Sorry about the long wait, Simon.
Day 83 (November 7)
Ever since I was young, every time I leave a place, I always bring regrets with me. This camp will be no different, I think. But regret that does not motivate is mere despair, which is why I want to wrap up my experience here and prepare for life at home. Perhaps the most important thing I've gotten out of this camp, with regard to my regret, is learning about my various inadequacies [...]
I was surprised at how calm I felt when leaving for national service on August 17, possibly because deep inside I desired for some kind of change in my life.
I was even more surprised at how scared I felt during that final week before I went home. I was scared that no real change occurred during those three months, that I wasted my time, and wasted God's grace. But of course, I knew that nothing goes to waste in God's plan for those He loves, hence the entry for November 7.
By the sixth day at the camp, I realized that I needed to keep a journal, which I later appropriately titled "For the Preservation of Sanity". I also allowed myself to weep that evening, when I was in the shower. I broke down because I felt like I became very unchristian right after leaving a Christian environment. I felt weak and fake.
I'll start from the beginning.
For the first few nights, I was put to shame when a Muslim demonstrated a greater zeal for evangelism than I did, as he preached Islam to me. Within the first week, a fight nearly broke out, and what appeared to be demon activity occurred in the hall. And I was so surprised by these new things that I didn't know how to respond. I felt like I was displaying Christianity as a very useless religion indeed.
But God gave me some confidence by allowing a number of people to pick up on my Christian character and inquire further. I was able to share the gospel, and that refreshed me. At least they could identify that I was different.
Yet as time went on, even though I had many, many conversations about Christianity with different people there, I was basically passive in my evangelism. Gradually, God stopped giving me those kinds of opportunities, and one day I suddenly realized I wasn't talking about God at all to anybody. And I wasn't trying to build relationships for the sake of the gospel either. I was just drifting along.
And even just drifting along wasn't easy, either. Most of the people in my camp didn't finish school, and, surprise, many of them were gangsters. Every day I see demonstrations of rebellion, of pride, of dishonesty, of hate, and of lust.
Before long, I was filled with an incredible sense of dread, that the long duration of the camp would be too much of me to bear. I couldn't bear being in that place for so long and being such a useless Christian. This feeling of dread, complicated and intensified by the evil I saw daily, was making me very, very melancholy. How am I supposed to operate under such extreme conditions? I thought.
"For he crushes me with a tempest
and multiplies my wounds without cause;
he will not let me get my breath,but fills me with bitterness."
(Job 9:17-18)
I continued to learn more about my own vices, especially my dishonesty. I realized how much I rarely say what I mean or mean what I say. I said things because I felt like people wanted to hear those things. It was my way of staying invisible, of protecting myself from hostility.
I was so spiritually desperate. I never imagined coming to a point where I'd have so little time for reading God's Word and for private prayer, even when I needed it so much. I needed God to speak to me, to tell me what I'm supposed to do in such times. And I needed time to get my mind to sober up; I was incredibly tired with how easily people drew me away from a godly focus.
This produced two positive fruits. First, I learned the power of Bible reading. Really, perhaps I've been so accustomed to studying a Bible text that it surprised me how much I got out of reading through a book of a Bible at the same speed I would any other book. This could be a helpful tool in the future. Second, I was really forced to pay much, much more attention to the exercise of prayer. With no Bible constantly available, and no like-minded brethren in Christ, I only had God to turn to through prayer when things got really tough.
Before long, people were starting to become rather appreciative of me. Thank God, at least they liked me for what they identified as a Christian character. They shared secrets with me and sought me for conversations on serious topics. This still backfired, though, and it became a humongous obstacle to my prayer life, because I became pleased with myself. I was aware of my self-contentment, of course, but it was incredibly hard feeling to overcome.
And that wasn't all that was there to tempt my pride. Quite a number of people were vocal about how they thought I was good-looking. And, beginning to agree with them, I started looking at reflections more.
Thus, I was caught in this complication for the majority of my time in the camp. A sense of a failure and a sense of pride, all at once. And perhaps, above all, a sense of loneliness. I could not express how alone I felt as a Christian. Which was why several passages became so much more meaningful to me.
"...that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,"
(Philippians 2:15)
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."
(Hebrews 12:3)
"Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end."
(John 13:1)
Throughout the camp, I also had opportunities to get to know other religions. This was also one of the things that troubled me, because all the believers of these religions keep trying to find common ground with mine, while I attempt to do the opposite. In the end, I realized that I didn't know the moral law enough, such that I wasn't able to convict them of their sin. (Indeed, I couldn't even convict myself of my sin throughout the camp.)
(John 13:1)
Throughout the camp, I also had opportunities to get to know other religions. This was also one of the things that troubled me, because all the believers of these religions keep trying to find common ground with mine, while I attempt to do the opposite. In the end, I realized that I didn't know the moral law enough, such that I wasn't able to convict them of their sin. (Indeed, I couldn't even convict myself of my sin throughout the camp.)
Very soon, I felt the implication of my inability to teach these people righteousness; it meant that I myself didn't know how to walk righteously. I didn't know what God wanted from me. Certainly, my life showed clear signs of this. But God eventually gave me an answer in a very, very familiar verse.
Day 77 (November 1)
Admist troubling thoughts, meditated and prayed a lot. I came to a point where I realized that I lost sight of God's heart; I wondered for some time what God truly cared for, and how I can be sure. Found an answer in Genesis 1:27, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." God cares for me because I am his image, his glory. Profound implications in such a simple truth.
I can't express what a great takeaway that was. It wasn't like a turning point or something during the camp, but it did take root in my heart. It reminded me of what holds all men accountable to the moral standards of God, even of what actually enables men to understand God's moral standards apart from regeneration.
The last few days were sad. Again, they were sad because I felt like I'd failed at achieving anything significant. And they were sad because I recognized how little I cared for those people. It stung me, how little love I had, because I almost felt glad that I was leaving them, even though I knew that most of them were headed for hell. I was disgusted with myself.
My last words in the journal:
I couldn't sleep on the bus when we were going back. I was too excited about going home.
My last words in the journal:
It's in such a time that I realize my disregard for persons, how hard it is for me to attach myself to other people. How inhumane I am. Resolved, to continue to fight for love, and commit my heart to persons outside of myself, first of all the eternal Person, and after that those who are created in His glorious image.
I couldn't sleep on the bus when we were going back. I was too excited about going home.
When we were nearing our destination, a girl who sat nearby called my name. "We're not going to see each other again," she said with a frown. That totally ruined my mood, because I knew what kind of person she was, and that she was helplessly going back to a sinful lifestyle. And at one point, I actually ignored a rather good opportunity for telling her about the gospel.
I breathed hard. Oh, regret.
We got off the bus. I gave one of my best friends a last hug, and I hopped into my car. Goodbye, PLKN, I thought blankly.
Well spent? Yes, for me. But just me. And I'm tired of thinking about just me any longer. People are dying.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."
(Ecclesiastes 3:11a)
Oh God, I pray that's true. How ugly I've made things.
* * * * *
TAKING THE BATTLE TO THE ENEMY
Some part of me wishes the story ended there. But nope.
Back home, I feel the full force of my flaws, especially because this is my comfort zone.
But somehow, seeing the spirit of my brethren, I was encouraged enough to become absolutely frustrated with my complacence, and set for myself the theme of spiritual warfare (something I picked up at NS) for the remainder of 2014. I've decided to actively wage war against my sins, and for the rescue of lost or backsliding souls.
Yes, this is happening now. And it's very, very scary, because I'm a sinner. And my sin is a greater force than any gangster I can possibly find on the face of the earth.
But William Gurnall once wrote: "He that has God's heart cannot lack his arm." And the arm of God is truly a power to be reckoned with. I remember the Exodus, the conquest of Canaan, Gideon's 300, David slaying the giant.
I'm actually filled with much sorrow, anxiety, and despair at the moment, in anticipation of the weeks that are to follow. It's going to be a tough battle. But it's good that I'm seeing this as such an insurmountable challenge; all the more reason to lean on Him.
Oh God, this is it, isn't it? At this point, where my plans are but hesitant guidelines, my determination discouraged, You'll intervene and do something great, no? With all my heart, I wish for that to be true. I surrender my fleshly ways. Work Your wonders and guide me, Almighty.
God help me, here I come.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,"
(Ephesians 6:10-18)
I breathed hard. Oh, regret.
We got off the bus. I gave one of my best friends a last hug, and I hopped into my car. Goodbye, PLKN, I thought blankly.
Well spent? Yes, for me. But just me. And I'm tired of thinking about just me any longer. People are dying.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time."
(Ecclesiastes 3:11a)
Oh God, I pray that's true. How ugly I've made things.
* * * * *
TAKING THE BATTLE TO THE ENEMY
Some part of me wishes the story ended there. But nope.
Back home, I feel the full force of my flaws, especially because this is my comfort zone.
But somehow, seeing the spirit of my brethren, I was encouraged enough to become absolutely frustrated with my complacence, and set for myself the theme of spiritual warfare (something I picked up at NS) for the remainder of 2014. I've decided to actively wage war against my sins, and for the rescue of lost or backsliding souls.
Yes, this is happening now. And it's very, very scary, because I'm a sinner. And my sin is a greater force than any gangster I can possibly find on the face of the earth.
But William Gurnall once wrote: "He that has God's heart cannot lack his arm." And the arm of God is truly a power to be reckoned with. I remember the Exodus, the conquest of Canaan, Gideon's 300, David slaying the giant.
I'm actually filled with much sorrow, anxiety, and despair at the moment, in anticipation of the weeks that are to follow. It's going to be a tough battle. But it's good that I'm seeing this as such an insurmountable challenge; all the more reason to lean on Him.
Oh God, this is it, isn't it? At this point, where my plans are but hesitant guidelines, my determination discouraged, You'll intervene and do something great, no? With all my heart, I wish for that to be true. I surrender my fleshly ways. Work Your wonders and guide me, Almighty.
God help me, here I come.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,"
(Ephesians 6:10-18)
