UNCERTAINTY
My Lord God,
I need you.
I bring to you my unrighteousness, including my self-righteousness. I bring to you my pride and hard-heartedness.
I am easily taken captive by my desires and easily think that I am not.
I make many decisions in Your name that are not what Your will is for me to do. I take Your name in vain.
I am in despair. I need to be assured in every moment of my life what you want me to do. I don't want to be deceived. I want each step on the narrow path to be surer than the last. I want to be able to discern your will for me in every minute of my life, and be able to obey it.
I trust that You hear prayer. May Your will be done.
Thank You for Grace.
In the name of Your Son, my King,
Amen.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Best Seats
BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
(Romans 8:28)
Of many things we are not certain, of much we are not sure.
But one thing I am sure of, and such an anchor of the soul it is:
God's perfect plan to glorify Himself to the fullest will surely succeed;
Nothing will hinder Him from presenting His great glory in the theatre of His own creation.
His glory shall be perfectly manifest whether I end up in heaven or in hell.
As for me, my joyful striving will be to find the best seats,
And also call out from the theatre: "There's still room!"
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
(Romans 8:28)
Of many things we are not certain, of much we are not sure.
But one thing I am sure of, and such an anchor of the soul it is:
God's perfect plan to glorify Himself to the fullest will surely succeed;
Nothing will hinder Him from presenting His great glory in the theatre of His own creation.
His glory shall be perfectly manifest whether I end up in heaven or in hell.
As for me, my joyful striving will be to find the best seats,
And also call out from the theatre: "There's still room!"
Thursday, April 25, 2013
25/4/2013
25/4/2013
Today was a happy day. Amidst my weaknesses, God works.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:37-39)
Question: Do I return to the drama club?
There is now one thing that I am worried about. I am worried that apart from giving me new perspective on art in relation to God, Francis Schaeffer's book is actually giving me license to do what I always wanted.
I certainly don't think I am consumed by the mindset and spirit of the drama club, but for some reason, I am attracted to it. Is it the art form?
Anyhow, God will resolve this, I'm sure.
Today was a happy day. Amidst my weaknesses, God works.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:37-39)
Question: Do I return to the drama club?
There is now one thing that I am worried about. I am worried that apart from giving me new perspective on art in relation to God, Francis Schaeffer's book is actually giving me license to do what I always wanted.
I certainly don't think I am consumed by the mindset and spirit of the drama club, but for some reason, I am attracted to it. Is it the art form?
Anyhow, God will resolve this, I'm sure.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Breaking Habits; Greater Burden
BREAKING HABITS
I'm becoming more and more disciplined.
I'm not used to a lifestyle like this; I like more time for thought. But perhaps recent thoughts have become so secular and even painful that I would choose to stop thinking and focus all of my energy on the right things.
So, although my mind and body scream in protest against the newly introduced tight schedule, I press on, and hey, it ain't that bad.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
(Romans 5:3-5)
This is a good change. It always felt uncomfortable to be loaded with so much work that my mind doesn't have time to wander, but I realize that it's because I trust my intellectual abilities so much.
But now I put more trust in the Word of God.
I suffer and struggle with many questions of what I ought to do. Suddenly, my life doesn't merely concern myself, but also the ultimate glory of God that demands worship from me and everyone around me. Suddenly, neglecting the unbelievers around me seems like such a great evil, in light of what God has done for me.
Suddenly, there is so much to do but so little time and so weak a vessel.
But first and foremost, my torch must be lit again by the beauty and greatness of He who is. I feel it has been snuffed out recently.
Then, I will go and set the city on fire.
* * * * *
GREATER THE BLESSING, GREATER THE BURDEN
Not much to elaborate concerning this, I guess.
I've been so blessed that it would be ridiculous if I don't suffer even more than the martyrs of ages past.
Which means I can't stay as wimpy as I now am.
Gotta get used to the scars, gotta get used to the scars...
I'm becoming more and more disciplined.
I'm not used to a lifestyle like this; I like more time for thought. But perhaps recent thoughts have become so secular and even painful that I would choose to stop thinking and focus all of my energy on the right things.
So, although my mind and body scream in protest against the newly introduced tight schedule, I press on, and hey, it ain't that bad.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
(Romans 5:3-5)
This is a good change. It always felt uncomfortable to be loaded with so much work that my mind doesn't have time to wander, but I realize that it's because I trust my intellectual abilities so much.
But now I put more trust in the Word of God.
I suffer and struggle with many questions of what I ought to do. Suddenly, my life doesn't merely concern myself, but also the ultimate glory of God that demands worship from me and everyone around me. Suddenly, neglecting the unbelievers around me seems like such a great evil, in light of what God has done for me.
Suddenly, there is so much to do but so little time and so weak a vessel.
But first and foremost, my torch must be lit again by the beauty and greatness of He who is. I feel it has been snuffed out recently.
Then, I will go and set the city on fire.
* * * * *
GREATER THE BLESSING, GREATER THE BURDEN
Not much to elaborate concerning this, I guess.
I've been so blessed that it would be ridiculous if I don't suffer even more than the martyrs of ages past.
Which means I can't stay as wimpy as I now am.
Gotta get used to the scars, gotta get used to the scars...
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Private Performance; Dates
PRIVATE PERFORMANCE
After reading half of Francis A. Schaeffer's Art and the Bible, I had this idea of preparing a performance that is not to be viewed by any human audience.
I want to make something that is not a tract in any way. Why? So that I know that the art I create is truly worship and not something that is fame-garnering.
The very notion of this poses a challenge; God cannot be fooled. If I'm not sincere, he will know it. He is not like men, who can be mesmerized by music and visuals. He knows my heart.
Hopefully this will shape my later works. God must be the primary audience, the VIP, the mainstream critic of all my works of art.
Does this mean I'm going to delve back into Christian film? Possibly.
* * * * *
DATES I WILL BE GOING ON
I probably call them "dates" because of my own weaknesses.
But I recognize them as that. On dates you want to get to know your lover more. You don't arrive late, you dress up well, you put on perfume...
You look forward to it.
And your eyes will be committing her every little movement to memory, because she is precious.
I don't want to compromise my devotional time any more.
Every day, 2:30pm to 3:30pm.
Don't be late; He won't be.
My beloved speaks and says to me:
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away.
(Song of Solomon 2:10-13)
After reading half of Francis A. Schaeffer's Art and the Bible, I had this idea of preparing a performance that is not to be viewed by any human audience.
I want to make something that is not a tract in any way. Why? So that I know that the art I create is truly worship and not something that is fame-garnering.
The very notion of this poses a challenge; God cannot be fooled. If I'm not sincere, he will know it. He is not like men, who can be mesmerized by music and visuals. He knows my heart.
Hopefully this will shape my later works. God must be the primary audience, the VIP, the mainstream critic of all my works of art.
Does this mean I'm going to delve back into Christian film? Possibly.
* * * * *
DATES I WILL BE GOING ON
I probably call them "dates" because of my own weaknesses.
But I recognize them as that. On dates you want to get to know your lover more. You don't arrive late, you dress up well, you put on perfume...
You look forward to it.
And your eyes will be committing her every little movement to memory, because she is precious.
I don't want to compromise my devotional time any more.
Every day, 2:30pm to 3:30pm.
Don't be late; He won't be.
My beloved speaks and says to me:
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away.
(Song of Solomon 2:10-13)
Monday, April 22, 2013
Infatuation; Transparency
INFATUATION
I thought that this would never happen to me again. I thought I was focused enough, strong enough.
I close my eyes and she would be one of the first images to appear beneath my eyelids, wearing her white dress and glowing smile.
During these few days, her cheeky mannerisms would get me and draw some response from me, however I tried to resist. I know I am not supposed to, but the truth is, I just couldn't see how someone like this would ever appear again. There is no other female I remember who could communicate wordlessly with me as fluently as she does.
This is ridiculous and I know it. I'm glad that these days have ended (though a little crushed as well), and I would most likely only see her rarely from now on. This will go away with time.
One good thing that arose out of this was that I discovered how this kind of "love" isn't really love. Love places importance on the person being loved. My little crush is not so; I am merely attracted to her because she makes me feel important. She makes me feel like she needs me (though the truth is probably far from that). Narcissistic, yes?
I would only encourage her to draw near to God if I truly loved her, because I know clearly that He is the ultimate treasure. I would stay away from what seems to be her approaches, because I know that the time is not right, that God has what's right in store for the both of us.
My problem is that I hate to be hated, which means that I love to be loved. But am I not supposed to love even when I am hated? Isn't the living Spirit of Christ within me to empower me to act as He does?
And what do I see in her that is so attractive? Not godly qualities, as far as I know. What am I doing, then?
This is my grand moment of weakness and wretchedness. I didn't think I would slip into such deep foolishness ever again, and yet here I am, an unloving, selfish boy thinking of robbing a precious girl of the blessings she could have in her marriage.
I am so ashamed.
Father, again I ask, cleanse me.
* * * * *
TRANSPARENCY
I feel more and more transparent before my fellow brothers and sisters. And I think this is happening involuntarily.
Something to be happy and thankful about, I suppose.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
(James 5:16)
I thought that this would never happen to me again. I thought I was focused enough, strong enough.
I close my eyes and she would be one of the first images to appear beneath my eyelids, wearing her white dress and glowing smile.
During these few days, her cheeky mannerisms would get me and draw some response from me, however I tried to resist. I know I am not supposed to, but the truth is, I just couldn't see how someone like this would ever appear again. There is no other female I remember who could communicate wordlessly with me as fluently as she does.
This is ridiculous and I know it. I'm glad that these days have ended (though a little crushed as well), and I would most likely only see her rarely from now on. This will go away with time.
One good thing that arose out of this was that I discovered how this kind of "love" isn't really love. Love places importance on the person being loved. My little crush is not so; I am merely attracted to her because she makes me feel important. She makes me feel like she needs me (though the truth is probably far from that). Narcissistic, yes?
I would only encourage her to draw near to God if I truly loved her, because I know clearly that He is the ultimate treasure. I would stay away from what seems to be her approaches, because I know that the time is not right, that God has what's right in store for the both of us.
My problem is that I hate to be hated, which means that I love to be loved. But am I not supposed to love even when I am hated? Isn't the living Spirit of Christ within me to empower me to act as He does?
And what do I see in her that is so attractive? Not godly qualities, as far as I know. What am I doing, then?
This is my grand moment of weakness and wretchedness. I didn't think I would slip into such deep foolishness ever again, and yet here I am, an unloving, selfish boy thinking of robbing a precious girl of the blessings she could have in her marriage.
I am so ashamed.
Father, again I ask, cleanse me.
* * * * *
TRANSPARENCY
I feel more and more transparent before my fellow brothers and sisters. And I think this is happening involuntarily.
Something to be happy and thankful about, I suppose.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
(James 5:16)
Saturday, April 20, 2013
The End
THE END
The long row of people with beaming faces gave their final bow on stage, marking the end of the performance. The audience burst into applause. The end.
The end? A sudden emptiness gripped me, followed by despair and regret. It has ended.
The emptiness I felt was on their behalf. The joy they felt then would leave them feeling emptier than before.
And the regret was for what I did not do but could've done. I could've done something, but I don't think I've even seriously considered what I could've done for them.
But it's okay. As long as they're still alive, I still have the opportunity to preach to them.
Like the protagonist in the first play, I must deliver myself up to the consuming fire, so that the rest must can be saved.
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
(John 15:13)
The long row of people with beaming faces gave their final bow on stage, marking the end of the performance. The audience burst into applause. The end.
The end? A sudden emptiness gripped me, followed by despair and regret. It has ended.
The emptiness I felt was on their behalf. The joy they felt then would leave them feeling emptier than before.
And the regret was for what I did not do but could've done. I could've done something, but I don't think I've even seriously considered what I could've done for them.
But it's okay. As long as they're still alive, I still have the opportunity to preach to them.
Like the protagonist in the first play, I must deliver myself up to the consuming fire, so that the rest must can be saved.
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
(John 15:13)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Scars of the Christian
SCARS OF THE CHRISTIAN
I shamefully admit that I have close to none.
I was always a frail, wimpy kid. I'm terrified of pain, physical or emotional. I always try to take the comfortable route.
I find that some part of me wishes that my Christian life will be comfortable. Just enough discomfort to make me seem like I've done my part, but oh, not too much! I can't stand that! How do you expect anyone to stand that?
What am I thinking? Is my worship even sincere? I rejoice at the glory but shrivel at the sight of tribulation.
This folly must end. Time to step into the battlefield and earn some serious wounds.
Why?
Because Christ loves me. He really loves me. And He deserves what He commands of me.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.
(1 Peter 4:12-14)
For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,
(Philippians 1:29)
Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name.
(Acts 5:41)
I shamefully admit that I have close to none.
I was always a frail, wimpy kid. I'm terrified of pain, physical or emotional. I always try to take the comfortable route.
I find that some part of me wishes that my Christian life will be comfortable. Just enough discomfort to make me seem like I've done my part, but oh, not too much! I can't stand that! How do you expect anyone to stand that?
What am I thinking? Is my worship even sincere? I rejoice at the glory but shrivel at the sight of tribulation.
This folly must end. Time to step into the battlefield and earn some serious wounds.
Why?
Because Christ loves me. He really loves me. And He deserves what He commands of me.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.
(1 Peter 4:12-14)
For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,
(Philippians 1:29)
Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name.
(Acts 5:41)
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Mirror
Today I grit my teeth at the person in the mirror.
What a hypocritical face. Such pride and arrogance.
I felt like if I had a sword in my hand, I would plunge it in his belly without a second's hesitation.
This boy who claims to love God above all so many other things.
Turns out, at some point, there are some things I'm unwilling to let go of as well. And why not?
Why not?
Folly.
And yet these are the thoughts of the very same fool. Are these words meant to comfort me, meant to make me feel less guilty as I condemn myself?
I just can't be sure anymore.
What a hypocritical face. Such pride and arrogance.
I felt like if I had a sword in my hand, I would plunge it in his belly without a second's hesitation.
This boy who claims to love God above all so many other things.
Turns out, at some point, there are some things I'm unwilling to let go of as well. And why not?
Why not?
Folly.
And yet these are the thoughts of the very same fool. Are these words meant to comfort me, meant to make me feel less guilty as I condemn myself?
I just can't be sure anymore.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Covetousness
COVETOUSNESS
I've recently come to realize the jealousy that resides inside my heart.
Perhaps I've always thought of myself as a humble person, and so my response to sensing my own pride is to pretend that it's not there.
But on the evening worship of Good Friday, my pride became something that I could not ignore.
I was trying to draw near to God in worship, but I couldn't focus. I came to realize how good I felt about myself when covetousness arose in me in response to perceiving other people's signs of sincere worship. I had the notion that I should be able to produce more "pure worship" than most others, if anything of the sort exists. Perhaps it's because I think I pursue God more seriously than they do. Anyhow, it was very disturbing.
I found that what I had on the flip side of this sinful desire was a lack of love for my brothers and sisters. Shouldn't I be happy if they become more godly than I do? Don't I hope for their best?
I had to come to admit this attitude to myself and deal with it.
I found that this was related to why I don't approach people. I am not concerned about them because I only care about how good I am.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
(1 Corinthians 13:1-3)
I've recently come to realize the jealousy that resides inside my heart.
Perhaps I've always thought of myself as a humble person, and so my response to sensing my own pride is to pretend that it's not there.
But on the evening worship of Good Friday, my pride became something that I could not ignore.
I was trying to draw near to God in worship, but I couldn't focus. I came to realize how good I felt about myself when covetousness arose in me in response to perceiving other people's signs of sincere worship. I had the notion that I should be able to produce more "pure worship" than most others, if anything of the sort exists. Perhaps it's because I think I pursue God more seriously than they do. Anyhow, it was very disturbing.
I found that what I had on the flip side of this sinful desire was a lack of love for my brothers and sisters. Shouldn't I be happy if they become more godly than I do? Don't I hope for their best?
I had to come to admit this attitude to myself and deal with it.
I found that this was related to why I don't approach people. I am not concerned about them because I only care about how good I am.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
(1 Corinthians 13:1-3)
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