently I've also been pursuing further studies and stuff. I've went to a couple of good Christian camps. I've been helping out at the home school center. I've been reading books. But most of all, I've been thinking.
I've been thinking about everything. Seriously. I've been trying to find a coherent and sturdy system of thought that can organize all the things I know and still leave room for the things I don't know. My head had been seriously messed up since the Taiwan visit. I'm trying to center everything on the Gospel. And it's hard. But thank God for Cornelius Van Til, he's been a great help in all this organizing, though it currently seems far from complete.
Perhaps the greatest question I struggled with for these few months was "how to live". But I've gotten past that after listening to Dr. David Peterson at the TTC camp. Now the real question is "where does my confidence lie?", or perhaps more directly, "how do I put my confidence in God?"
This post might seem really disorganized, but I'm just trying to quickly jot down whatever I can remember from these few months before I leave for National Service. Yep, I'm heading for National Service for three months. I'm leaving on August 17, five days from now. So I don't really have much time to write properly.
It's going to be good training. I hate crowds. I fear men. But now I have to learn to persevere in my reverence for God as I come into contact with the world. I must learn to fear no one but God.
I'm not sure what to say about all this, all that had happened. What can I say? God is good and I am foolish. I am faithless but He continues to guide me.
There are so many great details of the past few months that I could write about, especially the two camps, but it really is too much time and effort. It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm busy, too. I suppose that everything I've learned these few months can only be shared in my future posts, without reference to when and how I've learned them. But that's not a bad thing either.
All glory be to Him, the most trustworthy Person in and beyond the universe.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Mirror, Mirror, in the Scripture
SENTIMENTS OF JUNE 2014: PART 2
It is in the Reformed tradition to say that men only come to understand depravity when they learn of holiness. It is God's moral standards that shed light on the darkness that plagues human hearts. In part 1, I wrote about a painful discovery of how terrible I am as a human being. Several lessons I learned led to that.
Flashback! I completed my home school curriculum in March, and began to devote much time to theology. I was trying to read eight chapters of the Bible every day and was having online theology classes every Wednesday morning. It was especially these that set the stage for the big discovery.
As a result of those studies, these are the great lessons I've learned in the previous months:
Moral excellence is God's main concern
This is possibly the greatest truth that I learned from Edwards's Religious Affections. The idea was, for me, absolutely revolutionary. God is glorious in many ways, but the greatest way that He is glorious is in His moral perfection. Anyone can come to love God's immense power or infinite knowledge, but only the regenerate learn to love God's holiness and righteousness.
What I mean by moral perfection is God's perfection with regards to the attributes He exercises as a moral agent. Natural perfection refers to those attributes that primarily have to do with God's great power. No dichotomy is intended here, but a distinction is obvious.
When Christ came to earth, He restricted His omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence, but He did not relinquish His perfect holiness and righteousness. By this, we can easily tell what truly matters to God. God's moral perfection is the center of all His glories.
Edwards wrote that natural excellencies are indeed good things, but they are only good as far as they are guided by moral excellence. For example, power is good in the hands of a good leader, but is terrible in the hands of evil. Wealth is good when it belongs to a generous spirit, but despicable if it belongs to someone selfish. Abundant knowledge is good when used for the benefit of others, but bad if used to deceive people. Beauty is lovely, but becomes bitter if it turns out to be a mask for a wicked heart.
Thus, we have a clear guidance to what exactly should we find attractive about God. It is this truth that keeps us from both the extremes of idolizing God's blessings and despising them altogether, because we know that the blessings (natural excellence) serve to give shape and form to God's love (moral excellence), which is the main thing.
Also, this teaches us to prioritize holy living, because by this we should realize that our greatest way of glorifying God is by faithfulness, not health or wealth or knowledge or influence or beauty. By this, the focus of a saint's life is firmly set.
Love is selfless giving
Several months ago, I was contemplating on the nature of the Gospel. This led to my asking of the timeless question, "What is love?"
Through my Scripture reading, I came to conclude that love was seeking the benefit of others. This is indeed the standard and traditional answer, but I could not really believe it. Because if love was to seek the benefit of others, then a perfect love would be a complete devotion of oneself to others. In other words, perfect love would be an utter selflessness. I, of course, thought it was impossible to completely empty myself to care for others, because... well, I simply could not imagine what could motivate one to do such a thing.
The natural mode of thinking is to do something only if it pleases me. But what the Biblical virtue of love seems to suggest is that one does something for the pleasure of another even if it means displeasure for himself, where his only pleasure is that his object of love is pleased. In other words, Biblical love seems to be a love that would unconditionally give away all its pleasure in exchange for all the displeasure of someone else. That doesn't make sense to the natural man.
But it occurred to me that what is impossible with man is possible with God. God's love is a real, existing miracle. It is an ethical miracle. It is a moral miracle. It transcends earthly notions of justice. It really, truly seeks the benefit of others, even at the expense of self. And what makes me so sure that this is the nature of God's love is, of course, His Word. Jesus noted that we would be just like the tax collectors and Gentiles if we only loved those who loved us in return.
Even if we say that God does all things for His own glory, He does it not as a selfish thing. As I mentioned in a previous post, the Father seeks the glory of the Son and of the Spirit, the Son seeks the glory of the Father and of the Spirit, and the Spirit seeks the glory of the Father and of the Son. It is all selfless. And God also seeks His own glory for our sake, because His glory is the greatest benefit we can have. And God wants us to seek his glory selflessly because in doing so, we become like Him, and are glorified.
Jonathan Edwards confirms this in Religious Affections when he wrote of the love that is required of us. He wrote that a true love for God is not merely motivated by the fact that God loves that person personally. Saints should love God because God is morally excellent, period. A saint must have a deep conviction that God is worthy of loving even if He cast him into hell. Our love of God is not motivated by our selfishness. True saints do not come to love God simply because they are aware that it would be a "fair transaction". True saints love God because they see the greatness of God's infinite love and admire it and imitate it.
All this gives a deeper meaning to the famous statement, "God is love." And with it, one can paint a beautiful picture of a perfect world where everyone does his utmost for God and for others, everyone showering blessings on everyone, for the simple reason that everyone is endowed with God's love in his heart.
God is most glorified through weakness
I first noticed a pattern in the Bible where God honors the meek and humbles the proud. Early on, I couldn't really understand why this was so significant. And I was a little displeased with this because I felt that I was in the category of the proud. I could not see the glory of it.
Then, one day I came across a life-changing sermon by Charles Leiter, "The Weakness and Foolishness of God." I'll just repeat what I've written about the sermon in an earlier post:
It finally taught me the nature of that glory that I have been seeking for such a long time, that God is not as glorified in great displays of abundance, knowledge, strength, and beauty as He is in the use of weak and lowly means.
This is because it is only natural for the strong to defeat the weak. But for the weak to defeat the strong, God must be involved. Thus, in the end, no one can boast of himself, but of God. That is how God is glorified, not by human impressiveness, but by human weakness.
This truth has given me much steadfastness and courage. Because now I'm sure that it's okay to seem like scum in the eyes of the world. The world's mockery of God and His church is but for a moment. We can be assured that when things seem to be going really downhill, it's simply God making the time ripe for His miracles, and not that God has lost control of things.
Our lives, then, are not measured in achievements, but in faithfulness, for it is not the work of man that is most glorious, but the supernatural work of God that brings about faith, hope, and love. (Again, it is moral excellence that truly counts!)
These three lessons worked together to break me. I realized how very little love I have. All the knowledge I gained is made null without a true knowledge of love. In God's eyes, a head full of information is nothing compared to a heart full of love.
And I realized that God's greatest concern isn't for how far I can extend my influence in my lifetime, it's for how much I obey Him in loving Him and loving people, according to the portion He has given me. I might not become a great man, but I certainly am obliged to be a faithful man.
Finally, I realized how much I neglected Christ and His cross, the most vivid expression of God's moral excellence, of selfless love, of divine power and wisdom shown in God weakness and foolishness. I found out I needed to love Christ. Like, really love Him.
My heart is heavy, but I know that the weights are for strengthening me. This pressure is necessary if I am to become a man able bear all things in love. No more running away. I'm scared as hell, but no more running.
What exactly are the practical steps I am to take in loving God and men? I'm still working that out. But I find that my directions are becoming clearer, and there seems to be some clear actions I can take in giving myself up for others.
I came across a passage in the Gospel of John yesterday, about Jesus telling people to eat His flesh and drink His blood. Multitudes were offended by this gory image, and left Him. But I realize that, although Jesus was speaking figuratively, the bloodiness was intended to evoke a sort of repulsion. It was intended because it was meaningful. When animals are eaten for food, they die so that the eater could live. Jesus, in His death, was like a man cannibalized, torn limb from limb, flesh stripped from bone, all dignity lost. And yet Jesus came willingly from heaven, like a man coming to a group of hungry cannibals, saying, "Come, come, eat and live."
That is amazing. And while the sinful part of me cries out in protest, "I don't want that pain, that suffering!", something deeper inside of me quietly but surely confesses, "I want to be like that man."
And thanks be to God that it is granted me to suffer for His sake.
Thank God for an incredibly, tremendously rich six months.
It is in the Reformed tradition to say that men only come to understand depravity when they learn of holiness. It is God's moral standards that shed light on the darkness that plagues human hearts. In part 1, I wrote about a painful discovery of how terrible I am as a human being. Several lessons I learned led to that.
Flashback! I completed my home school curriculum in March, and began to devote much time to theology. I was trying to read eight chapters of the Bible every day and was having online theology classes every Wednesday morning. It was especially these that set the stage for the big discovery.
As a result of those studies, these are the great lessons I've learned in the previous months:
Moral excellence is God's main concern
This is possibly the greatest truth that I learned from Edwards's Religious Affections. The idea was, for me, absolutely revolutionary. God is glorious in many ways, but the greatest way that He is glorious is in His moral perfection. Anyone can come to love God's immense power or infinite knowledge, but only the regenerate learn to love God's holiness and righteousness.
What I mean by moral perfection is God's perfection with regards to the attributes He exercises as a moral agent. Natural perfection refers to those attributes that primarily have to do with God's great power. No dichotomy is intended here, but a distinction is obvious.
When Christ came to earth, He restricted His omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence, but He did not relinquish His perfect holiness and righteousness. By this, we can easily tell what truly matters to God. God's moral perfection is the center of all His glories.
Edwards wrote that natural excellencies are indeed good things, but they are only good as far as they are guided by moral excellence. For example, power is good in the hands of a good leader, but is terrible in the hands of evil. Wealth is good when it belongs to a generous spirit, but despicable if it belongs to someone selfish. Abundant knowledge is good when used for the benefit of others, but bad if used to deceive people. Beauty is lovely, but becomes bitter if it turns out to be a mask for a wicked heart.
Thus, we have a clear guidance to what exactly should we find attractive about God. It is this truth that keeps us from both the extremes of idolizing God's blessings and despising them altogether, because we know that the blessings (natural excellence) serve to give shape and form to God's love (moral excellence), which is the main thing.
Also, this teaches us to prioritize holy living, because by this we should realize that our greatest way of glorifying God is by faithfulness, not health or wealth or knowledge or influence or beauty. By this, the focus of a saint's life is firmly set.
Love is selfless giving
Several months ago, I was contemplating on the nature of the Gospel. This led to my asking of the timeless question, "What is love?"
Through my Scripture reading, I came to conclude that love was seeking the benefit of others. This is indeed the standard and traditional answer, but I could not really believe it. Because if love was to seek the benefit of others, then a perfect love would be a complete devotion of oneself to others. In other words, perfect love would be an utter selflessness. I, of course, thought it was impossible to completely empty myself to care for others, because... well, I simply could not imagine what could motivate one to do such a thing.
The natural mode of thinking is to do something only if it pleases me. But what the Biblical virtue of love seems to suggest is that one does something for the pleasure of another even if it means displeasure for himself, where his only pleasure is that his object of love is pleased. In other words, Biblical love seems to be a love that would unconditionally give away all its pleasure in exchange for all the displeasure of someone else. That doesn't make sense to the natural man.
But it occurred to me that what is impossible with man is possible with God. God's love is a real, existing miracle. It is an ethical miracle. It is a moral miracle. It transcends earthly notions of justice. It really, truly seeks the benefit of others, even at the expense of self. And what makes me so sure that this is the nature of God's love is, of course, His Word. Jesus noted that we would be just like the tax collectors and Gentiles if we only loved those who loved us in return.
Even if we say that God does all things for His own glory, He does it not as a selfish thing. As I mentioned in a previous post, the Father seeks the glory of the Son and of the Spirit, the Son seeks the glory of the Father and of the Spirit, and the Spirit seeks the glory of the Father and of the Son. It is all selfless. And God also seeks His own glory for our sake, because His glory is the greatest benefit we can have. And God wants us to seek his glory selflessly because in doing so, we become like Him, and are glorified.
Jonathan Edwards confirms this in Religious Affections when he wrote of the love that is required of us. He wrote that a true love for God is not merely motivated by the fact that God loves that person personally. Saints should love God because God is morally excellent, period. A saint must have a deep conviction that God is worthy of loving even if He cast him into hell. Our love of God is not motivated by our selfishness. True saints do not come to love God simply because they are aware that it would be a "fair transaction". True saints love God because they see the greatness of God's infinite love and admire it and imitate it.
All this gives a deeper meaning to the famous statement, "God is love." And with it, one can paint a beautiful picture of a perfect world where everyone does his utmost for God and for others, everyone showering blessings on everyone, for the simple reason that everyone is endowed with God's love in his heart.
God is most glorified through weakness
I first noticed a pattern in the Bible where God honors the meek and humbles the proud. Early on, I couldn't really understand why this was so significant. And I was a little displeased with this because I felt that I was in the category of the proud. I could not see the glory of it.
Then, one day I came across a life-changing sermon by Charles Leiter, "The Weakness and Foolishness of God." I'll just repeat what I've written about the sermon in an earlier post:
It finally taught me the nature of that glory that I have been seeking for such a long time, that God is not as glorified in great displays of abundance, knowledge, strength, and beauty as He is in the use of weak and lowly means.
This is because it is only natural for the strong to defeat the weak. But for the weak to defeat the strong, God must be involved. Thus, in the end, no one can boast of himself, but of God. That is how God is glorified, not by human impressiveness, but by human weakness.
This truth has given me much steadfastness and courage. Because now I'm sure that it's okay to seem like scum in the eyes of the world. The world's mockery of God and His church is but for a moment. We can be assured that when things seem to be going really downhill, it's simply God making the time ripe for His miracles, and not that God has lost control of things.
Our lives, then, are not measured in achievements, but in faithfulness, for it is not the work of man that is most glorious, but the supernatural work of God that brings about faith, hope, and love. (Again, it is moral excellence that truly counts!)
These three lessons worked together to break me. I realized how very little love I have. All the knowledge I gained is made null without a true knowledge of love. In God's eyes, a head full of information is nothing compared to a heart full of love.
And I realized that God's greatest concern isn't for how far I can extend my influence in my lifetime, it's for how much I obey Him in loving Him and loving people, according to the portion He has given me. I might not become a great man, but I certainly am obliged to be a faithful man.
Finally, I realized how much I neglected Christ and His cross, the most vivid expression of God's moral excellence, of selfless love, of divine power and wisdom shown in God weakness and foolishness. I found out I needed to love Christ. Like, really love Him.
My heart is heavy, but I know that the weights are for strengthening me. This pressure is necessary if I am to become a man able bear all things in love. No more running away. I'm scared as hell, but no more running.
What exactly are the practical steps I am to take in loving God and men? I'm still working that out. But I find that my directions are becoming clearer, and there seems to be some clear actions I can take in giving myself up for others.
I came across a passage in the Gospel of John yesterday, about Jesus telling people to eat His flesh and drink His blood. Multitudes were offended by this gory image, and left Him. But I realize that, although Jesus was speaking figuratively, the bloodiness was intended to evoke a sort of repulsion. It was intended because it was meaningful. When animals are eaten for food, they die so that the eater could live. Jesus, in His death, was like a man cannibalized, torn limb from limb, flesh stripped from bone, all dignity lost. And yet Jesus came willingly from heaven, like a man coming to a group of hungry cannibals, saying, "Come, come, eat and live."
That is amazing. And while the sinful part of me cries out in protest, "I don't want that pain, that suffering!", something deeper inside of me quietly but surely confesses, "I want to be like that man."
And thanks be to God that it is granted me to suffer for His sake.
Thank God for an incredibly, tremendously rich six months.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The Fourth Book
SENTIMENTS OF JUNE 2014: PART 1
Once again, the stinging, smoky smell drifts through Malaysia. Anything beyond a 500-meter radius is completely hidden from the human eye. The haze is back, and for me, it's rather timely. My spiritual sight is shrouded as well.
Here I am, wondering what on earth I'm supposed to write about. About two weeks ago, I felt that my life was coming to a point of stabilization. I had completed my Jonathan Edwards theology class, and was days away from sitting for SAT. Then I would go to Taiwan for a week, and perhaps take the time to reflect on what I've learned these months.
The actual overseas visit radically changed such expectations.
It's not that going to an unfamiliar geographical location was problematic for me per se. The issue was that I was traveling with people, namely, my family. Neither they nor I truly realized how abnormal I was until I was forced to be somewhere unfamiliar for a considerable length of time.
I live in my own head, I really do. I didn't know how true this was until I went somewhere else. Normally, people in a new environment would engage themselves with it. I didn't. I started off continuing to think about topics I usually committed myself to thinking about. Gradually, my family became more and more appalled at how little I care for geographical information (where we were, where we are, where we're going) and how badly I communicate with people (my parents had to constantly respond to people on my behalf, as my replies were mostly short, uninformed, and uncertain).
As the week went by, I became increasingly confused about myself, and increasingly certain that the week was not going to turn out the way I expected it to. I brought three books with me, and I barely read any one of them. I came to realize, through frequent rebukes regarding my abnormality, that there was a fourth book, titled "Experience". And man, did I read it with the utmost frustration. Both the language and the structure of this particular book was completely cryptic to me. It was so hard to follow, to understand.
I felt completely shaken by the time I returned. I did not realize that my defects were so numerous, various, and serious. I did not truly realize that, when it came down to it, I really don't know how to communicate normally. I don't know how to speak to people. And at the heart of that is the fact that I just don't consider other people. I don't consider what others think, or what they don't know.
What's worse is that such elements of personhood are basic. The fourth book is kindergarten-level (in a way). I quite fancied myself a mature person, but what rubbish such thoughts now seem.
All of that having been said, the point is that I'm finding it hard to know in what direction I'm actually heading in life right now. I feel very helpless, very amateur and unskilled. Thus, I'm not quite sure what to write, what to think. The haze really is timely.
The confounding factor is the moral standard of love, I suppose. These few months, I thought I was making some great bounds in learning about love. Suddenly, I'm faced with a vision of myself as a cold, detached, self-absorbed, ambitious, cowardly, condescending, and skeptical—in short, disgustingly awkward—human being. I'm like what on earth, I don't know anything, at all.
The vigor with which I was poring into books is gone. I came back feeling so depressed I didn't feel like reading any more books. That fourth book has left me feeling haunted. It informed me that, despite my rather unusual ability to construct sturdy systems of thought, it's all in vain if I could not share it. Without love I am nothing. I hesitate when I try to come up with reading plans, because I don't want to become so absorbed in my own thoughts again that coming out of it would be awkward and painful.
There's much more to write about, more to reflect upon. I need to organize my thoughts and get an idea of what's going on. And my thought system has to be communicable. But it's late, and I need rest. I will continue tomorrow.
Once again, the stinging, smoky smell drifts through Malaysia. Anything beyond a 500-meter radius is completely hidden from the human eye. The haze is back, and for me, it's rather timely. My spiritual sight is shrouded as well.
Here I am, wondering what on earth I'm supposed to write about. About two weeks ago, I felt that my life was coming to a point of stabilization. I had completed my Jonathan Edwards theology class, and was days away from sitting for SAT. Then I would go to Taiwan for a week, and perhaps take the time to reflect on what I've learned these months.
The actual overseas visit radically changed such expectations.
It's not that going to an unfamiliar geographical location was problematic for me per se. The issue was that I was traveling with people, namely, my family. Neither they nor I truly realized how abnormal I was until I was forced to be somewhere unfamiliar for a considerable length of time.
I live in my own head, I really do. I didn't know how true this was until I went somewhere else. Normally, people in a new environment would engage themselves with it. I didn't. I started off continuing to think about topics I usually committed myself to thinking about. Gradually, my family became more and more appalled at how little I care for geographical information (where we were, where we are, where we're going) and how badly I communicate with people (my parents had to constantly respond to people on my behalf, as my replies were mostly short, uninformed, and uncertain).
As the week went by, I became increasingly confused about myself, and increasingly certain that the week was not going to turn out the way I expected it to. I brought three books with me, and I barely read any one of them. I came to realize, through frequent rebukes regarding my abnormality, that there was a fourth book, titled "Experience". And man, did I read it with the utmost frustration. Both the language and the structure of this particular book was completely cryptic to me. It was so hard to follow, to understand.
I felt completely shaken by the time I returned. I did not realize that my defects were so numerous, various, and serious. I did not truly realize that, when it came down to it, I really don't know how to communicate normally. I don't know how to speak to people. And at the heart of that is the fact that I just don't consider other people. I don't consider what others think, or what they don't know.
What's worse is that such elements of personhood are basic. The fourth book is kindergarten-level (in a way). I quite fancied myself a mature person, but what rubbish such thoughts now seem.
All of that having been said, the point is that I'm finding it hard to know in what direction I'm actually heading in life right now. I feel very helpless, very amateur and unskilled. Thus, I'm not quite sure what to write, what to think. The haze really is timely.
The confounding factor is the moral standard of love, I suppose. These few months, I thought I was making some great bounds in learning about love. Suddenly, I'm faced with a vision of myself as a cold, detached, self-absorbed, ambitious, cowardly, condescending, and skeptical—in short, disgustingly awkward—human being. I'm like what on earth, I don't know anything, at all.
The vigor with which I was poring into books is gone. I came back feeling so depressed I didn't feel like reading any more books. That fourth book has left me feeling haunted. It informed me that, despite my rather unusual ability to construct sturdy systems of thought, it's all in vain if I could not share it. Without love I am nothing. I hesitate when I try to come up with reading plans, because I don't want to become so absorbed in my own thoughts again that coming out of it would be awkward and painful.
There's much more to write about, more to reflect upon. I need to organize my thoughts and get an idea of what's going on. And my thought system has to be communicable. But it's late, and I need rest. I will continue tomorrow.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
A Large, Long River; Love and Tremble
MERCIES UPON MERCIES AS I GO ALONG
That last sentence of the above quote is reminiscent of a glorious and powerful verse in the book of Joshua: "Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass." (Joshua 21:45)
The world is a chaotic place. And I've always been scared, so desperately afraid of the world that I'd imagine my own.
But I never had courage because I never trusted the good promises of God, that no matter what happens, He is good and only does the right thing. I had to build my walls because I thought that giving myself to others means that I would perish, not knowing that the essence of love is life, and since life cannot die, love never ends.
The Scripture and the vast cloud of witnesses who have gone before me testify to God's faithfulness, that even in a world filled with evil, God's promises remain unshaken, and He will finally do justice to all. He will reward those who trusted Him despite how stupid and weak it seemed to do so, and He will slay the proud who oppressed the righteous and hated God. It will come to pass. He said so. We must trust Him. It will surely come to pass.
I've been taking an online theology class. My lessons were once a week, and lasted for twelve weeks. I completed the course last week.
I'm not precisely sure what I've gotten out of it. Mostly I've found out that I'm a terrible, terrible person. I hate myself. I hate most everything I do. I'm so fed up with my monstrosity. I've been wishing that I could change for so long. But it's so hard to put off selfishness. It's such a deeply-rooted problem that I've gotten so used to it. I'm trapped and withering and stinking like a corpse.
And I don't even cry out enough. That's the worst thing of all. It's so reasonable and easy to see, at this point, that I should, with the graceful swiftness of a deer, abandon self-confidence and break. But I can't break. I'm not sad enough to cry, not ashamed enough to blush. I'm hardened.
But God is working His wonders, I know. Oh, what a wonderful thing to have come across that sermon by Charles Leiter, "The Weakness and Foolishness of God". It finally taught me the nature of that glory that I have been seeking for such a long time, that God is not as glorified in great displays of abundance, knowledge, strength, and beauty as He is in the use of weak and lowly means.
This is because it is only natural for the strong to defeat the weak. But for the weak to defeat the strong, God must be involved. Thus, in the end, no one can boast of himself, but of God. That is how God is glorified, not by human impressiveness, but by human weakness.
Which is why, despite my terrible condition, losing hope is not an option for me. Because I know that despite how chaotic and despairing things seem, this all is meant to show that what man cannot accomplish, God can. I await the day when this socially awkward boy will be transformed into a selfless and honest gentleman, testifying to God's power in obliterating sin. I keep looking and waiting, and keep trying and failing, knowing that all the bitterness shall make the sweetness sweeter.
And throughout all this, as the days go by, I continue to be surprised by God's mercy. It's not that anything especially pleasing or nice happened to me, but that I failed so much. I kept being unable to do what I'm commanded to do. And no matter what I did, I realized that God's promises were still valid for me. I changed, but the Word did not change. Christ still beckons. Again and again and again and again. Seventy times seven times.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons I'm so afraid to love people. Because I realized how terribly hard it should've been for God to love me. I hated Him so much. But He pressed on, not only for a moment, but for years, up until now. I don't see myself as having the strength to persevere like that, like Christ. This must sound confusing, since it should be that knowing how hard it was for God to love me makes it easier for me to love unlovely people. But I don't know, I really don't. But I do continue to hope that I can find the strength to be like that one day, despite the hurt I have to go through.
It seems that the filmmaking dream was dropped. I might very likely become a pastor. I don't even want to talk about it, it's such a scary prospect at this point, and I'm so incredibly disappointed with my own spiritual life that the idea seems laughable. But I love God's Word, and I love to see God glorified, and my heart yearns for a place of refuge for God's people. It's true that no other job seems more terrifying to me, but I'm also sure that no other job can make me happier. Not even making films. Not anymore.
That's kind of what has been going on in my life for these few weeks and months, mainly.
God's promises do not fail. But why the agony in waiting for their fruition? Because God wants to present the best in the best way presentable. Along the way, He walks with us and showers us with mercies and gifts.
* * * * *
WHY YOUR CRUSH MAKES YOU NERVOUS
You've likely seen many girls that day. They don't bother you much, and you treat them normally as you would a human being. You talk and laugh and go about your business as usual.
Then she appears.
Something inside your stomach jumps and a tingle runs through your body. Your heart rate rises. How pretty she looks today. You suppress the rising sensation and look elsewhere, trying to not to look overexcited or overly insecure, and trying not to look like you're too bothered by her entry.
By coincidence she comes somewhere near you. She notices you, and greets you, "Hi!". That sweet voice. Taken by surprise, your greeting spills clumsily out of your mouth. Your heart rate doubles, and you try to relax to ease the burning sensation in your face and ears. How stupid! you scold yourself for acting so weird.
She goes on to talk about other things. How unbelievable, she's talking to me. As she speaks, you secretly admire how perfectly graceful she appears in everything she does. But at the same time, the longer the conversation is held, the more insecure and tense you become, worried about whether or not she may be disturbed by your responses. You realize that you have an excess of saliva in your mouth that you're afraid swallowing might make too much noise. You suddenly forgot how to stand normally, and any posture seems awkward to you.
Finally, she bids you goodbye, and you strain one final smile before watching her turn and walk away, her ponytail swishing behind her. You breathe a sigh of relief, and while squirming at how stupid you were, your infatuation with her is fresh in your heart. What a lovely girl, like no other.
Why is it that the people we admire cause us to be anxious when around them? It's because we look up to them so much that we feel unworthy. They don't even have to look down on you to make you feel inferior; you already feel that way when you recognize how excellent they are.
This is an experience familiar to so many. Why, then, is it hard to grasp the idea of the coexistence of godly love and godly fear? It's because we truly love God that we fear Him, because we realize how infinitely removed from His perfection we are. Compared to His excellence, we seem so inferior and so awkward. But that's what makes the adventure of drawing near to Him so thrilling. Because if He's so normal that He does not take our breath away, what's the glory in that?
It's because we have such a terrifyingly holy God that the idea of feeling bored in heaven is so ridiculous. Try to feel bored in heaven, I promise you it will be infinitely harder than trying to stay calm beside your crush.
The different streams of this river are apt to appear like mere confusion to us, because of our limited sight, whereby we cannot see the whole at once. A man who sees but one or two streams at a time, cannot tell what their course tends to. Their course seems very crooked, and different streams seem to run for a while different and contrary ways: and if we view things at a distance, there seem to be innumerable obstacles and impediments in the way, as rocks and mountains, and the like; to hinder their ever uniting and coming to the ocean; but yet if we trace them, they all unite at last, they all come to the same issue, disgorging themselves in one into the same ocean. Not one of all the streams fail.
– Jonathan Edwards
That last sentence of the above quote is reminiscent of a glorious and powerful verse in the book of Joshua: "Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass." (Joshua 21:45)
The world is a chaotic place. And I've always been scared, so desperately afraid of the world that I'd imagine my own.
But I never had courage because I never trusted the good promises of God, that no matter what happens, He is good and only does the right thing. I had to build my walls because I thought that giving myself to others means that I would perish, not knowing that the essence of love is life, and since life cannot die, love never ends.
The Scripture and the vast cloud of witnesses who have gone before me testify to God's faithfulness, that even in a world filled with evil, God's promises remain unshaken, and He will finally do justice to all. He will reward those who trusted Him despite how stupid and weak it seemed to do so, and He will slay the proud who oppressed the righteous and hated God. It will come to pass. He said so. We must trust Him. It will surely come to pass.
I've been taking an online theology class. My lessons were once a week, and lasted for twelve weeks. I completed the course last week.
I'm not precisely sure what I've gotten out of it. Mostly I've found out that I'm a terrible, terrible person. I hate myself. I hate most everything I do. I'm so fed up with my monstrosity. I've been wishing that I could change for so long. But it's so hard to put off selfishness. It's such a deeply-rooted problem that I've gotten so used to it. I'm trapped and withering and stinking like a corpse.
And I don't even cry out enough. That's the worst thing of all. It's so reasonable and easy to see, at this point, that I should, with the graceful swiftness of a deer, abandon self-confidence and break. But I can't break. I'm not sad enough to cry, not ashamed enough to blush. I'm hardened.
But God is working His wonders, I know. Oh, what a wonderful thing to have come across that sermon by Charles Leiter, "The Weakness and Foolishness of God". It finally taught me the nature of that glory that I have been seeking for such a long time, that God is not as glorified in great displays of abundance, knowledge, strength, and beauty as He is in the use of weak and lowly means.
This is because it is only natural for the strong to defeat the weak. But for the weak to defeat the strong, God must be involved. Thus, in the end, no one can boast of himself, but of God. That is how God is glorified, not by human impressiveness, but by human weakness.
Which is why, despite my terrible condition, losing hope is not an option for me. Because I know that despite how chaotic and despairing things seem, this all is meant to show that what man cannot accomplish, God can. I await the day when this socially awkward boy will be transformed into a selfless and honest gentleman, testifying to God's power in obliterating sin. I keep looking and waiting, and keep trying and failing, knowing that all the bitterness shall make the sweetness sweeter.
And throughout all this, as the days go by, I continue to be surprised by God's mercy. It's not that anything especially pleasing or nice happened to me, but that I failed so much. I kept being unable to do what I'm commanded to do. And no matter what I did, I realized that God's promises were still valid for me. I changed, but the Word did not change. Christ still beckons. Again and again and again and again. Seventy times seven times.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons I'm so afraid to love people. Because I realized how terribly hard it should've been for God to love me. I hated Him so much. But He pressed on, not only for a moment, but for years, up until now. I don't see myself as having the strength to persevere like that, like Christ. This must sound confusing, since it should be that knowing how hard it was for God to love me makes it easier for me to love unlovely people. But I don't know, I really don't. But I do continue to hope that I can find the strength to be like that one day, despite the hurt I have to go through.
It seems that the filmmaking dream was dropped. I might very likely become a pastor. I don't even want to talk about it, it's such a scary prospect at this point, and I'm so incredibly disappointed with my own spiritual life that the idea seems laughable. But I love God's Word, and I love to see God glorified, and my heart yearns for a place of refuge for God's people. It's true that no other job seems more terrifying to me, but I'm also sure that no other job can make me happier. Not even making films. Not anymore.
That's kind of what has been going on in my life for these few weeks and months, mainly.
God's promises do not fail. But why the agony in waiting for their fruition? Because God wants to present the best in the best way presentable. Along the way, He walks with us and showers us with mercies and gifts.
* * * * *
WHY YOUR CRUSH MAKES YOU NERVOUS
You've likely seen many girls that day. They don't bother you much, and you treat them normally as you would a human being. You talk and laugh and go about your business as usual.
Then she appears.
Something inside your stomach jumps and a tingle runs through your body. Your heart rate rises. How pretty she looks today. You suppress the rising sensation and look elsewhere, trying to not to look overexcited or overly insecure, and trying not to look like you're too bothered by her entry.
By coincidence she comes somewhere near you. She notices you, and greets you, "Hi!". That sweet voice. Taken by surprise, your greeting spills clumsily out of your mouth. Your heart rate doubles, and you try to relax to ease the burning sensation in your face and ears. How stupid! you scold yourself for acting so weird.
She goes on to talk about other things. How unbelievable, she's talking to me. As she speaks, you secretly admire how perfectly graceful she appears in everything she does. But at the same time, the longer the conversation is held, the more insecure and tense you become, worried about whether or not she may be disturbed by your responses. You realize that you have an excess of saliva in your mouth that you're afraid swallowing might make too much noise. You suddenly forgot how to stand normally, and any posture seems awkward to you.
Finally, she bids you goodbye, and you strain one final smile before watching her turn and walk away, her ponytail swishing behind her. You breathe a sigh of relief, and while squirming at how stupid you were, your infatuation with her is fresh in your heart. What a lovely girl, like no other.
Why is it that the people we admire cause us to be anxious when around them? It's because we look up to them so much that we feel unworthy. They don't even have to look down on you to make you feel inferior; you already feel that way when you recognize how excellent they are.
This is an experience familiar to so many. Why, then, is it hard to grasp the idea of the coexistence of godly love and godly fear? It's because we truly love God that we fear Him, because we realize how infinitely removed from His perfection we are. Compared to His excellence, we seem so inferior and so awkward. But that's what makes the adventure of drawing near to Him so thrilling. Because if He's so normal that He does not take our breath away, what's the glory in that?
It's because we have such a terrifyingly holy God that the idea of feeling bored in heaven is so ridiculous. Try to feel bored in heaven, I promise you it will be infinitely harder than trying to stay calm beside your crush.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
The Dreamer
A SORTA ALLEGORY OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW
More times than I can remember, I was a hero in a lucid dream.
They were not dreams where there were no problems. But I knew those problems and how to deal with them, because they were my dreams.
The poor people in my dreams could not solve those problems. I came like a Messiah to them, bringing to them peace and satisfaction in many ways; there was no crisis that was left unsolved. I comforted them in their utter despair and sadness and gave them hope. My dialogue was always charming, and I spoke power into their lives.
Even though I had the power even to make myself a king, or a man of great wealth, or with great might, I never did so. I knew those things would obscure my true self and my glory. The man who wins a battle empty handed has more glory than he who wins with weapons, and he who wins with words even more glorified, and he who wins with silence even more so. Indeed, my resources were little, but I always emerged the victor, winning battles and winning hearts.
At times, my dreams were rudely interrupted by some noise or commotion in the real world. Such interruptions were unbearably irritating; I wished I did not have to answer to the petty and mundane affairs of the real world. But as it is, the dreamer is real, and the dream is not, and reality dispels imaginings like light overcomes darkness.
Even so, I did not forget my people and the beautiful lands where I belonged. I would manage the necessary affairs of living (or at least, what I deem necessary), then return to my dream, where some quest would await me, and some trouble put me to the test.
Now, there was an ancient man who lived even to this day, and whose day of conception remains unknown. He was the most terrible interrupter of dreams I ever knew in my life; firstly, his body shone so brightly that if he walked into a dark room, the room would be illuminated as if it were day, and secondly, his footsteps had the very sound of thunder.
He used to walk past my room, where I slept and dreamt, and the light and noise would startle me. I knew that it was meant to wake me so that I would go out and follow him (to whatever place he takes people to), but I could not but feel very annoyed, and try to go back to sleep.
But one day I once again heard his thunderous footsteps, and for the first time... he walked straight into my room. The room instantly lit up, and besides the sound of thunder there was a deafening blast of wind. All of the sleep jolted from my body, I sat on my bed in speechless shock, wide-eyed, my heart pounding fast. I seriously thought I was going to die.
Yet, the closer he came, the calmer the wind, and the less thunderous his footsteps were. An invisible ghost that was in the wind whispered to me as the man drew near, saying repeatedly, "More to be seen, more to be seen..." Then as he sat down on the bed, all became still.
I could not look straight at him because he was so bright, so I sort of tried to look at him sideways, squinting. Then, to me these words he said,
"How long will you lie down, O sluggard?
When will you arise from your sleep?
'A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to rest'—
Your poverty will come in like a vagabond
And your need like an armed man."
Then he left the room.
I did not feel annoyed, as I usually did before. Instead, I felt a mixture of soberness and exhilaration. And his words cut deeply to the heart, such that I did not want to go back to sleep again. I wasn't sure what to do.
"More to be seen..." I heard the ghost say again.
And then I knew. Then I did the craziest thing ever. Immediately I leaped from my bed and charged out after the man, forsaking that room forever.
So I followed the man. And the longer I followed him, the more I could make of his countenance and features, whereas before he was so bright that I could not really see what he looked like. And it's not that he became less bright, but something was happening to my eyes that gave them a certain empowerment.
However, although I forsook the room, yet my dreams followed me. And whenever I am reminded of my dream world, I would grow tired of whatever business that the man had entrusted me to do, and doze off. When I wake up I would feel guilty of having neglected my work, but then afterwards still I indulge in my dreams.
Thus, I embarked on quests in two different worlds. It was not long before I found that the quests are of radically different natures, for in my dreams I do things for my own glory's sake, but for the man I work for his sake. The kind of satisfaction is different, too. In the dreams, satisfaction is much more easily attained, but fades rather quickly. In following the man, satisfaction is hard to gain, but persists for long.
It was also true that I could not pursue one without neglecting the other. Indulging in dreams severely affected my real work; whilst in the dreams, pain and sadness are quite bearable, but this causes the sting of real pain to surprise me and steal my enthusiasm for the work. My resistance to pain, fatigue, anxiety, sorrow, and shame are all greatly reduced, the more I continued living in my mild, self-written scripts.
Yet, I did not realize all this until the man sternly rebuked me today, saying, "The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
Oh, what a poor wretch I am, and how shameful! All this time I helped and comforted people who weren't real, while leaving the real people to their problems! A love with a false object cannot be a true love.
It is absurd, all my imagining and dreaming that I can help people this way and that, and never doing the deed, for fear that I cannot ensure my success. My hands have become too tender for work, and my heart too hardened for disappointment.
Yet the path of glory that the ancient man has for me is not all fairy tales and rainbows, but grit and failure and persistence. Oh, how I fear it, the true path of glory! It is like walking a trail of thorns and broken glass.
Forsake pride, fool! Awake from your slumber! May your eyes be more empowered to see the ancient man clearly, with holes in his hands and feet, having completed the path of glory!
The dreamer must dream no more, or he shall miss out in the perfect dream of God, the dream so divine that it comes to pass in the exact holy and wise way the Father of the ancient man dreamt it.
I desire Your glory, Lord. Don't forsake me to my own futility.
And those with the same desire, Lord, answer them. You Yourself have promised that there is more glory to be seen than is presently seen.
All glory and beauty be unto the ancient man. Amen.
More times than I can remember, I was a hero in a lucid dream.
They were not dreams where there were no problems. But I knew those problems and how to deal with them, because they were my dreams.
The poor people in my dreams could not solve those problems. I came like a Messiah to them, bringing to them peace and satisfaction in many ways; there was no crisis that was left unsolved. I comforted them in their utter despair and sadness and gave them hope. My dialogue was always charming, and I spoke power into their lives.
Even though I had the power even to make myself a king, or a man of great wealth, or with great might, I never did so. I knew those things would obscure my true self and my glory. The man who wins a battle empty handed has more glory than he who wins with weapons, and he who wins with words even more glorified, and he who wins with silence even more so. Indeed, my resources were little, but I always emerged the victor, winning battles and winning hearts.
At times, my dreams were rudely interrupted by some noise or commotion in the real world. Such interruptions were unbearably irritating; I wished I did not have to answer to the petty and mundane affairs of the real world. But as it is, the dreamer is real, and the dream is not, and reality dispels imaginings like light overcomes darkness.
Even so, I did not forget my people and the beautiful lands where I belonged. I would manage the necessary affairs of living (or at least, what I deem necessary), then return to my dream, where some quest would await me, and some trouble put me to the test.
Now, there was an ancient man who lived even to this day, and whose day of conception remains unknown. He was the most terrible interrupter of dreams I ever knew in my life; firstly, his body shone so brightly that if he walked into a dark room, the room would be illuminated as if it were day, and secondly, his footsteps had the very sound of thunder.
He used to walk past my room, where I slept and dreamt, and the light and noise would startle me. I knew that it was meant to wake me so that I would go out and follow him (to whatever place he takes people to), but I could not but feel very annoyed, and try to go back to sleep.
But one day I once again heard his thunderous footsteps, and for the first time... he walked straight into my room. The room instantly lit up, and besides the sound of thunder there was a deafening blast of wind. All of the sleep jolted from my body, I sat on my bed in speechless shock, wide-eyed, my heart pounding fast. I seriously thought I was going to die.
Yet, the closer he came, the calmer the wind, and the less thunderous his footsteps were. An invisible ghost that was in the wind whispered to me as the man drew near, saying repeatedly, "More to be seen, more to be seen..." Then as he sat down on the bed, all became still.
I could not look straight at him because he was so bright, so I sort of tried to look at him sideways, squinting. Then, to me these words he said,
"How long will you lie down, O sluggard?
When will you arise from your sleep?
'A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to rest'—
Your poverty will come in like a vagabond
And your need like an armed man."
Then he left the room.
I did not feel annoyed, as I usually did before. Instead, I felt a mixture of soberness and exhilaration. And his words cut deeply to the heart, such that I did not want to go back to sleep again. I wasn't sure what to do.
"More to be seen..." I heard the ghost say again.
And then I knew. Then I did the craziest thing ever. Immediately I leaped from my bed and charged out after the man, forsaking that room forever.
So I followed the man. And the longer I followed him, the more I could make of his countenance and features, whereas before he was so bright that I could not really see what he looked like. And it's not that he became less bright, but something was happening to my eyes that gave them a certain empowerment.
However, although I forsook the room, yet my dreams followed me. And whenever I am reminded of my dream world, I would grow tired of whatever business that the man had entrusted me to do, and doze off. When I wake up I would feel guilty of having neglected my work, but then afterwards still I indulge in my dreams.
Thus, I embarked on quests in two different worlds. It was not long before I found that the quests are of radically different natures, for in my dreams I do things for my own glory's sake, but for the man I work for his sake. The kind of satisfaction is different, too. In the dreams, satisfaction is much more easily attained, but fades rather quickly. In following the man, satisfaction is hard to gain, but persists for long.
It was also true that I could not pursue one without neglecting the other. Indulging in dreams severely affected my real work; whilst in the dreams, pain and sadness are quite bearable, but this causes the sting of real pain to surprise me and steal my enthusiasm for the work. My resistance to pain, fatigue, anxiety, sorrow, and shame are all greatly reduced, the more I continued living in my mild, self-written scripts.
Yet, I did not realize all this until the man sternly rebuked me today, saying, "The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
Oh, what a poor wretch I am, and how shameful! All this time I helped and comforted people who weren't real, while leaving the real people to their problems! A love with a false object cannot be a true love.
It is absurd, all my imagining and dreaming that I can help people this way and that, and never doing the deed, for fear that I cannot ensure my success. My hands have become too tender for work, and my heart too hardened for disappointment.
Yet the path of glory that the ancient man has for me is not all fairy tales and rainbows, but grit and failure and persistence. Oh, how I fear it, the true path of glory! It is like walking a trail of thorns and broken glass.
Forsake pride, fool! Awake from your slumber! May your eyes be more empowered to see the ancient man clearly, with holes in his hands and feet, having completed the path of glory!
The dreamer must dream no more, or he shall miss out in the perfect dream of God, the dream so divine that it comes to pass in the exact holy and wise way the Father of the ancient man dreamt it.
I desire Your glory, Lord. Don't forsake me to my own futility.
And those with the same desire, Lord, answer them. You Yourself have promised that there is more glory to be seen than is presently seen.
All glory and beauty be unto the ancient man. Amen.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
My Labyrinth
A MESSY REFLECTION
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.
I've come to a point where I find it unbelievably hard to describe my life in the present.
There are some interesting specifics that have happened these few weeks, but I'm weary of recalling them right now. I'm scared they will lead me away from an accurate expression of my actual condition.
I'm going to go freestyle for a while now, just to try to get a sense of what's in my own head. Because truly, I really cannot find out what is actually in my heart. My own heart feels like a labyrinth to myself. I navigate around, sometimes thinking I've found the core issue, but then later finding out that I'm wrong.
Let me come up with a few words that I now think more or less describe my current sentiments. Awkward. Stuck. Dispassionate. Hopeful. Confounded. Waiting. Lonely. Loveless. Afraid. Frustrated. Empty. Safe. Protected. Trapped. Cold. Anguished. Composed. Conflicting. Imploding. Exploding. Envious. Content. Guilty. Relying. Trusting. Striving. Lazing. Fine.
I'm just fine, I guess. But it's a different kind of fine than what I used to know. It's a concoction of so many things, good and bad. And the extremes are powerful. The bad is horrible, and the good is amazing.
Self-pity is a choice. It's a choice I've been making for eighteen years. It is the drug I use as a painkiller for my self-caused inability to reach out to people. Oh, poor me, whom nobody truly understands. Rubbish. The only thing about me worth pitying is that I'm a sinful wretch and a dishonest brat.
I realize that this inability in me is not truly noticed by others, even those I consider closest to me. Sure, they're probably aware of some social obstacle I have, but they do not see its severity, and my utter despair and helplessness before it.
The mystery of being transparent is opaque to me. Like I said, there are too many layers I find in myself. I deceive even myself regarding what I truly desire. And I deceive others, trying to look happy or disapproving or concerned or indifferent based on what I want to manipulate them into thinking or feeling.
And yet, is it that simple? I would very much like to tell everyone, "I don't care about people!" But I don't expect them to believe me. And to seriously think about it, I'm not sure I can absolutely pronounce that judgment upon myself either.
Oh, the mystery of living peacefully in the world yet not being of the world. I cannot solve this Rubik's Cube. It is so hard, it is so extremely difficult. I am such a giant hypocrite, a two-face, a three-face, a prismatic array of colorful illusions and lies. My desperation to cover up my own failures and weaknesses is breathlessly anxious, so cunning such that I even try to defend my own glory by admitting weaknesses when I find necessary. And I've gone so deep, that I cannot, or would not, show my true self. Indeed, truly, I confess, I don't even know who I truly am anymore.
I know that only God can tell me, and let me know my true value and the true extent of my vices. I've been praying for Him to reveal my sins to me, but so far I find that His process of doing so is still ongoing. Because my self-righteousness and pride is immense, it will take a heavy blow to wake me from my folly.
Lord, I say this in anguish and with great terror of Your positive answer to this prayer; shame me, O God, for I am proud and conceited, and am so foolishly confident in my own abilities. Bring me to shame! Break my desire for reputation and the carnal approval of men. It will hurt, and I will be faced with my worst nightmare, which is the exposure of my embarrassing self for the world to mock. And I will try to withdraw from that and still attempt to defend my own glory, but expose me, O Lord! Show me no pity in Your discipline, which is but temporary, for in doing so You will truly show me pity, and I will find you. Lord, I give my all to You; if You will not take me and mold me, I am doomed.
Oh, how confused I will be! How confounded I will be by God's providence in allowing me to be shamed. But all my life, the Lord has been teaching me one great truth, that if there is one thing in life that a person must not forsake, it is Him! There is no one of greater worth. Do I truly believe that? I wish I believed it more. And with everything my frail self can muster, I will pursue the gaining of this faith. The destruction of my fleshly desires is the glory of God, to proclaim Him worthy, because He is worthy in Himself.
Lord, guide me.
This has been a severely disorganized post.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.
I've come to a point where I find it unbelievably hard to describe my life in the present.
There are some interesting specifics that have happened these few weeks, but I'm weary of recalling them right now. I'm scared they will lead me away from an accurate expression of my actual condition.
I'm going to go freestyle for a while now, just to try to get a sense of what's in my own head. Because truly, I really cannot find out what is actually in my heart. My own heart feels like a labyrinth to myself. I navigate around, sometimes thinking I've found the core issue, but then later finding out that I'm wrong.
Let me come up with a few words that I now think more or less describe my current sentiments. Awkward. Stuck. Dispassionate. Hopeful. Confounded. Waiting. Lonely. Loveless. Afraid. Frustrated. Empty. Safe. Protected. Trapped. Cold. Anguished. Composed. Conflicting. Imploding. Exploding. Envious. Content. Guilty. Relying. Trusting. Striving. Lazing. Fine.
I'm just fine, I guess. But it's a different kind of fine than what I used to know. It's a concoction of so many things, good and bad. And the extremes are powerful. The bad is horrible, and the good is amazing.
Self-pity is a choice. It's a choice I've been making for eighteen years. It is the drug I use as a painkiller for my self-caused inability to reach out to people. Oh, poor me, whom nobody truly understands. Rubbish. The only thing about me worth pitying is that I'm a sinful wretch and a dishonest brat.
I realize that this inability in me is not truly noticed by others, even those I consider closest to me. Sure, they're probably aware of some social obstacle I have, but they do not see its severity, and my utter despair and helplessness before it.
The mystery of being transparent is opaque to me. Like I said, there are too many layers I find in myself. I deceive even myself regarding what I truly desire. And I deceive others, trying to look happy or disapproving or concerned or indifferent based on what I want to manipulate them into thinking or feeling.
And yet, is it that simple? I would very much like to tell everyone, "I don't care about people!" But I don't expect them to believe me. And to seriously think about it, I'm not sure I can absolutely pronounce that judgment upon myself either.
Oh, the mystery of living peacefully in the world yet not being of the world. I cannot solve this Rubik's Cube. It is so hard, it is so extremely difficult. I am such a giant hypocrite, a two-face, a three-face, a prismatic array of colorful illusions and lies. My desperation to cover up my own failures and weaknesses is breathlessly anxious, so cunning such that I even try to defend my own glory by admitting weaknesses when I find necessary. And I've gone so deep, that I cannot, or would not, show my true self. Indeed, truly, I confess, I don't even know who I truly am anymore.
I know that only God can tell me, and let me know my true value and the true extent of my vices. I've been praying for Him to reveal my sins to me, but so far I find that His process of doing so is still ongoing. Because my self-righteousness and pride is immense, it will take a heavy blow to wake me from my folly.
Lord, I say this in anguish and with great terror of Your positive answer to this prayer; shame me, O God, for I am proud and conceited, and am so foolishly confident in my own abilities. Bring me to shame! Break my desire for reputation and the carnal approval of men. It will hurt, and I will be faced with my worst nightmare, which is the exposure of my embarrassing self for the world to mock. And I will try to withdraw from that and still attempt to defend my own glory, but expose me, O Lord! Show me no pity in Your discipline, which is but temporary, for in doing so You will truly show me pity, and I will find you. Lord, I give my all to You; if You will not take me and mold me, I am doomed.
Oh, how confused I will be! How confounded I will be by God's providence in allowing me to be shamed. But all my life, the Lord has been teaching me one great truth, that if there is one thing in life that a person must not forsake, it is Him! There is no one of greater worth. Do I truly believe that? I wish I believed it more. And with everything my frail self can muster, I will pursue the gaining of this faith. The destruction of my fleshly desires is the glory of God, to proclaim Him worthy, because He is worthy in Himself.
Lord, guide me.
This has been a severely disorganized post.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Concerning Love; Concerning Imagination
What follows are my thoughts on two topics. Note the lack of Scripture references, thus anyone who reads it is advised to discernment. I confess, however, that it was my intention to put the issues as Biblically as possible, according to my extremely limited knowledge of the Bible's system of truth.
* * * * *
MEDITATIONS ON LOVE AND FORGIVENESS
These are thoughts I had particularly after reading the Bible books of Exodus, Leviticus, Mark, and Luke, R.C. Sproul's God's Love, and Jonathan Edwards's A Treatise Concerning Religious Affections, and after listening to Paul Washer's sermon excerpt titled by the video uploader as "Your Weakness Should Drive You to Christ".
An excellent test for examining how much we hold onto God's promises of justification in Christ is how much we love people, especially our enemies.
By "love", I do not primarily mean a warm, fond feeling that we have because we like some people for who they are. In the Bible, love is used as a verb so many times more than it is used as a noun.
I mean love as a visible graciousness to everyone regardless of what we felt about them, knowing the profound fact that we were also enemies in God's eyes when He saved us in Christ.
Thus, if we find our hearts unwilling to give up on all of our own dignities and benefits for the sake of others, it means we have yet to hold on to God's forgiveness even more, because evidently there is some disbelief that God has forgiven us.
The problem that keeps us from understanding forgiveness is twofold:
1) We do not understand the Law. (antinomianism)
In other words, we do not truly know and feel our sins to be heinous toward God, because we do not really believe that God's standard is that high. Thus, we don't deeply understand the need for forgiveness and don't run to Christ.
2) We do not understand grace. (legalism)
We don't believe that God is merciful enough to forgive sins that are that great. This is because we think that God is like us, sinfully vengeful. We express this ignorance in two ways: we try to earn God's forgiveness, or we find ways to deny and hide that our sins are so great.
This realization has only become so clear to me recently. It is at once a high standard and a door of mercy. It is a high standard because it's hard to love selflessly. But it is a door of mercy because now I know I don't understand God's justification deeply enough, and I can pursue it.
The remedy to the problem, obviously, is to learn of God's Law and His grace. The ways are various, but Scripture is exceptionally effective in teaching us both. And, perceiving our lack of love should constantly drive us to Christ, praying to the Father; otherwise, we may become self-satisfied with our disproportionate works that appear godly and forget this wonderful thing of God, which is salvation.
* * * * *
MEDITATIONS ON IMAGINATION
This was a seriously bothersome issue in my life, and I wanted it fixed. I misuse my imagination so badly I needed to sit down and write about how to deal with it.
The definition, for the purpose of this exercise, will be "the mental activity in which a person visualizes scenarios and material things that are not empirically perceived in that moment."
God's purpose:
- Closely related to the human quality of creativity, imagination seems to belong to the conception stage of the creative process. Thus, imagination glorifies God as a part of human creativity.
- Imagination is a response to the hidden mysteries of God; imagination is possible because there are things that are not revealed to us. Imagination expresses our wonder and desires, probing into the possibilities of what God has in store, based on what we already know. If we know everything there is to know about everything (which God does), imagination would be impossible, because there would be no reasoning process. God gladly uses our imagination for worship (types, foreshadows, parables, images).
Problems after the Fall:
- Plotting sin.
- Twisted and blasphemous visualizations of God.
- Addiction to indulging in fantasies, which in essence expresses dissatisfaction with the reality God gives to us.
While still in this fallen world, it is good to:
- Envision, to the utmost of our Biblical knowledge, the life and glory of heaven.
- Abstain from any imaginings that do not point to the Celestial City, and that settle comfortably in itself or in this temporal age.
* * * * *
MEDITATIONS ON LOVE AND FORGIVENESS
These are thoughts I had particularly after reading the Bible books of Exodus, Leviticus, Mark, and Luke, R.C. Sproul's God's Love, and Jonathan Edwards's A Treatise Concerning Religious Affections, and after listening to Paul Washer's sermon excerpt titled by the video uploader as "Your Weakness Should Drive You to Christ".
An excellent test for examining how much we hold onto God's promises of justification in Christ is how much we love people, especially our enemies.
By "love", I do not primarily mean a warm, fond feeling that we have because we like some people for who they are. In the Bible, love is used as a verb so many times more than it is used as a noun.
I mean love as a visible graciousness to everyone regardless of what we felt about them, knowing the profound fact that we were also enemies in God's eyes when He saved us in Christ.
Thus, if we find our hearts unwilling to give up on all of our own dignities and benefits for the sake of others, it means we have yet to hold on to God's forgiveness even more, because evidently there is some disbelief that God has forgiven us.
The problem that keeps us from understanding forgiveness is twofold:
1) We do not understand the Law. (antinomianism)
In other words, we do not truly know and feel our sins to be heinous toward God, because we do not really believe that God's standard is that high. Thus, we don't deeply understand the need for forgiveness and don't run to Christ.
2) We do not understand grace. (legalism)
We don't believe that God is merciful enough to forgive sins that are that great. This is because we think that God is like us, sinfully vengeful. We express this ignorance in two ways: we try to earn God's forgiveness, or we find ways to deny and hide that our sins are so great.
This realization has only become so clear to me recently. It is at once a high standard and a door of mercy. It is a high standard because it's hard to love selflessly. But it is a door of mercy because now I know I don't understand God's justification deeply enough, and I can pursue it.
The remedy to the problem, obviously, is to learn of God's Law and His grace. The ways are various, but Scripture is exceptionally effective in teaching us both. And, perceiving our lack of love should constantly drive us to Christ, praying to the Father; otherwise, we may become self-satisfied with our disproportionate works that appear godly and forget this wonderful thing of God, which is salvation.
* * * * *
MEDITATIONS ON IMAGINATION
This was a seriously bothersome issue in my life, and I wanted it fixed. I misuse my imagination so badly I needed to sit down and write about how to deal with it.
The definition, for the purpose of this exercise, will be "the mental activity in which a person visualizes scenarios and material things that are not empirically perceived in that moment."
God's purpose:
- Closely related to the human quality of creativity, imagination seems to belong to the conception stage of the creative process. Thus, imagination glorifies God as a part of human creativity.
- Imagination is a response to the hidden mysteries of God; imagination is possible because there are things that are not revealed to us. Imagination expresses our wonder and desires, probing into the possibilities of what God has in store, based on what we already know. If we know everything there is to know about everything (which God does), imagination would be impossible, because there would be no reasoning process. God gladly uses our imagination for worship (types, foreshadows, parables, images).
Problems after the Fall:
- Plotting sin.
- Twisted and blasphemous visualizations of God.
- Addiction to indulging in fantasies, which in essence expresses dissatisfaction with the reality God gives to us.
While still in this fallen world, it is good to:
- Envision, to the utmost of our Biblical knowledge, the life and glory of heaven.
- Abstain from any imaginings that do not point to the Celestial City, and that settle comfortably in itself or in this temporal age.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Happy Anniversary; Fighting Pride
A YEAR OF BLOGGING GRACE
I read through all of my blog posts to collect material for a special post here, to sum up the most important things I've learned and written in this blog since a year ago.
It was exhilarating, seeing the past year unfold before my eyes again. Some posts captured the lostness and despair that I seem to have forgotten by now, and revisiting those emotions makes me grateful and happy about today.
Also, I saw in those posts, despite the brokenness, a sense of God's closeness to me during those harder times. My words were somewhat theologically clumsy and imprecise, but saturated with passion. You could see in my words that God was teaching me gently and patiently. God was holding the hand of a toddler. The toddler was stupid and rebellious, but he also loved and needed his Father, and his Father made sure he grew. That's grace.
As is the theme of Deuteronomy, we must remember the salvation of the Lord. Here are some of the things I believe God has taught me.
Proceed with caution, however; indeed, in these posts I have attempted to organize what I understood of God's Word, but I sense that there is a fair chance my own sinful thoughts and even "style" pervaded these posts. Like a Berean, check everything against God's Word. It is in the Word of God we ought to immerse ourselves, not in the rhetoric of men.
- We tell stories because of the beauty of all the little bits and pieces coming together to form something meaningful. Each part of a story matters, and thus, is meaningful. We find beauty in purpose.
- Anyone can wrestle down his guilt by changing his actions and making himself feel as if he were actually righteous deep inside. You just have to be proud enough to think that you're not actually evil.
- What is it about video games that draw me? Well, there's that point I've thought about before, which is that I am drawn to the gaming world because God isn't there. He does not control my destiny. I control my destiny. I can become powerful all on my own.
- My only hope for sanctification, the Word of God.
- If God is the God who created the universe, then how great it is to know that He is our Redeemer. Whoever He sets out to save, He will not fail in saving.
- And also thanks to the work of other saints, I was taught how to find Christ from the very beginning of the Bible's books and onwards. At some point, I found out what it meant for me; it meant that in the things that typify Christ, all the great, glorious qualities are God's. And I can understand them.
- To be great is not my burden to carry. It's God's. I must rid myself of the notion that the people around me need me. Nay, even the Word of God declares that "...God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham." (Matthew 3:9). He shall succeed, and I shall simply find for myself a good seat to admire His success.
- And because of this faithlessness, I actually consider the idea that I can be well-prepared enough to cause every single person around me to accept God. But that's not the case. This is not in my hands.
- And I realized that there are some things that God brings into your life simply to teach you to let it go. And so you must.
- The one who is more godly is not the one who needs less struggle against sin than the ungodly; he is the one who struggles the hardest and acts most radically.
- God wants us to ask from Him so that when we receive His blessing, we know that it's from Him.
- In my striving to grow in my knowledge of God, I strive to grow in love.
- Every sin is an acceptance of deception. And every sin includes this lie: that life can be beautiful without God.
- In all I do, I sin, even in my good works, my prayers, my service in the church. And the only reason God accepts us and our service is simply because we are in Christ, and our "sacrifices" are made clean. I have nothing to boast of myself, but only have the right to boast of Christ.
- His death is even more bewildering than His arrival. Again, why? Why would You die for us? The answer ought to break our hearts into a thousand pieces. In His agony, His bitter passion, His humiliation, He seeks to say to His chosen people: "I love you."
- It is exhilarating to remind myself that the fulfillment of the kingdom of heaven is very real, and that I will see it one day. It is not a fantasy or a dreamlike thing, it will be as real as can be. The remnants of sin in our lives will be gone, and the richness of God will be made known to us in a way that we cannot possibly now imagine. We will be surprised and awed. There's no way you can prepare or expect what's coming. It will be beauty beyond belief.
- Away with my stupid little feelings! Away with trying to be someone in this world! I was nothing until God formed me, and my identity remains tied to Him!
- How I wish we would stop counting on ourselves and find peace in the truth that You know and control all things. It is always painful to count on ourselves. Always.
- And we lose more and more of our humanness, our image-of-God-ness, as we give way to temptation.
- These happen so that I hold on to His Word and prayer with an even greater measure of faith than I did before. Discovering sins, relational conflicts, hard-to-discern situations, all point to my need of God's guidance, personally and providentially.
- And so the reality is actually this; it's not that I wouldn't forsake God, because of some noble quality that I have within me, but simply that He wouldn't let go. I kept failing, but He kept coming back. Hosea redeemed his adulterous wife.
- To do right in His eyes is enough. Soli deo gloria.
- Now I think I know why in the 1 Corinthians 13 description of love, it is first characterized as patient. Because while the lies of the world are sweet and mushy and agreeable, God's love is shown in its uncompromising persistence. We feel repulsed by His high, holy character at first, because it denies so much of us; but as the pretty, temporal things of the world fade away, He remains, and you realize He was always there.
- And what is more right than to uphold the most Righteous?
- You still have sin, and are accepted in Christ.
- God means to save you from sin in all that occur.
- There is still much to learn.
- You are only required to think for God's kingdom.
- Rewards await those who strive, including the reward of striving.
- A realization to counteract pride is knowing that everything, absolutely everything in a Christian's life is a received blessing.
- There are a lot of secular intellectuals in the world, and they are still fools for not being obedient. And there are many quiet, humble Christians who are not very brilliant but are exceedingly wise to follow the Lord.
- In all things, never doubt that God is good and in control.
- Of course life would seem like a mess without God, without Christ. Life would just be a really bad joke, an awkward existence. It would be a terrible experience, to think that you're born into the world against your will and pulled out of it against your will, and not understanding why.
- But the error of trying not to think about the rewards is that we try to produce our own motivation. And it never works. How futile it is to try to separate God from His works and blessings.
- We're not merely meant to be anti-pride or anti-sloth. We're meant to be pro-God.
- God has written the greatest story of all time: history.
- How wonderful it is to forget all the cares of the world for a moment and realize that, in a way, everything's already perfect, locked in position for the immense glorification of the Lord, including my imperfect self.
- We humans can be so afraid of being wrong that, even when we make an initial wrong decision, we stand by it in order to somehow prove, by certain results, that we made the right decision after all. But living under sovereign justice, we simply can't expect to avoid reaping what we sow.
- We all, at one point or another, deeply desire for someone to look into our eyes with understanding, hold us, and assure us that we are acceptable. And yet, all along, there was this Christ, who looked upon me with more understanding about me than I'd like Him to have, saw all that I truly was, how completely unacceptable I am, and said to me, "I do not condemn you. Sin no more."
- Such intense psychological suffering was God's molding of me, I realize. I always thought that if I'm good enough, God will use me. But now I know that isn't true. He loves me more than that; His using of me is also His molding of me.
- It was an article that first brought to my attention how I ignored the relationship between the practical and the beautiful, for what is considered practical is founded on what is beautiful.
- Of course I will love my brothers and sisters in Christ more than I love those whom I can't identify as saints. And by doing so, I will learn to love the unbelievers more, too.
- I used to be afraid that I won't be able to make films, or get married, or grow old, because I was concerned that eternal life was void of these things. Now I understand that these ideas are idolatrous, because these things in life should do nothing more than point to the better things in store for us in eternity.
- It only takes a boy to do what he wants to do, but a man to do what he needs to do.
- The work of the Holy Spirit is humble and invisible. It is gentle and comforting. He does not mean to cause me pain, but seeks to bring me joy, and grieves in my stead. He teaches me lessons that ensure I understand. In the lineup of the economic Trinity, He appears to be the manifestation of the quiet and vulnerable.
- Patience, my dear. Try to read the Bible, and don't lose hope in it. Try to pray, and don't lose hope in it. Don't lose hope the next time you mess up. Try harder. Sit down, and write down to yourself what you can do about it, and what to thank God for taking care of on your behalf.
- Therefore, God's love is a furious love, which does not fail to repay anyone who wrongs His object of love. God's wrath is a selfless wrath, eager to defend those who are worthy and glorious and beautiful. They do not contradict, and instead go hand in hand.
- The person of Christ is what everything is leading up to. When we talk about the glory of God, He is it.
- What do I have to think about that I have to think independently of God?
- Sinful men despise not only God's curses, but His blessings also. A great folly, this is.
-----
A TIME TO KEEP SILENCE, AND A TIME TO SPEAK
I've always wanted an audience.
It's a temptation common to both artists and preachers. And I've been working hard to be both.
In doing so, I've given room for my most elusive vice to sabotage my communion with God: pride.
I've been seeking to find the root of my problems, and it seems that the vice of pride is one of the best perspectives from which to view my sin. I feel as if my mind is split in two, one for me and one for the world to see. Not to say that everybody should just spout their private stuff, but the motive is the issue.
Sadly, the worst thing is that I don't even notice how much I tend to try to steal God's glory until I see it in retrospect. And even in retrospect, many times I try to ignore it.
I believe this is another season for me to learn how to live for the eyes of God, and not for the eyes of men. Once it was the scorn of others that drove me to give up on how people saw me. But now I feel so loved, it is desire for coming before God with a pure heart that motivates me. I simply cannot rejoice in God's presence while I have a secret accumulation of my own glories. This has got to stop.
I will continue to write, but not here. I'd like to put away the distraction of writing publicly for some time. God is teaching me to be content with being silent, and watching Him work His sometimes weird wonders.
Because that is my primary means of serving Him: worship. Worship comes from beholding. The rest of my service would be seriously stained if my worship is impure.
I will return to my blog when I find it appropriate. I think I would at least stop writing for a month. I hope that if I return, it will be for an irresistible desire to proclaim God's glory, the glory I hope I will find in the following weeks.
I read through all of my blog posts to collect material for a special post here, to sum up the most important things I've learned and written in this blog since a year ago.
It was exhilarating, seeing the past year unfold before my eyes again. Some posts captured the lostness and despair that I seem to have forgotten by now, and revisiting those emotions makes me grateful and happy about today.
Also, I saw in those posts, despite the brokenness, a sense of God's closeness to me during those harder times. My words were somewhat theologically clumsy and imprecise, but saturated with passion. You could see in my words that God was teaching me gently and patiently. God was holding the hand of a toddler. The toddler was stupid and rebellious, but he also loved and needed his Father, and his Father made sure he grew. That's grace.
As is the theme of Deuteronomy, we must remember the salvation of the Lord. Here are some of the things I believe God has taught me.
Proceed with caution, however; indeed, in these posts I have attempted to organize what I understood of God's Word, but I sense that there is a fair chance my own sinful thoughts and even "style" pervaded these posts. Like a Berean, check everything against God's Word. It is in the Word of God we ought to immerse ourselves, not in the rhetoric of men.
- We tell stories because of the beauty of all the little bits and pieces coming together to form something meaningful. Each part of a story matters, and thus, is meaningful. We find beauty in purpose.
- Anyone can wrestle down his guilt by changing his actions and making himself feel as if he were actually righteous deep inside. You just have to be proud enough to think that you're not actually evil.
- What is it about video games that draw me? Well, there's that point I've thought about before, which is that I am drawn to the gaming world because God isn't there. He does not control my destiny. I control my destiny. I can become powerful all on my own.
- My only hope for sanctification, the Word of God.
- If God is the God who created the universe, then how great it is to know that He is our Redeemer. Whoever He sets out to save, He will not fail in saving.
- And also thanks to the work of other saints, I was taught how to find Christ from the very beginning of the Bible's books and onwards. At some point, I found out what it meant for me; it meant that in the things that typify Christ, all the great, glorious qualities are God's. And I can understand them.
- To be great is not my burden to carry. It's God's. I must rid myself of the notion that the people around me need me. Nay, even the Word of God declares that "...God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham." (Matthew 3:9). He shall succeed, and I shall simply find for myself a good seat to admire His success.
- And because of this faithlessness, I actually consider the idea that I can be well-prepared enough to cause every single person around me to accept God. But that's not the case. This is not in my hands.
- And I realized that there are some things that God brings into your life simply to teach you to let it go. And so you must.
- The one who is more godly is not the one who needs less struggle against sin than the ungodly; he is the one who struggles the hardest and acts most radically.
- God wants us to ask from Him so that when we receive His blessing, we know that it's from Him.
- In my striving to grow in my knowledge of God, I strive to grow in love.
- Every sin is an acceptance of deception. And every sin includes this lie: that life can be beautiful without God.
- In all I do, I sin, even in my good works, my prayers, my service in the church. And the only reason God accepts us and our service is simply because we are in Christ, and our "sacrifices" are made clean. I have nothing to boast of myself, but only have the right to boast of Christ.
- His death is even more bewildering than His arrival. Again, why? Why would You die for us? The answer ought to break our hearts into a thousand pieces. In His agony, His bitter passion, His humiliation, He seeks to say to His chosen people: "I love you."
- It is exhilarating to remind myself that the fulfillment of the kingdom of heaven is very real, and that I will see it one day. It is not a fantasy or a dreamlike thing, it will be as real as can be. The remnants of sin in our lives will be gone, and the richness of God will be made known to us in a way that we cannot possibly now imagine. We will be surprised and awed. There's no way you can prepare or expect what's coming. It will be beauty beyond belief.
- Away with my stupid little feelings! Away with trying to be someone in this world! I was nothing until God formed me, and my identity remains tied to Him!
- How I wish we would stop counting on ourselves and find peace in the truth that You know and control all things. It is always painful to count on ourselves. Always.
- And we lose more and more of our humanness, our image-of-God-ness, as we give way to temptation.
- These happen so that I hold on to His Word and prayer with an even greater measure of faith than I did before. Discovering sins, relational conflicts, hard-to-discern situations, all point to my need of God's guidance, personally and providentially.
- And so the reality is actually this; it's not that I wouldn't forsake God, because of some noble quality that I have within me, but simply that He wouldn't let go. I kept failing, but He kept coming back. Hosea redeemed his adulterous wife.
- To do right in His eyes is enough. Soli deo gloria.
- Now I think I know why in the 1 Corinthians 13 description of love, it is first characterized as patient. Because while the lies of the world are sweet and mushy and agreeable, God's love is shown in its uncompromising persistence. We feel repulsed by His high, holy character at first, because it denies so much of us; but as the pretty, temporal things of the world fade away, He remains, and you realize He was always there.
- And what is more right than to uphold the most Righteous?
- You still have sin, and are accepted in Christ.
- God means to save you from sin in all that occur.
- There is still much to learn.
- You are only required to think for God's kingdom.
- Rewards await those who strive, including the reward of striving.
- A realization to counteract pride is knowing that everything, absolutely everything in a Christian's life is a received blessing.
- There are a lot of secular intellectuals in the world, and they are still fools for not being obedient. And there are many quiet, humble Christians who are not very brilliant but are exceedingly wise to follow the Lord.
- In all things, never doubt that God is good and in control.
- Of course life would seem like a mess without God, without Christ. Life would just be a really bad joke, an awkward existence. It would be a terrible experience, to think that you're born into the world against your will and pulled out of it against your will, and not understanding why.
- But the error of trying not to think about the rewards is that we try to produce our own motivation. And it never works. How futile it is to try to separate God from His works and blessings.
- We're not merely meant to be anti-pride or anti-sloth. We're meant to be pro-God.
- God has written the greatest story of all time: history.
- How wonderful it is to forget all the cares of the world for a moment and realize that, in a way, everything's already perfect, locked in position for the immense glorification of the Lord, including my imperfect self.
- We humans can be so afraid of being wrong that, even when we make an initial wrong decision, we stand by it in order to somehow prove, by certain results, that we made the right decision after all. But living under sovereign justice, we simply can't expect to avoid reaping what we sow.
- We all, at one point or another, deeply desire for someone to look into our eyes with understanding, hold us, and assure us that we are acceptable. And yet, all along, there was this Christ, who looked upon me with more understanding about me than I'd like Him to have, saw all that I truly was, how completely unacceptable I am, and said to me, "I do not condemn you. Sin no more."
- Such intense psychological suffering was God's molding of me, I realize. I always thought that if I'm good enough, God will use me. But now I know that isn't true. He loves me more than that; His using of me is also His molding of me.
- It was an article that first brought to my attention how I ignored the relationship between the practical and the beautiful, for what is considered practical is founded on what is beautiful.
- Of course I will love my brothers and sisters in Christ more than I love those whom I can't identify as saints. And by doing so, I will learn to love the unbelievers more, too.
- I used to be afraid that I won't be able to make films, or get married, or grow old, because I was concerned that eternal life was void of these things. Now I understand that these ideas are idolatrous, because these things in life should do nothing more than point to the better things in store for us in eternity.
- It only takes a boy to do what he wants to do, but a man to do what he needs to do.
- The work of the Holy Spirit is humble and invisible. It is gentle and comforting. He does not mean to cause me pain, but seeks to bring me joy, and grieves in my stead. He teaches me lessons that ensure I understand. In the lineup of the economic Trinity, He appears to be the manifestation of the quiet and vulnerable.
- Patience, my dear. Try to read the Bible, and don't lose hope in it. Try to pray, and don't lose hope in it. Don't lose hope the next time you mess up. Try harder. Sit down, and write down to yourself what you can do about it, and what to thank God for taking care of on your behalf.
- Therefore, God's love is a furious love, which does not fail to repay anyone who wrongs His object of love. God's wrath is a selfless wrath, eager to defend those who are worthy and glorious and beautiful. They do not contradict, and instead go hand in hand.
- The person of Christ is what everything is leading up to. When we talk about the glory of God, He is it.
- What do I have to think about that I have to think independently of God?
- Sinful men despise not only God's curses, but His blessings also. A great folly, this is.
-----
A TIME TO KEEP SILENCE, AND A TIME TO SPEAK
I've always wanted an audience.
It's a temptation common to both artists and preachers. And I've been working hard to be both.
In doing so, I've given room for my most elusive vice to sabotage my communion with God: pride.
I've been seeking to find the root of my problems, and it seems that the vice of pride is one of the best perspectives from which to view my sin. I feel as if my mind is split in two, one for me and one for the world to see. Not to say that everybody should just spout their private stuff, but the motive is the issue.
Sadly, the worst thing is that I don't even notice how much I tend to try to steal God's glory until I see it in retrospect. And even in retrospect, many times I try to ignore it.
I believe this is another season for me to learn how to live for the eyes of God, and not for the eyes of men. Once it was the scorn of others that drove me to give up on how people saw me. But now I feel so loved, it is desire for coming before God with a pure heart that motivates me. I simply cannot rejoice in God's presence while I have a secret accumulation of my own glories. This has got to stop.
I will continue to write, but not here. I'd like to put away the distraction of writing publicly for some time. God is teaching me to be content with being silent, and watching Him work His sometimes weird wonders.
Because that is my primary means of serving Him: worship. Worship comes from beholding. The rest of my service would be seriously stained if my worship is impure.
I will return to my blog when I find it appropriate. I think I would at least stop writing for a month. I hope that if I return, it will be for an irresistible desire to proclaim God's glory, the glory I hope I will find in the following weeks.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
As The Dust Settles
RECENT CONDITIONS
The haze blankets the Klang Valley, and I feel like I'm breathing death as I write.
Every morning the sun rises and it is quickly rid of. Every nightfall it slowly seeps back into the city.
Everything is shrouded in mystery. You don't know what's ahead of you, what to expect. And we huddle up to prepare for what lies beyond the veil of smoke. We gather and fortify ourselves, a little more each time we assemble. For we understand that after the dust settles, trials are coming our way. Serious tribulation.
Nearly a quarter of the year has passed. Yikes. Tick, tock, tick, tock.
In the wake of four Sunday school teachers deciding to leave the church, a transitional period took place. The implications were clear; there was a significant shift of influence in church politics, however inappropriate that sounds. Strike the shepherd, scatter the sheep.
But despite the withdrawal, the true Shepherd is still present to unite His sheep. "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20).
The brethren in KPC are meeting and having fellowship regularly, the brothers especially. It's good to start with the men. Around five or six of us are setting our eyes on the long run and beating our bodies into submission, taking up the discipline of reading Scripture and other material according to a certain schedule, so that we may be equipped and "prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you" (1 Peter 3:15), and also that we may "do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience" (1 Peter 3:16).
Tensions relax temporarily as Agape is taken by new advisers. But a quick buildup of tension is probable sometime soon, as the two fellowships have already been rather purged of members who cannot stand boring theological material, and there is prone to be incentives to restore them to their "former glory", especially in numbers; there will likely be attempts to achieve this through the remaining members, who currently seem too sober, for many reasons, to try to gain new members. We shall see as the meetings take place, I suppose.
Things have settled, also, for four of the young men. There was much uncertainty at first, but now it seems that they have come to terms with an acceptable compromise, switching to the English department, where teacher Chun Chung, who is arguably KPC's finest teacher as of this moment, is fighting his battle.
The young ladies in KPC do not seem to be doing well, generally. I have scarce information regarding them also. But no worries, for God is on the throne.
My personal transitional period has come to an end. I went to the Bandar Puteri church two days ago, the church where we said we would be settling for good (unless, of course, something of the same nature with what drove us there happens there). As I stepped into the church, my heart lifted in joy, for I knew that this would be where I would serve, where I would treat as home. At CDPC, I knew I wasn't there to stay for long, so there was no sentiment of the sort.
And I've completed my home school curriculum (at least, up to the grade where I planned to stop). I was a bit lost after that about what to do, but now I've come up with loads of things to do. The next two months for me is practically a theological seminary, with a bit of high school studies to prepare for my SAT. And it's funny how fixed my schedule is, compared to when I was actually studying a formal curriculum.
And on an even more personal note, I've come to accept certain resolutions to my ambitions and desires.
Firstly, it is confirmed that I will study history, unless anything suddenly convinces me to change my mind. It seemed so odd, so unorthodox to me at first that even I was a bit hesitant when it came to telling people about it. Not that studying history is unconventional, but studying it in preparation for making films is. Nobody plans this stuff up. But the idea of God being the ultimate storyteller stuck with me, and I realized, "Heck, I'm an artist. I shouldn't be afraid of being unconventional." And the more I look into it, the more I see how the two subjects go hand in hand.
Also, I've temporarily dropped my worries about how I'm going to start working as a filmmaker. There's simply no way to know, at this point. And it's a bit too far ahead of me for me to make a decision now. Sure, I'm assessing my options, but for now I can relax and study movies and aesthetics until the time is right. It is all in God's hands. Who knows, He might suddenly rid me of my lifelong dream and call me to full-time ministry.
Lastly, I've laid down my cares about marriage. I know it's stupid for a mere eighteen-year-old to worry about, but I really did worry about how courtship and stuff were supposed to work out, how exactly I should know if I am ready, and if a filmmaker would ever find a willing mate. To hell with those thoughts. But, easier said than done, which was why I took the time to meditate on what Scripture thinks of the topic, and listed down several important concepts. Now I feel remarkably at peace about it. Simply because I know I'm far from ready.
I've been learning tons of things in the past few days and weeks, probably much more than I can recall off the top of my head. God's grace is abundant.
Pastor Sam prophesied rightly; times like these really do drive you to mature very quickly, to become independent. The time has come to take what we've learned and hold fast to them. The comfort zone is no more; it's time to strive for adulthood.
Good night. Until the dawn breaks.
The haze blankets the Klang Valley, and I feel like I'm breathing death as I write.
Every morning the sun rises and it is quickly rid of. Every nightfall it slowly seeps back into the city.
Everything is shrouded in mystery. You don't know what's ahead of you, what to expect. And we huddle up to prepare for what lies beyond the veil of smoke. We gather and fortify ourselves, a little more each time we assemble. For we understand that after the dust settles, trials are coming our way. Serious tribulation.
Nearly a quarter of the year has passed. Yikes. Tick, tock, tick, tock.
In the wake of four Sunday school teachers deciding to leave the church, a transitional period took place. The implications were clear; there was a significant shift of influence in church politics, however inappropriate that sounds. Strike the shepherd, scatter the sheep.
But despite the withdrawal, the true Shepherd is still present to unite His sheep. "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20).
The brethren in KPC are meeting and having fellowship regularly, the brothers especially. It's good to start with the men. Around five or six of us are setting our eyes on the long run and beating our bodies into submission, taking up the discipline of reading Scripture and other material according to a certain schedule, so that we may be equipped and "prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you" (1 Peter 3:15), and also that we may "do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience" (1 Peter 3:16).
Tensions relax temporarily as Agape is taken by new advisers. But a quick buildup of tension is probable sometime soon, as the two fellowships have already been rather purged of members who cannot stand boring theological material, and there is prone to be incentives to restore them to their "former glory", especially in numbers; there will likely be attempts to achieve this through the remaining members, who currently seem too sober, for many reasons, to try to gain new members. We shall see as the meetings take place, I suppose.
Things have settled, also, for four of the young men. There was much uncertainty at first, but now it seems that they have come to terms with an acceptable compromise, switching to the English department, where teacher Chun Chung, who is arguably KPC's finest teacher as of this moment, is fighting his battle.
The young ladies in KPC do not seem to be doing well, generally. I have scarce information regarding them also. But no worries, for God is on the throne.
My personal transitional period has come to an end. I went to the Bandar Puteri church two days ago, the church where we said we would be settling for good (unless, of course, something of the same nature with what drove us there happens there). As I stepped into the church, my heart lifted in joy, for I knew that this would be where I would serve, where I would treat as home. At CDPC, I knew I wasn't there to stay for long, so there was no sentiment of the sort.
And I've completed my home school curriculum (at least, up to the grade where I planned to stop). I was a bit lost after that about what to do, but now I've come up with loads of things to do. The next two months for me is practically a theological seminary, with a bit of high school studies to prepare for my SAT. And it's funny how fixed my schedule is, compared to when I was actually studying a formal curriculum.
And on an even more personal note, I've come to accept certain resolutions to my ambitions and desires.
Firstly, it is confirmed that I will study history, unless anything suddenly convinces me to change my mind. It seemed so odd, so unorthodox to me at first that even I was a bit hesitant when it came to telling people about it. Not that studying history is unconventional, but studying it in preparation for making films is. Nobody plans this stuff up. But the idea of God being the ultimate storyteller stuck with me, and I realized, "Heck, I'm an artist. I shouldn't be afraid of being unconventional." And the more I look into it, the more I see how the two subjects go hand in hand.
Also, I've temporarily dropped my worries about how I'm going to start working as a filmmaker. There's simply no way to know, at this point. And it's a bit too far ahead of me for me to make a decision now. Sure, I'm assessing my options, but for now I can relax and study movies and aesthetics until the time is right. It is all in God's hands. Who knows, He might suddenly rid me of my lifelong dream and call me to full-time ministry.
Lastly, I've laid down my cares about marriage. I know it's stupid for a mere eighteen-year-old to worry about, but I really did worry about how courtship and stuff were supposed to work out, how exactly I should know if I am ready, and if a filmmaker would ever find a willing mate. To hell with those thoughts. But, easier said than done, which was why I took the time to meditate on what Scripture thinks of the topic, and listed down several important concepts. Now I feel remarkably at peace about it. Simply because I know I'm far from ready.
I've been learning tons of things in the past few days and weeks, probably much more than I can recall off the top of my head. God's grace is abundant.
Pastor Sam prophesied rightly; times like these really do drive you to mature very quickly, to become independent. The time has come to take what we've learned and hold fast to them. The comfort zone is no more; it's time to strive for adulthood.
Good night. Until the dawn breaks.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
And Anytime I Don't Know
UNTITLED
I cast all my cares upon You,
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet.
And anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon You.
I cast all my cares upon You,
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet.
And anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon You.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
That Day
SOLILOQUY OF A WEAK BELIEVER
"You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day."
(Deuteronomy 5:15)
I had tried to write this poem more than a year ago, during one of my darker times, though I did not complete it. I intended for it to be a song at first, but I couldn't really come up with a melody, and thus the cadence in the first few stanzas are really weird. Take it as a kind of amateur free verse, I suppose.
This was what I jotted down a year ago when I decided to write the poem: "I feel numb toward my sin. How can this be?
"For some reason, the course of action I intend to take is to write a song. I am so frustrated and weary, I want to remind myself why I want to pursue God in the first place. I could've forsaken Him anytime during these two years.
"Yet I didn't. And I will not. I need to know why."
The words of the poem crystallize for my the memories of utter hopelessness I had in the early times of my faith. Looking back, those moments have finally turned from bitter to sweet.
I just revised it, and I finally completed it:
Soliloquy of a Weak Believer (That Day)
How did I ever get here?
The folly of two masters.
Reminiscence of devotion that has seemed to lose its luster.
But did it once shine bright?
How did I ever get here?
A vivid memory of newfound love and fear...
Oh, gracious Lord, please help me,
"You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day."
(Deuteronomy 5:15)
I had tried to write this poem more than a year ago, during one of my darker times, though I did not complete it. I intended for it to be a song at first, but I couldn't really come up with a melody, and thus the cadence in the first few stanzas are really weird. Take it as a kind of amateur free verse, I suppose.
This was what I jotted down a year ago when I decided to write the poem: "I feel numb toward my sin. How can this be?
"For some reason, the course of action I intend to take is to write a song. I am so frustrated and weary, I want to remind myself why I want to pursue God in the first place. I could've forsaken Him anytime during these two years.
"Yet I didn't. And I will not. I need to know why."
The words of the poem crystallize for my the memories of utter hopelessness I had in the early times of my faith. Looking back, those moments have finally turned from bitter to sweet.
I just revised it, and I finally completed it:
Soliloquy of a Weak Believer (That Day)
Why not give
up?
Why do
pursue?
Why do I
seek a God I clearly never knew?
I’m tired of
running,
Weary of
striving.
My heart is
dull as stone;
My
willingness is dying.
All I see is
darkness ahead, the lake of fire red;
Still I find
my drunken soul not want to turn.
The love of
God I cannot feel, and why?
It seems to
me,
I’m destined
to curse God and die.
Why try?
Why not give
up?
Why not give
up?
I say I want
to turn,
And yet I
never do accordingly.
Regenerate
saints are not as such,
Regenerate
saints all love Him much.
I search my
heart and find not love, but sinful passions I never could let go.
How
impossible it is to give Him my all, to give Him my whole!
Why not give
up?
Why won’t I
stop?
What drives
my inconsistent striving? I know not.
What is it
that I look for when I seek Your face?
Don’t I
despise Your holiness?
Am I not too
proud to praise?
How did I ever get here?
The folly of two masters.
Reminiscence of devotion that has seemed to lose its luster.
But did it once shine bright?
How did I ever get here?
A vivid memory of newfound love and fear...
Now I
remember that day,
His Word
pierced like a sword.
My first
glimpse of blinding light;
My eyes were
opened.
And I
remember that day,
I called
upon His Name,
I called Him
“Abba, Father”.
Why would I
call Him Father,
If I am not
His son?
Oh, the
dread and bitter sorrow,
And the
sweetness that had followed!
The tears
and moans and groans and cries and sobs and lifted hands!
The snapping
of my heartstrings,
The sight of the King of Kings,
Shall I
forget and live three score and ten more years in sin?
Oh, gracious Lord, please help me,
I shall live
like this no more!
I have
forgotten Your sweet blessings and that You have more in store!
I am foolish
and depraved.
Who would
want not to be saved?
You are a
Master like no other; oh, break my will, make me a slave!
Let me touch
Your hands and kiss Your feet,
Good and
righteous, have mercy.
Shut my lips
with holy light,
Show Your
wrath to make me fright.
Oh, let me
not speak words and act against them in a blink,
Let me set
my eyes upon You and in faith I shall not sink!
But Father,
I will fail! Sin will assail!
And my
efforts shall seem to no avail.
What shall I
do?
What can I
do,
But confess
my sins and beg for You?
Beg that You
will not forsake,
For God’s
sake, I'll not feel sate;
I'll knock
the door until I bleed,
For there’s
none like You whom I so need,
None like
You who can me feed,
None who
formed all heavens and hell,
None like
You, Immanuel!
But please,
by You, I persevere,
My prayers
and cries, I beg You hear.
My heart’s
ground for two laws at fight,
Assure me
that I’m on Your side.
For You, O
King, You always win;
Yes, You
shall put death to my sin!
Give me
peace, O gentle Spirit,
Yet help me
stand when I feel none.
Endure with
me when I am faithless,
From sin,
help me swiftly run.
I am a
wretched worm and dog,
The type of
sinner for whom Christ bled.
Let me know
I have hope too,
That in
grace I may go to bed.
Help me long
to see Your face,
That I may
too run well the race.
The cross I’ll
bear,
The shield I’ll
wear,
The sword,
and always cast my cares.
Be still
and—
God help me—
Drink the
cup,
And never give
up.
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