Happy Anniversary; Fighting Pride

A YEAR OF BLOGGING GRACE

I read through all of my blog posts to collect material for a special post here, to sum up the most important things I've learned and written in this blog since a year ago.

It was exhilarating, seeing the past year unfold before my eyes again. Some posts captured the lostness and despair that I seem to have forgotten by now, and revisiting those emotions makes me grateful and happy about today.

Also, I saw in those posts, despite the brokenness, a sense of God's closeness to me during those harder times. My words were somewhat theologically clumsy and imprecise, but saturated with passion. You could see in my words that God was teaching me gently and patiently. God was holding the hand of a toddler. The toddler was stupid and rebellious, but he also loved and needed his Father, and his Father made sure he grew. That's grace.

As is the theme of Deuteronomy, we must remember the salvation of the Lord. Here are some of the things I believe God has taught me.

Proceed with caution, however; indeed, in these posts I have attempted to organize what I understood of God's Word, but I sense that there is a fair chance my own sinful thoughts and even "style" pervaded these posts. Like a Berean, check everything against God's Word. It is in the Word of God we ought to immerse ourselves, not in the rhetoric of men.


- We tell stories because of the beauty of all the little bits and pieces coming together to form something meaningful. Each part of a story matters, and thus, is meaningful. We find beauty in purpose. 

- Anyone can wrestle down his guilt by changing his actions and making himself feel as if he were actually righteous deep inside. You just have to be proud enough to think that you're not actually evil.

- What is it about video games that draw me? Well, there's that point I've thought about before, which is that I am drawn to the gaming world because God isn't there. He does not control my destiny. I control my destiny. I can become powerful all on my own.

- My only hope for sanctification, the Word of God.

- If God is the God who created the universe, then how great it is to know that He is our Redeemer. Whoever He sets out to save, He will not fail in saving.

- And also thanks to the work of other saints, I was taught how to find Christ from the very beginning of the Bible's books and onwards. At some point, I found out what it meant for me; it meant that in the things that typify Christ, all the great, glorious qualities are God's. And I can understand them.

- To be great is not my burden to carry. It's God's. I must rid myself of the notion that the people around me need me. Nay, even the Word of God declares that "...God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham." (Matthew 3:9). He shall succeed, and I shall simply find for myself a good seat to admire His success.

- And because of this faithlessness, I actually consider the idea that I can be well-prepared enough to cause every single person around me to accept God. But that's not the case. This is not in my hands. 

- And I realized that there are some things that God brings into your life simply to teach you to let it go. And so you must.

- The one who is more godly is not the one who needs less struggle against sin than the ungodly; he is the one who struggles the hardest and acts most radically.

- God wants us to ask from Him so that when we receive His blessing, we know that it's from Him.

- In my striving to grow in my knowledge of God, I strive to grow in love.
 
- Every sin is an acceptance of deception. And every sin includes this lie: that life can be beautiful without God.

- In all I do, I sin, even in my good works, my prayers, my service in the church. And the only reason God accepts us and our service is simply because we are in Christ, and our "sacrifices" are made clean. I have nothing to boast of myself, but only have the right to boast of Christ.

- His death is even more bewildering than His arrival. Again, why? Why would You die for us? The answer ought to break our hearts into a thousand pieces. In His agony, His bitter passion, His humiliation, He seeks to say to His chosen people:  "I love you."

- It is exhilarating to remind myself that the fulfillment of the kingdom of heaven is very real, and that I will see it one day. It is not a fantasy or a dreamlike thing, it will be as real as can be. The remnants of sin in our lives will be gone, and the richness of God will be made known to us in a way that we cannot possibly now imagine. We will be surprised and awed. There's no way you can prepare or expect what's coming. It will be beauty beyond belief.

- Away with my stupid little feelings! Away with trying to be someone in this world! I was nothing until God formed me, and my identity remains tied to Him!

- How I wish we would stop counting on ourselves and find peace in the truth that You know and control all things. It is always painful to count on ourselves. Always.

- And we lose more and more of our humanness, our image-of-God-ness, as we give way to temptation.

- These happen so that I hold on to His Word and prayer with an even greater measure of faith than I did before. Discovering sins, relational conflicts, hard-to-discern situations, all point to my need of God's guidance, personally and providentially.

- And so the reality is actually this; it's not that I wouldn't forsake God, because of some noble quality that I have within me, but simply that He wouldn't let go. I kept failing, but He kept coming back. Hosea redeemed his adulterous wife.

- To do right in His eyes is enough. Soli deo gloria.

-  Now I think I know why in the 1 Corinthians 13 description of love, it is first characterized as patient. Because while the lies of the world are sweet and mushy and agreeable, God's love is shown in its uncompromising persistence. We feel repulsed by His high, holy character at first, because it denies so much of us; but as the pretty, temporal things of the world fade away, He remains, and you realize He was always there.

- And what is more right than to uphold the most Righteous?

- You still have sin, and are accepted in Christ.

- God means to save you from sin in all that occur.

- There is still much to learn.

- You are only required to think for God's kingdom.

- Rewards await those who strive, including the reward of striving.

- A realization to counteract pride is knowing that everything, absolutely everything in a Christian's life is a received blessing. 

- There are a lot of secular intellectuals in the world, and they are still fools for not being obedient. And there are many quiet, humble Christians who are not very brilliant but are exceedingly wise to follow the Lord.

- In all things, never doubt that God is good and in control.

- Of course life would seem like a mess without God, without Christ. Life would just be a really bad joke, an awkward existence. It would be a terrible experience, to think that you're born into the world against your will and pulled out of it against your will, and not understanding why.

- But the error of trying not to think about the rewards is that we try to produce our own motivation. And it never works. How futile it is to try to separate God from His works and blessings.

- We're not merely meant to be anti-pride or anti-sloth. We're meant to be pro-God.
  
- God has written the greatest story of all time: history.

- How wonderful it is to forget all the cares of the world for a moment and realize that, in a way, everything's already perfect, locked in position for the immense glorification of the Lord, including my imperfect self.

- We humans can be so afraid of being wrong that, even when we make an initial wrong decision, we stand by it in order to somehow prove, by certain results, that we made the right decision after all. But living under sovereign justice, we simply can't expect to avoid reaping what we sow.

- We all, at one point or another, deeply desire for someone to look into our eyes with understanding, hold us, and assure us that we are acceptable. And yet, all along, there was this Christ, who looked upon me with more understanding about me than I'd like Him to have, saw all that I truly was, how completely unacceptable I am, and said to me, "I do not condemn you. Sin no more."

- Such intense psychological suffering was God's molding of me, I realize. I always thought that if I'm good enough, God will use me. But now I know that isn't true. He loves me more than that; His using of me is also His molding of me.

- It was an article that first brought to my attention how I ignored the relationship between the practical and the beautiful, for what is considered practical is founded on what is beautiful.

- Of course I will love my brothers and sisters in Christ more than I love those whom I can't identify as saints. And by doing so, I will learn to love the unbelievers more, too.

- I used to be afraid that I won't be able to make films, or get married, or grow old, because I was concerned that eternal life was void of these things. Now I understand that these ideas are idolatrous, because these things in life should do nothing more than point to the better things in store for us in eternity.

- It only takes a boy to do what he wants to do, but a man to do what he needs to do.

- The work of the Holy Spirit is humble and invisible. It is gentle and comforting. He does not mean to cause me pain, but seeks to bring me joy, and grieves in my stead. He teaches me lessons that ensure I understand. In the lineup of the economic Trinity, He appears to be the manifestation of the quiet and vulnerable. 

- Patience, my dear. Try to read the Bible, and don't lose hope in it. Try to pray, and don't lose hope in it. Don't lose hope the next time you mess up. Try harder. Sit down, and write down to yourself what you can do about it, and what to thank God for taking care of on your behalf.

- Therefore, God's love is a furious love, which does not fail to repay anyone who wrongs His object of love. God's wrath is a selfless wrath, eager to defend those who are worthy and glorious and beautiful. They do not contradict, and instead go hand in hand.

- The person of Christ is what everything is leading up to. When we talk about the glory of God, He is it.

- What do I have to think about that I have to think independently of God?

- Sinful men despise not only God's curses, but His blessings also. A great folly, this is. 


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A TIME TO KEEP SILENCE, AND A TIME TO SPEAK

I've always wanted an audience.

It's a temptation common to both artists and preachers. And I've been working hard to be both.

In doing so, I've given room for my most elusive vice to sabotage my communion with God: pride.

I've been seeking to find the root of my problems, and it seems that the vice of pride is one of the best perspectives from which to view my sin. I feel as if my mind is split in two, one for me and one for the world to see. Not to say that everybody should just spout their private stuff, but the motive is the issue.

Sadly, the worst thing is that I don't even notice how much I tend to try to steal God's glory until I see it in retrospect. And even in retrospect, many times I try to ignore it.

I believe this is another season for me to learn how to live for the eyes of God, and not for the eyes of men. Once it was the scorn of others that drove me to give up on how people saw me. But now I feel so loved, it is desire for coming before God with a pure heart that motivates me. I simply cannot rejoice in God's presence while I have a secret accumulation of my own glories. This has got to stop.

I will continue to write, but not here. I'd like to put away the distraction of writing publicly for some time. God is teaching me to be content with being silent, and watching Him work His sometimes weird wonders.

Because that is my primary means of serving Him: worship. Worship comes from beholding. The rest of my service would be seriously stained if my worship is impure.

I will return to my blog when I find it appropriate. I think I would at least stop writing for a month. I hope that if I return, it will be for an irresistible desire to proclaim God's glory, the glory I hope I will find in the following weeks.