The Younger Me

AN OLD PHOTO THAT KIND OF RUINED MY DAY

Seriously, I have no idea why this turned out to be such an issue. And this might be one of my most pointless posts ever. But yeah. Hopefully someday in the future I might reread this post and actually know what's going on.

I'm confounded, seriously, by this strange, overwhelming, unpleasant sentiment that came out of looking at my nine-year-old self (I think I was nine then).

It's nothing much, actually. It's just a passport photo. And it was nothing out of the ordinary, too. I was just this little bald kid, smiling, with a colorful striped T-shirt.

I wasn't startled right away, when I looked at the photo. I just thought that I looked cute back then.

Then I held the photo up to the mirror and tried to imitate the smile. Then the unpleasantness set in. And I didn't know why I felt the way I did. It was weird. And then I just lay on the bed and kept staring at the photo, at my own nine-year-old face, trying to analyze the odd emotion that resided in my chest.

I raised my eyes to the clock and found that I had been staring at it for a full fifteen minutes. Wow. Quite a way to kill time.

And I just could not come to understand why it caused me so much discomfort to look at my younger self. But for some reason, it seems that this feeling is undeniably tied to the idea that I've changed. And I don't even know why it startles me. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's something else. But it feels like it's this.

The thing is, probably, that looking at my younger self reminds me of how much I've changed. The face I see in the mirror and the face I see in the photo seem to be two completely different persons, but not in terms of facial appearance. My mindset, my perspectives, and my desires have become so different. Is it a good thing? I wouldn't hesitate to answer yes, but the inner melancholy is still there.

It could be that I also feel a little pity for my younger self. I was so self-absorbed, so involved in my own thinking and imagination that it was frightening. It's frightening because you have to come out of it at some point. And he will, in a few years, after enduring some very stupid but real struggles.

Who am I now? My eyebrows are significantly thicker, that's for sure; I don't look as pure and innocent as I did. There's a roughness of expression, a glare in the eyes that I've developed. And there's also some loss of simplicity. I earnestly hope that doesn't include a loss of genuineness. Finally, there's this sense that God had entered into my life and turned it upside down. That's something the younger me did not have, nor expect. His dreams and fantasies were shattered.

The feeling was so alien and so deeply rooted that I found I didn't have the mood to do anything, especially my homework. I resorted to walking around the house, repeatedly going on Facebook, and reading some shorter articles.

The feeling lifted when I couldn't stand my waste of time any longer and sat down to pray. Oddly enough, the prayer didn't have anything to do with the photo nor what it caused me to feel. My heart turned to heaven, to the transcendent One, and I began, my Father, You are perfect. You are the great God of heaven, and You are pleased within Yourself. You are so happy, and Your happiness so independent of everything else. You are overflowing richness.

And then I had nothing more to ask. That was good enough for me.

My heart felt remarkably free again.

Strange day it is.

Bending God's Arm?

WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GREAT

I really have to jot this down, because it's such a sinful mindset to have.

Sometimes some situation arises that makes me feel like things are suddenly turning for the better in a certain area of my life. I would have some sense of glee, and perhaps, in a way, feel that things are "perfect".

Then I would notice this feeling. I'd sense that there's a lack of God in the midst of my sentiment.

Then comes the attempted coverup. Instead of admitting that I'm seeing things in a wrong light, I would merely seem to think that I've forgotten God or something.

I'd worry that to neglect Him would mean that things would "turn bad" again. So I'd go to Him in prayer, and it'd almost be like I'm trying to pretend to give thanks and acknowledge Him as the source of this "goodness", just so that things would continue to go the way I'd like it to.

I mean, what? It's like God wants me to like Him before He gives me what I want. It's like an exchange. And the problem is it's contradictory, because then what I really want isn't God Himself, but other things of His creation. Ultimately, I'm committed to pleasing myself. And I even try to use God to achieve this. Father, forgive me.

Thank God that He works according to His own will, and not my twisted ideas of how things should work out. His plans are best, and His plans succeed, no matter how things seem.

Be at peace. Be still and know He is God.

Seek First; Eternally Committed

A CALL TO FIRMNESS

So much has been going on.

Why am I shaken? Why am I startled by criticism?

I must take this leap of faith and seek His pleasure above the rest. Then the waves shall be like still water in my sight.

Prioritize! Fight the good fight of faith, and bring ruin to the god of Comfort.

To do right in His eyes is enough. Soli deo gloria.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
(Matthew 6:33)


* * * * *

FOR HIS STEADFAST LOVE ENDURES FOREVER

By God's grace, I'm shaking off the bonds of legalism.

What kind of relationship do I have with the Lord of lords? Well, that He is immutably committed to saving me!

It's one thing to say it and another to believe in it. And, seeing it as a reality, it's the greatest driving force I can have. Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to the cross I cling.

No words that I, a sinner, could say to a holy God, nor any inclination to please Him, unless He first says:

And you shall be my people,
    and I will be your God.”
(Jeremiah 30:22)

Now I think I know why in the 1 Corinthians 13 description of love, it is first characterized as patient. Because while the lies of the world are sweet and mushy and agreeable, God's love is shown in its uncompromising persistence. We feel repulsed by His high, holy character at first, because it denies so much of us; but as the pretty, temporal things of the world fade away, He remains, and you realize He was always there.

Because of His eternal commitment, He patiently persists.

Love never ends.
(1 Corinthians 13:8a)

Blessed Purity

BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART, FOR THEY SHALL SEE GOD

Five precious principles from Dr. Steve Lawson for the pursuit of holiness. They're easy to remember because of the alliteration, too.

1) Wash in the Word
2) Bathe in the Blood
3) Submit to the Spirit
4) Pray for Purity
5) Run with the Righteous

Those Old, Old Men

THOSE OLD, OLD MEN

Truly, one who is able to control his tongue is a mature one. Oh, I keep talking and writing, on and on. (Aren't I supposed to be the quiet type?)

There seems to be a great pressure to reach certain standards in many things I do, especially in the pursuit of holiness and service, but there is also a tendency to try to skip the vital steps to get there.

Oh, if I speak now, what impurity would come forth from my lips. I've noticed that those fiery preachers who are full of wisdom are all old. This is a simple observation, but the implications are huge. What do I expect to be doing or saying at seventeen years of age? These guys took years and years, not in practicing some "speaking skills" nor merely gaining experience, but swimming in the vast oceans of God's Word and prayer. Years.

Only then can their minds be so conformed by repentance to the will and heart of God that their words pierce the consciences of men as God's Word does.

Dr. Sam once told me to expect 20 years of preparation, merely to consider being a preacher of God. He was smiling, but apparently not joking.

Long way to go, boy. Humble yourself and shut up.

Bearing All Things

THIS TIN WOODMAN'S JOURNEY TO SEEK AGAPE LOVE

"Why, as for that," answered Oz, "I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart."

"That must be a matter of opinion," said the Tin Woodman. "For my part, I will bear all the unhappiness without a murmur, if you will give me the heart."

- L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

Sweetness of Hope

SWEETNESS OF HOPE

I think it's nice to ask myself "Why not give up?", with regards to pursuing God in my life.

What's funny is that as soon as the question arises, I know immediately that I give it no consideration at all. Of course I won't give up on the most important thing in my life.

And yet, in my life, I do things that are contradictory to my faith. And here, the question serves as a visible divider between my sinful pursuits and my pursuit of God, by indicating explicitly that I could not live with both, that I must choose one or the other.

So, I go on to consider why I find forsaking God an impossibility.

And the thing is, He caught me. He saved me. I was nothing, and did nothing that was not vain. I was lost and headed for doom. I was so dead I couldn't even consider truly seeking God.

And then He came. And it was the most powerful thing I knew, and I learned why I was alive and breathing, what to give my life to. And it's as if I've never breathed before. It's as if I've never walked before.

He exposed my sins to my face, and for long days and months I struggled. Then, I thought that it was my struggle that was moving me forward, but in hindsight I see merely the hand of God carrying me through. He showed me my sin, and helped me overcome it. He showed me deeper sins, and helped me overcome them. Day by day and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here.

And so the reality is actually this; it's not that I wouldn't forsake God, because of some noble quality that I have within me, but simply that He wouldn't let go. I kept failing, but He kept coming back. Hosea redeemed his adulterous wife.

What empowers me to find hope in what lies ahead?

Well, that He had always carried me and shown me kindness. He is a Rock, and my hope is secure.

He's sure to get me going. There's absolutely no reason to stop striving.

Keep going.