Thursday, August 29, 2013

Worry

TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT WE CAN'T

We worry, because we do not enough of what we should do.

We don't do as we should, because we don't understand well enough what to do.

We don't understand because we don't listen.

We don't listen because we don't trust.

We foolishly put trust in ourselves, and trust ourselves unto despair. We naturally close our ears to God's Word, and then wonder why we just can't seem to make sense of things in a godly way.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

What Do I Want?

MY GOAL IN LIFE

Is to have affection for God.

So many other things to do, but only this matters.

How earnestly am I seeking to ensure that every day, He fills my heart?

O Lord, grant me this focus, I pray.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

A Life of Receiving

A LIFE OF RECEIVING

A realization to counteract pride is knowing that everything, absolutely everything in a Christian's life is a received blessing.

Pride assumes that "I am enough". With that assumption, one would also feel that he has no more to receive from God, and may only give to others. It's no wonder that this is pride's attitude, because pride causes a man to try to be God. And God is the only one who has nothing to take and everything to give.

I knew that, theoretically, everything in my life is supposed to be given unto me. Every single thing is supposed to be received. But when it comes to sharing and giving to others, I seem unable to maintain that attitude, the grateful, humble, praising attitude I have when receiving knowledge of God's great glory. Because during such moments, I couldn't see how I'm receiving anything; I only see my giving.

Speaking to a brother about this issue helped me organize my thoughts clearly enough to see how this works. I receive my giving. Because to give, to provide, to praise, to sacrifice, are acts that are themselves given by God to make complete what we received firsthand. It makes those things complete because things only find their completion in God Himself.

When I learn, I receive knowledge. When I teach, I receive the sharing of knowledge. The knowledge is made manifest, made known, made obvious, and thus I perceive it in its new form. And this new form is given by God. It's not mine, and if God does not give it to me, I could not utter a single word.

It's a bit deep, and maybe I'm not expressing myself well, but it is so extremely liberating.

In absolutely everything, I can live with the same humble expectancy as when I'm looking forward to receiving a new vision of God's glory. Everything is received. Everything.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Heartache

I'M SORRY

For all my negligence to You, for all the bad things I've caused, for every proud look I've had, for every arrogant word I've said, for every time I put Your name to shame, I'm sorry.

I just wish I knew what exactly to do. I don't even know what to do anymore.

My brothers and sisters in my fellowship, perhaps it sometimes seem that I care more for my ego than anything else. Perhaps it seems I don't care about you. I wouldn't dare say that I do care, either. But tonight, and for many weeks, my heart has been troubled when I consider each of you. It hurts.

Maybe I'm just putting on a show for myself. That's who I am, always the showman.

But after several weeks of restlessness, stolen sleep, I find that the pain is quite real. This would be a little too costly for a play pretend.

I have no hugs or smiles or soft words, but I know I have God. Take Him. Take Him.

Or, I will come after you. I don't care whether you like me, or even whether I like you. God is gracious, and I will give you as many chances as I can possibly give, to the worst of humiliation and greatest of suffering.

Oh God, take them.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Incomplete poem; Constants

ABOUT THE GOD I KNOW

He is One, He is Three,
Invincible for eternity,
Holy, holy, holy is He, with unescaped sovereignty.
Before tale and time was He,
A kaleidoscope of glory,
Having passion that is fury that is love that is He.
Pleased beyond infinity
With the richness in the Three,
He existed perfectly, perfectly joyfully, in perfect harmony.

In light of all, I wonder why He gave Himself to me.
Oh, who am I that my Christ Jesus gave Himself for me?


* * * * *

FIVE CONSTANTS OF THE CHRISTIAN LIFE

I'm sure there a person can come up with so much more than just five, but these five are what I've found incredibly empowering and peace instilling.

You still have sin, and are accepted in Christ
At no point should I have the idea that I by myself am clean before God. As long as I'm alive in this world, before I die my bodily death, sin lurks in me. This would drive me to hopelessness unless I go back to the beginning, where sin was put to death and I was justified, at the cross of Christ. I could say with a heavenly confidence that by no merit of mine, I'm saved, I'm saved. I am kept humble and grateful by this, and am continually rescued from hesitation to lay my vile and many sins at His feet. Bring your nothing, I tell myself, bring your nothing.

God means to save you from sin in all that occur
God, in His marvelous wisdom, ensures that every torment and every revealed sin prods me toward Him. I'm sure that I will grow if I'm sure that I'm in Christ, because again, it's not my work, but the work of the Most Faithful. Also, this mindset prepares me for future sufferings, because I shouldn't expect to come to a point where I'm somewhat "perfect" and have no need for struggle anymore. It just wouldn't happen, because God loves me too much to neglect disciplining me. Every day on this earth, I prepare for battle, and prepare to be shown that I've done wrong.

There is still much to learn
Life becomes extremely confusing when you assume that you've known enough, and try to interpret everything with the limited knowledge you have, instead of just admitting that perhaps there is something you don't understand yet, and simply trusting God for His goodness and sovereignty. This is the ultimate remedy to worry; this is the way of humility and trust, to say that I may not have all the answers yet, but bless His name, if He is willing, it will make sense one day.

You are only required to think for God's kingdom
This is a useful criteria for self-examination. Strictly speaking, one is only required to think about God, but to prevent the danger of cutting off His person from His work, His kingdom is brought into view. Certainly, considering the nature of God and His Church also means viewing the fallen world and its community from the true perspective; thus this principle does not narrow down the scope of one's thinking, but rather enlarges it and frees a person from self-deceived and Satan-deceived thinking. Am I thinking for God's kingdom right now? Sure, it's a disgustingly high standard to achieve, but then our Lord is perfect, and He is pleased to make us more and more like Him.

Rewards await those who strive, including the reward of striving
Why do we strive and work hard and suffer? Firstly, to even have the ability to strive is a gift too excellent for words. What else can I say? It's what we're made for! We are in the likeness of the God who is furiously passionate for His glory. How do we express this passion if we can't strive? How terrible it would be to be immovable, containing it forever! Secondly, how great it is to have something to strive for! With a corrupted, idolatrous mind, one would think of rewards as things apart from God, but the reward referred to here is actually God Himself, whose glory is infinite. Eternity for the elect will be an endless chasing down of the glories of God, each reward not inferior than the last. For the one born again, this eternity has begun! Suffering will not be in vain, nor hope put to shame; rewards await.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Merit?

JOY FROM CHRIST, NOT YOUR PERFORMANCE

Sure enough, it's been a fairly... relaxed, holiday.

I mostly had places to go. Met up with some people. Other than that, I slept a little too much than I should've.

I don't know. It took a while for me to realize that I wasn't feeling that great the whole time.

There wasn't too much that was going awry. Everything seemed fine. I was planning some stuff for the fellowship members.

But today I had a little more time and and little more will than usual to examine my heart before God. I knew something was wrong. I felt out of place.

I dozed off in my thoughts during the evening. When I woke up from my short nap, for some reason, I came to understand what was going on. It wasn't about Him anymore. Everything was alright on the surface of things, but I seemed to act as if that was all that God saw.

What I noticed was a lack of passion. The kind of passion that inspired my past posts that had to do with extreme enthusiasm and desire for none other than God Himself. Back then, I didn't have too much to worry about, other than seeking to know Him.

I notice that God is molding me through these recent occurrences. There is a lot of urging, whether internally or externally, for me to do something, to change some things, to bring variety to the fellowship, to go and evangelize, to reconcile some differences. These urgings threw me off focus.

The thing is, I found that it really, truly was possible to be enthusiastic about serving in the church but not love God. It's this really deceptive mindset that drives a person to be satisfied about doing some good works, yet not for God's sake. It is not a satisfaction with who God is, with His holy excellence. It's satisfaction with "I'm a good person".

And when this takes over, you don't really care for seeking the infinite glories of God anymore; now your highest passion is to "share these gifts with others", rather than to know even more about Him, as if you've already depleted His fountain of joy. And you can't even see a reason for brokenness because you're so impressed with yourself. Your good works seem sufficient ground to you that God is pleased enough.

I quite naively thought this wasn't an issue in my life. Or, perhaps I wished it wasn't. But this attitude was present, and it became an ever present, troubling veil between me and God. I'm glad I'm convicted of this, though. I'm free again.

Once again: to do right in His eyes is good enough; Soli Deo Gloria.

And what is more right than to uphold the most Righteous?

I'm going to sleep.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Pleasing Self

HOW CAN I NOT DO THINGS FOR MY OWN PLEASURE?

It seemed like a noble question to ask.

The problem was this, though: assuming I was correct in presupposing that everything I did was to seek my own comfort, then even the question itself was guilty of this. I'm caught in a paradox.

But again, it's a very real question, deriving from the observation of how I'm uncontrollably wired to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort. Sure, I'm willing at times to endure suffering, but how could I, if not for a higher joy?

Recognizing the paradox, I decided that I couldn't deduce an answer to the question based on its presupposition. Instead, I realized that I mustn't begin with myself, for I am not the origin of my own person and pleasures and functions.

It's much better to ask, "What does God intend for you to do according to His good will and pleasure?"

Of course, this question might seemingly be rendered irrelevant by the Satanic voice that questions why I absolutely must do His will. I've come up with a cocky retaliation: "Who do I trust, then? Me, or you?" I'm not sure how effectively this response will aid me, but it seems promising.

Now I will attempt to answer my own question.

Q: "How can I not do things for my own pleasure?"

A: "The question is irrelevant. Look to God for instruction. Don't ask why, there are no reasons beyond God, only in Him."

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.
(Colossians 1:16)