Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Year 2013: Part 2

YEAR 2013: PART 2

Items that really defined 2013 for me include:
- Preparation for much-hoped-for future career in film
- The visit to Sarawak
- Port Dickson youth camp


* * * * *

WARILY TREADING THE PATH OF AN ARTIST

I gave up the idea of making movies at the beginning of the year. I found that, to me, it was an idolatrous ambition, and I set it down. However, later on this year, it came back in a new form.

I reconsidered this ambition because I realized, after coming across a particular theological view on art, that I really could worship God by this means.

It was an article that first brought to my attention how I ignored the relationship between the practical and the beautiful, for what is considered practical is founded on what is beautiful. We think that it's practical to get a degree and get a job with stable income only because we believe that there is beauty in life that motivates us to keep going.

We believe that it is practical to be effective and efficient in preaching to the nations because God is beautiful and worth worshiping forevermore.

I later read Art and the Bible by Francis Schaeffer, which I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, and almost immediately I reconsidered becoming a filmmaker, because it expressed in Biblical terms the passion I once had for movies. Sure, my initial ambition was sorely pride-driven, but I also had a real desire to capture the glory of God in this medium. It was a desire to express God's worthiness with something louder than shouting: a structured combination of words, visuals, and music.

I wanted, as I did ever since I was young, to be a storyteller.

Although I was frequently told that I'm very scientifically minded, once again, I am not fooled by the postmodern concept that structure dilutes beauty. In fact, I believe that structure empowers and is part of beauty. Thus, with my systematic mind, I will attempt to delve into a career that deals with more "personal" subject matter, for God is both the source of order and of personality.

Part of my passion is to prove that Christians actually can, from the heart, believe in that Gospel that we preach, because it is difficult to sing, dance, write poetry, and make films about something you do not have passion and love for. There are songs and poems and visual art that express God's attributes, but sadly, I have seen few Christian films and few dances that really gave me an impression of the artist's passion for God. Maybe it's tougher in these areas because it's a very directly human performance.

Even in my personal attempt to do so in Chroniac and Christ, I consider myself to have failed. I've perhaps presented a Biblical, depressing view of the condition of mankind, but the Gospel part of the film was not strong enough, because at that point even I myself did not have enough passion for a God-centered Gospel, and also my view of eternal life was fairly bleak during then.

What is NOT part of my passion is to bring major change to society and culture, with the view that movies have a great influence on the broad culture. My intention is not to "soften up" unbelievers to believe in the Gospel. Not that I deny that there is possibility of cultural change or of getting the attention of unbelievers, but I simply do not believe that not having movies will hinder the spread of the Gospel and the advancement of God's kingdom.

I do not believe that making Christian films is a "church ministry", in the narrow sense. It is a ministry in the broad sense that it is my worship to God, just like any other regular career. Thus, I'm very concerned about the focus on calling this the "age of visuals". That may be true in some way, but we must not pretend that a mere change in methods will result in revival. We need to preach repentance and salvation in the church, in the weekly worship, where there are rightly some restrictions on art to prevent distraction.

In conclusion, I no longer see the filmmaker as one whose voice will have more influence than the pastor's, but merely one who serves humbly in his area of work.

I am wary though, because it's obviously unsafe to have a career involving so much aesthetic and feeling, especially in this postmodern age. That is probably why I believe my analytical thinking suitable for scrutinizing everything as I go along in this career. However, I still have my uncertainties.

Sure, there are many internal and external suggestions that this will be the path God wills for me, but I also understand that at this point, movies still have an idolatrous power over me. I need to deal with sin, and put creation under the Creator.


* * * * *

TESTIMONY TO A CHURCH IN SARAWAK

During August this year, I went on a trip to a Baptist church in Sarawak to which Dr. Samuel Ling was an adviser.

It was quite a privilege, because I am but a teenage boy, and given the task to share to the other teenagers in that church what we've learned in our church. It seems even less fitting that Dr. Sam was leading the small team, including my parents, me, and Francis.

Part of Dr. Sam's intention was to encourage the church body by having "regular believers" like us share about the great things we've understood and experienced. Thus, very simply, that's what we did.

I consider it a great moment for me this year, because I was blessed with an opportunity to truly examine myself as I prepared to share to the church. We went there for three days, but I only shared for two sessions, totaling to around three hours of speaking; so it's not hard to imagine the great amount of time for personal reflection in the hotel room, in the warm bath.

Firstly, it was a great turning point for me in how I viewed the changes that were occurring in the fellowship, because when I got there, they were also facing almost the same problems. Their fellowship was teaching the Shorter Catechism and boring teenagers to death. It made me accept more that I could not possibly get every single person to stay in the fellowship if we were going to preach the true Word of God. It was helpful to distance myself for a while from what I considered to be my burden, and see things the way God sees things, not the carnal ways certain church members did.

Also, it was a fruitful personal review of the most important truths I've learned these few years: repentance and God's Word. Those were the two topics I shared with the youths, and was, in my opinion, an effective summary of what God had taught me ever since the reform in our Sunday school and fellowships began. I used one sentence, "Repent, and believe and obey the Word", to describe what it means to be a true Christian. It was an occasion of thanksgiving and also much fear, because it was during my preparation that I realized how incredibly heavy and important those doctrines were, and I really had to know what I was talking about.

Another memorable part about the visit was that Dr. Sam was our team leader. It really appalls me, how much of just being around him can affect me. When you see him teach or preach, you see the grandness and faithfulness of his theology. But if you somehow manage to stick around, his humility is quite surprising, and you see that he really does mean much of what he says, because his life is truly one of submission. You don't see many pastors of his stature admitting their uncertainties or listening very attentively to "regular believers", but he did, and it was very encouraging.

The way he unites high theology with down-to-earth life is also illustrated in how he jumbled up our plans for sharing, right before the day we were going to share. It indirectly revealed our self-consciousness in our initial preparation, because we were probably too absorbed with our own sharing to concern ourselves with how much the listeners would be able to understand. He gave our sharing a more attractive and passionate structure. And this later influenced the way I planned programs for the fellowship.

Right before we left for the airport, we were at a restaurant for dinner. I was eating really slow, as usual, and we had to leave quickly. At the last minute, I began to forcefully stuff whatever was left into my mouth, and Dr. Sam, who was sitting beside me, gave me a pat on the back and told me to relax.

That was not the first time someone attempted to correct my eating habits, but when he said it, I was somehow quite sure that he saw more than just my eating habits. He probably saw, under a cover of youthful godliness, a nervous little boy who hasn't learned to trust God yet.

I probably found it hard to trust anybody else who told me to relax, because I also saw anxiety in them. But when someone who's really learned to trust God over the years tells me that I can do the same, there's something very credible about that.

Of course, even if his intentions were not so deep, I at least know that God's were. Because I understood then, that even in all these great roles of responsibility, I can still freely admit my weaknesses and trust God. And it is joyful.


* * * * *

FELLOWSHIP IN THE LIGHT

On Christmas eve, I realized that the sin in my heart includes this statement: "I want God out of my life."

It was a terrible realization that came from asking myself what God really meant to me. And, being in a state of little desire for God, and much desire for an idol that shall not be named, that's honestly what I felt.

Of course, it immediately brought a surge of despair followed by a sense of true need for Christ to save me, which is surely why it was necessary for God to reveal it to me.

That was a precursor to the camp, which lasted from December 26 to 28.

It was cool, the camp was. You don't usually get more than 80% of youths in a room confessing that they're not true believers, even though they have been in church for years. It was great because a lot of the youths were truly beginning to think about their salvation. It was also very cool because you get quite a number of 21st century teenagers listening to hours of sermon, which is rare, and very good training.

For me, the portion in 1 John about loving the body of Christ was an answer to the desperate question that bothered me since Christmas eve: "What do I do, Lord?" Before I heard this, I was feeling very lost indeed, knowing that part of me hated God, knowing that I had nothing to give Him, and feeling very unworthy of the salvation I believed I had. And so I kept begging God to let me have assurance regarding how I am to serve Him, because I really wanted to.

Hearing that I serve God by serving my brothers and sisters, I immediately became comfortable in my "clique", knowing that I must strengthen the bonds that are already there between those of us with similar conviction. The carnal notion of treating everyone in the world in exactly the same manner was scrapped. Of course I will love my brothers and sisters in Christ more than I love those whom I can't identify as saints. And by doing so, I will learn to love the unbelievers more, too.

For some reason I can't remember for the life of me, I also gained a greater hope in eternal life. Before the camp, I was a little displeased at the idea of being taken away by the Lord at a young age, because I seemed to believe there are some things in this life that cannot be found in eternity. But I realized that just as the New Testament is so much better and complete than the Old, so will the consummation of all things be better than the last days.

I used to be afraid that I won't be able to make films, or get married, or grow old, because I was concerned that eternal life was void of these things. Now I understand that these ideas are idolatrous, because these things in life should do nothing more than point to the better things in store for us in eternity. My worship of God in eternity will far exceed the glory of movies that I can make on earth, the marriage of the church to Christ will overshadow any romance that occurs on earth, and eternal joy in the works of the Lord will render nostalgia on earth a petty thing.

This hope gives me a very, very powerful motivation to choose what is right over what seems easy, because I know that I will not regret it in eternity. Especially with my brothers and sisters, I attempt to say and do what is uncomfortable but needed, because I know that when we smile at each other in eternity, I won't be complaining.

Thus, a very clear goal was set for my life in 2014: I will joyfully seek God with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Nothing more and nothing less.

Oh God, thank You so much for entrusting to me all the pain and pleasure that I've experienced in this year. Your way is always correct.

Continue to deal with me and guide me.

In the glorious name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Year 2013: Part 1

YEAR 2013: PART 1

Items that really defined 2013 for me include:
- Taking on the role of fellowship leader
- Departure from drama class
- 1 Samuel Bible study & Renewed Life fellowship


* * * * *

AT THE HELM OF AGAPE FELLOWSHIP

The is the one of the two events that ended 2012 on a violent note for me.

Becoming leader was a violent choice. It was violent against my personal temperament. I did not really like to lead, because I didn't really like society in general.

It was probably also violent against the opinions of other people. I volunteered for leadership, and of course they didn't want to put me down, so they did not oppose. But they probably knew deep inside that I was quite self-absorbed, and not really leadership material.

About a week ago Stephen called. He was struggling with the same question, but with greater intensity because he has a greater understanding of his weakness than I did last year around this time. At first, he completely dismissed the idea of becoming the leader of Renewed Life fellowship. But some people were urging him on. Talking to him made me think more about what made me decide to do it last year.

Pride was honestly a factor. I fancied myself the theologically superior to the rest of the members, so of course I should be the one.

But also there's God's hand in this. Like I said, I did not like to lead. But despite this, somehow God used my own fleshly desires to never push away an opportunity to learn to lead.

Since I was young, I was given lots of opportunities to lead small groups and so on. When I was 14, I very foolishly volunteered to be president of camp, without really knowing what the job was for. I did terrible. All I knew was that if nobody wanted it, it doesn't kill me to try. I was trying to break the boundaries of my own introversion, because it felt terrible living in my own world. I wanted to be noticed and to be commended.

As much as I hated leading, I rarely rejected a direct invitation to do so, and thus was almost consistently trained to do so from the time I began to home school.

Of course, the motivation behind my endurance of such a training is sinful. But God used it for good.

And so, other than the pride factor, there was the perception of God's will for me to do it. I looked around and nobody really seemed ready to lead. Somehow I knew it was my turn, in addition to external encouragements that I'm the next one to take the role. Seeing the work of God in my life, I felt quite ready. I hoped to bring some sort of revival to the fellowship.

It was until this year that I found out it wasn't meant to be pretty.

I felt like God stripped me bare. My mistakes were going public, and I saw the effects they have on people. I was not as good a leader as I expected myself to be, and I became increasingly frightened of the role. Every week became a performance, and my acting was so bad I could've won a Razzie Award.

I hated it. It was the introvert's worst nightmare: being publicly disliked. I feel responsible for nearly halving the number of people who are turning up. My plans turned out to be worthless, and I realized I didn't know nor care about my fellowship members at all. Yet I was still at the helm and struggling with all my personal problems.

I was so scared. Now that I look back, I realize that I was truly so scared. Halfway through the year, the idea of giving up crept in. Of course, it was just a ridiculous idea that I knew I couldn't possibly put into action. I was too ashamed to ask for replacement.

Such intense psychological suffering was God's molding of me, I realize. I always thought that if I'm good enough, God will use me. But now I know that isn't true. He loves me more than that; His using of me is also His molding of me. My pride was so great that He had to put me through a time like this to humble me. And after a year, I reckon it worked.

I learned how not to take it personally. I learned to say, even in a leadership position, "I'm broken and lost." I learned that there are greater glories than my shriveled ego. I learned that being small was a contentment. And by learning that I did not care for people, I began to learn to care.

Now I step down. I'm relieved that it has ended. Not that I'm no longer the leader, but that the days when I've had such a high degree of desire to please people have ended. A storm has calmed.

I expected myself to write some comments about how I did as a leader, but it seems that it's not so important to me. What's important is that God used it to bless me. I was just an imperfect vessel used for the perfect work of God.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
(1 Corinthians 13:11-13)



* * * * *

MY THIRD FAMILY?

The second violent event that marked the end of 2012 was my clash with my drama teacher, Milo.

There was a severe disappointment when I declared my lack of affection for my drama classmates during the drama camp last year. Of course, that was only half true; it was what I hoped to feel about them. I wished I cared less, because I knew that my infatuation with them was selfish and fleshly in the eyes of God. I knew I could not recognize them as a third family despite the incredibly strong connection I felt.

Nevertheless, I was rebuked for saying I felt that way, and also for explaining my Christian views the next morning to my teacher. I was told off for being extremist, and most importantly, was fired from my position as director and told to never return to the class again.

This was disappointing news to whoever heard it in the class. Why did I turn out to be someone like this? But they don't understand. They never did. I do.

I understood it to be God's calling. One can discuss at length what my mistakes were when speaking to the teacher, what I should've said instead and so on. But the moment he told me I shouldn't be director anymore, what I heard was God calling, "It's time, son. Time to move on to the next step of your journey."

I was so shocked and so relieved, I asked, almost in disbelief, "You would let me off?"

The thing was, I was going to direct a play for this April. I tried to sneak in my Christian views, in the worst sense of the word. But it was noticed, and I was asked to change it. My conscience wouldn't let me, and I was struggling with what to do once I started to direct it.

God let me off. And although the teacher regretted his decision to remove me from his class that very night, I knew I wasn't going to go back, because God did not rescind His decision. From then on, there was no turning back. It was for the greater good.

Why is this event important to me? Because I like them so much. I really do, and some of them especially. It was such intense pain to admit that I cannot be affectionate toward them the way they want me to, that I would not experience anything with similar intensity until half a year later, in my role as fellowship leader.

God removed the distraction, and freed up more of my time for Him. I did not have to spend three to four months of my time preparing for a stage play, and I spent more time alone to struggle with Him. The obsession with trying to be a great actor and to develop acting theories was dropped. I had one less crowd to please.

I was allowed more focus on attempting to lead God's sheep. That was so much more important.

I always wanted to return. At certain points, I desired for it so much I almost made the decision to do so. God, through many methods, prevented me from doing so.

About a month ago, there was the farewell event for the 17-year-olds, because we were supposed to be graduating from the drama class. I was invited, too, and I went. Within a day, we prepared our final stage play together, and acted it out that night. The stage play was about us, of course, and our reminisce of what we called the "Kiwi Journey". My words from the 2012 drama camp about how I only went to drama class to study drama, and not to seek a certain feeling, was featured in the play. 

And while the original idea for it was to picture our "Kiwi Journey" come to a glorious end, I was glad my involvement injected honesty into it, and at the end of our play we were not depicted as heroes at the end of a journey, but as imperfect people at the beginning of another one. Because that's what it was.

Then of course, there was the thing I said in another post about people telling me about their admiration for me and whatnot. That thorn stuck with me for a while, but as expected, it no longer does.

Their appeal to me will fade more and more. They might dislike me increasingly. And by distancing myself from them, by being holy, I will learn to truly love them, if God allows.


* * * * *

MR. CHUN CHUNG

Two consistent sources of spiritual nourishment this year are the Westminster Shorter Catechism group discussions on Friday nights, and 1 Samuel Bible study on Saturday afternoons. It was during those times of fellowship that I could set down the burden of being leader. Hopefully, they will continue next year.

A few weeks ago, there was an event in Renewed Life fellowship where we were to give thanks for what happened in this year. There were some pieces of paper to randomly pick from, and the one I chose asked me to give thanks to God for putting a notable person in my life this year. I had to leave before I answered the question. Perhaps it was for the best, because the person was in the room.

He was the one whose encouragement convinced me to start writing this blog. He was also one of the few adults who affirmed my apparent gift of teaching.

His emphasis on "flesh and blood" Biblical exposition and theology also affected me profoundly. He probably influenced the way I envisioned Christian art, because he always demanded that we understand something on a personal level. This also began to change the edgy way I dealt with my fellowship members.

I'm not sure about the long-term effectiveness of his approach, but it usually is quite refreshing. During the Shorter Catechism group discussions, he would always try to take us beyond the technical and give us a very intimate understanding of doctrines. "So what?" he would say, in response to certain truths. This would push us to think more deeply what it really does mean to us. This had likely dissolved much of my pretentiousness, and instead of lowering my respect for doctrine, increased my sincerity towards it.

And of course, there's the lovely Saturday Bible study. I realized that I really did not seriously expound on the Bible in private. Perhaps it was because of my intention to try to get the flow and structure of each of the books by going through them faster. Anyhow, it's always exciting to go into the details. It's exciting because the Bible is God's literary masterpiece, and also because there's the anticipation of seeing God and His works "in flesh and blood". It feels real.

These regular times of fellowship probably kept me spiritually alive more than I can comprehend. Thank God.


* * * * *

To be continued...

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Eyes of God

GOD'S HOLY GAZE

"One way to avoid God's eyes is to live as if fear of other people is our deepest problem—they are big, not God. This, of course, is not the case. Fear of people is often a more conscious version of being afraid of God. That is, we are more conscious of our fear of others than our fear of God. Granted, fear of others is a real phenomenon. We really are afraid of the thoughts, opinions, and actions of other people. But under that we hide as best we can the more desperate fear of God."
― Edward T. Welch, When People are Big and God is Small

We would likely be driven crazy if we truly knew the extent to which God sees our heart.

Today, after spending the morning listening to theology classes on MP3, the six of us went out for lunch. In the car, we took a strange interest in particularly observing one of our sisters, whose mannerisms we found amusing due to their rigidity. At some point, she chuckled uncomfortably and told us to stop looking at her. I asked her whether being looked at makes her feel uncomfortable, to which she replied yes.

Sharing her temperament to some extent, I understood. I used to try to evade society like it was the plague. There was a tense discomfort when people looked at me, or even worse, observed me.

That small moment reminded me again of this interesting topic: seeing.

On a political level, visibility is crucial. The amount of insight another nation has into your nation determines your vulnerability to it. During wars, huge amounts of money are spent on spy projects in order to uncover secrets, to gain the upper hand in the game of vision.

On a personal level, all introverts know that the act of seeing can be very violent, which is why they shy away from it at all.

Perception is followed by judgment. That is inevitable. Seeing anything, one must make a moral and value judgment upon it, no matter what. One might not say what he thinks about something, but the truth is that he does think something about it. And thinking something about something leads to action, or the lack of it.

As sinners, we know that we cannot stand being scrutinized. The nature of sin requires the man to be blind and deceived about who he really is in order for him to live comfortably. Being exposed will destroy him. We can only live in darkness, and are afraid to step into the light.

The God's judgment of mankind is based upon His vision of him. That's why the Bible states that men would rather have mountains crush them than let God see them when He comes to judge. Because the act of seeing is the beginning of judgment.

That is why it is a wonder why the eyes that saw all my depravity and rebellion also looked upon me with compassion and wept on my behalf. What kind of love is that?

We all, at one point or another, deeply desire for someone to look into our eyes with understanding, hold us, and assure us that we are acceptable. And yet, all along, there was this Christ, who looked upon me with more understanding about me than I'd like Him to have, saw all that I truly was, how completely unacceptable I am, and said to me, "I do not condemn you. Sin no more."

The One I hated, betrayed, fought against with all my being, let me off the hook and hung Himself there.

If there's anything that drives you crazy more than your sin being exposed before God, it's seeing those sins put upon Christ and you going free. It crucifies you, killing you, and rebirths you into a love-powered super soldier.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Frozen

SPIRITUAL CHILLS IN DECEMBER & DISNEY'S "FROZEN"


 

"Stop the winter, please."
"Don't you see? I can't."


We don't actually have winter weather in Malaysia, but it's around winter time now for the Northern Hemisphere. And I like the idea of winter as a metaphor.

December is here, along with an apparent low temperature in the spiritual climate of me and my spiritual siblings. I'm feeling like Napoleon and Hitler, both of whom met defeat at the hands of the Russians in winter battle. How are you supposed to fight well when the ice and snow viciously lags you in your tracks?

First it was the drama class farewell. I'm "graduating" from the class this year, despite the fact that I did not return to it for an entire year. I was incredibly puffed up by the amount of people who said that they admired and liked me. More importantly, they gave me a very strong sense of identity, during a time when I felt slightly unsure of my standing before God. They drew a picture of a Joshua who's likeable, talented, creative, calm, speaks English, and sleeps a lot (?). It was so much easier for me to reach out and claim that identity than to fight my sin and admit my spiritual poverty before God. So I seemed to play along during those hours.

Then there was the children's camp at our church. Seriously, my conscience was struck unconscious for those three days. I was aware of the watered-down Gospel-preaching by many teachers, the carnal means used to keep the children interested, the weak spiritual condition of the staff, and the lack of serious planning for the follow-up of those children. Yet, I felt almost nothing then. I just played along.

In the words of Albus Dumbledore: "Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right."

We want to change, thank God. And by the power of the Lord who moves, we shall.

For the time being, one of our great godsends in such an hour is the calm, steady voice of Dr. Samuel Ling, as we listen to his introductory theology course on MP3. Perhaps due to my own childishness, his words do not instantly stir up a flame in my heart when I listen to him speak, like the way other speakers do. He is not monotone, but he is also not dramatic.

Yet, even though what we've been listening to in the past few weeks we have already heard before, the impression the lessons make upon me is... well, impressive. They slowly and steadily shift me into a mode of mentality where I begin to see the world through Biblical lenses. And subsequently, that brings an increasing sense of peace, because the worldview given to us in the Bible sets us in a position of humility and trust.

Again, my undying love and support for high, solid theology is because I see it as bone structure for the flesh and foundation for the shelter. All the talk about "relevance" is nonsense, and comes from a selfish perspective; of course sinners will only find relevant things that fit their self-serving ideas. The Bible's grand view of things, however, points to a glorious, transcendent God whom we will find joy in seeking and worshiping for all eternity.

I've heard Dr. Steve Lawson say before, "The power is in the message, not the messenger." Somehow I couldn't bring myself to believe it then, but those words stuck with me like a thorn, until I slowly came to accept it as true. And I couldn't find a better example to demonstrate it than Dr. Sam's "boring" classes.

I just watched Disney's latest animated feature, "Frozen". I was really impressed, and so are much of the critics. But I'm not here to note its artistic merit, or I would've written many more blog posts.

I'm writing about it because 15 minutes in, I started to tear up. Because of a Disney movie. Seriously.

Elsa seems to be the only Disney character I could relate to. Her ability to create ice is effectively an embodiment for her personality: she is cool, silent, and rigid. She finds comfort in isolation, where she can "let it go" and do whatever she wants to.

The film probably intends to use Elsa's magical powers as a representation of certain talents that unusual people have and that must be harnessed for good, however this does not parallel my similarities with the character. Her motivation for isolation is a strange, hidden talent. My motivation for it is my sin, my desire to be emotionally invulnerable. But doing so paradoxically made me the most vulnerable person I know.

But it was not seeing Elsa's loneliness that coaxed the tears. It was that she had to shut Anna out.

"Do you want to build a snowman?"

I can't decide which is worse, being shut out, or having to shut people out.

I was reminded of the Annas that God put in my life. I don't know what I would do if they didn't knock on my door. And quite frequently, I ran, thinking that it was the solution, that I could actually make their lives and mine separate by isolating myself. But to not love is to hate; Elsa could not change the influence she had on people by going away. (Also, what did she eat when she was alone in the mountains?)

I disliked the movie's resolution of things. But of course, I couldn't expect any real answers from secularists. The movie provided love as an answer to fear, which I readily agree with, but a source of love was not provided. The characters themselves had the potential for love, and it all depended upon the choice to do so. That's where my empathy for Elsa ended. She says "love" and magically melts the ice. I say "love", and my words are as empty as my heart.

The movie realistically presented a real human issue, but ended with presenting an empty solution.

Oh Christ, the fountain of love. Pour the understanding of Your love onto me.

And thank You for being the best Anna. When I wouldn't open the door, You kicked it in, took my cold embrace and made it warm.

And every day You knock. And every day you remain a model for the other Annas who knock.

"Some people are worth melting for."


Monday, December 2, 2013

Chroniac

CHRONIAC & CHRIST

Near the end of the short film's production, I finally regretted the decision to make it.

We humans can be so afraid of being wrong that, even when we make an initial wrong decision, we stand by it in order to somehow prove, by certain results, that we made the right decision after all. But living under sovereign justice, we simply can't expect to avoid reaping what we sow.

The workload drained me and left me for dead. I didn't have the time or mind to do anything for the fellowship to try and tie up some loose ends for the end of this year. I began to backslide. Bye bye Bible reading and prayer. I became obsessed with success, I wanted so bad for this to work out.

Thank God it didn't. In the end, I didn't really like my own production. Sure, there are things about it I'm satisfied with, but as a whole it did not achieve the standard I hoped for it to achieve. And in the end, I'm reminded of how liberating it is to not fall in love with my own filthy rags.

Wanting to believe that I've overcome my questions regarding how I am to pursue such a vocation with a right Christian attitude, I did not allow my conscience's warnings about my attitude to bother me, which is kind of ironic since the protagonist in my short film also ignored his voice of conscience and fell into a worse form of worldly pursuit. It's the notion that since I've struggled about this, I probably have a correct mindset now when making films. But I still fell prey to my pride.

It was certainly rigorous training for my writing skill. I'm quite upset about the dialogue, but I can't change it anymore. But I've learned a couple of tricks to keep a smooth flow of theme throughout a film, so that's a gain right there. And, as usual, after writing a script, I'm once again repeatedly inspired by things around me to write. There is so much I can write about. So many perspectives and themes from which we can explore the truths of God.

Production process:

The completed short film differs dramatically from its initial inspiration. Originally, I planned to make a short film stylistically titled "#Deconstruction #In #Progress", using the hashtag as a symbol of postmodern disintegration of ideas. The original idea was to make a loosely structured story, where the life of the protagonist is depicted the way he sees it, in bits and pieces and moments, and the protagonist slowly realizes the vanity of it all, with the philosophical questions of temporariness (represented by clocks) and self-identity (represented by mirror reflections) bearing down upon him. But, afraid that this is all too centered on the pitiful condition of his life, and wanting to show the root of the problem, which is rebellion against God, I made that a theme.

Perceiving how rock music can be representative the spirit of rebellion in today's age, I first attempted to incorporate Queen's music into the work, but then I decided that the Beatles were a better choice, with seemingly more diversity in their music, and seeing as they are so representative of the counterculture of the 1960s. Contemplating the theme of rebellion caused me to use Nietzsche's philosophy ("God is dead") as an overarching theme, and led me to write the subplot regarding the assassination of the Emperor in the online game. Seeing how the thematic emphasis of the story was altered, I changed the title to "#Absolute #Anarchy".

A character, originally named Robin, was created to symbolize the shame that plagued the life of the protagonist. I later took an interest in naming the characters according to what they symbolized, and so Robin became Aeschylus (the name Aeschylus apparently originated from the Greek word for "shame"). The voice of conscience in the film was named Jeremy (from Jeremiah). I also decided that the protagonist was named Louis ("famous ruler"), and his name only mentioned at the end of the film, to symbolize that he "found his place in the real world".

Although there was the concern that our homeschool center only had five male students, a desire to depict the conflicting passions and insecurities of teenagers gave birth to the character of Lucy, for whom I later had to seek out an ex-student to fill in the role. The character was named Lucy because I hoped to use the song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", which I thought was very suitable for the film. The name Lucy means "light", thus there's a specific mention of how the devil masquerades as an angel of light, so that Lucy is not seen as representing a positive influence, but one that parallels the role of Snake in the online game.

In the end, I dropped the hashtag reference, because I could not use it frequently enough in the film. I also decided that the title Absolute Anarchy was not representative enough of the film, so it was simply changed to Chroniac & Christ.

Once again, this particular work is heavily influenced by other works of art I've come across around that time. The writing draws upon the allegorical and metaphorical nature of the books Pilgrim's Progress and The Old Man and The Sea, certain unconventional ways of arranging scenes in the movie Pulp Fiction, and the multifaceted nature of the greatest literary masterpiece ever written, the Bible, which mixes thematic and narrative elements in the most perfectly divine way (literally).

During the video editing process, I listened to rock music in order to "get in the mood". After growing tired of repeatedly listening to the Beatles, I listened to Paramore, which was even more rebellious-sounding, and lyrically provided me with more reasons for overthrowing authority. I also listened to electronic music, namely Daft Punk, out of curiosity, and finally understood the sentiment it contained. Their song "Touch" especially inspired me to put more emphasis on the theme of reality with its skeptic/subjectivity philosophical ideas, even causing me to film one extra scene, the nightmare scene, when we were near the end of the filming process.

I chose wrong, but God graciously gave me some gains, and still leads me.

Though it feels really great to make movies, I've decided I need to be more theologically and spiritually rooted before I even begin my next creative work.