Infatuation; Transparency

INFATUATION

I thought that this would never happen to me again. I thought I was focused enough, strong enough.

I close my eyes and she would be one of the first images to appear beneath my eyelids, wearing her white dress and glowing smile.

During these few days, her cheeky mannerisms would get me and draw some response from me, however I tried to resist. I know I am not supposed to, but the truth is, I just couldn't see how someone like this would ever appear again. There is no other female I remember who could communicate wordlessly with me as fluently as she does.

This is ridiculous and I know it. I'm glad that these days have ended (though a little crushed as well), and I would most likely only see her rarely from now on. This will go away with time.

One good thing that arose out of this was that I discovered how this kind of "love" isn't really love. Love places importance on the person being loved. My little crush is not so; I am merely attracted to her because she makes me feel important. She makes me feel like she needs me (though the truth is probably far from that). Narcissistic, yes?

I would only encourage her to draw near to God if I truly loved her, because I know clearly that He is the ultimate treasure. I would stay away from what seems to be her approaches, because I know that the time is not right, that God has what's right in store for the both of us.

My problem is that I hate to be hated, which means that I love to be loved. But am I not supposed to love even when I am hated? Isn't the living Spirit of Christ within me to empower me to act as He does?

And what do I see in her that is so attractive? Not godly qualities, as far as I know. What am I doing, then?

This is my grand moment of weakness and wretchedness. I didn't think I would slip into such deep foolishness ever again, and yet here I am, an unloving, selfish boy thinking of robbing a precious girl of the blessings she could have in her marriage.

I am so ashamed.

Father, again I ask, cleanse me.


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TRANSPARENCY

I feel more and more transparent before my fellow brothers and sisters. And I think this is happening involuntarily.

Something to be happy and thankful about, I suppose.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
(James 5:16)