Rugged, Narrow Path

ARE WE THERE YET?

I've lost sight of what the future holds. Yesterday I was sure, today I rethink.

I'm still caught up in the narrowness of youthfulness. To a great degree I still live based on what I feel. I find that there are things of the world that I still miss. Being liked by many. Having a special, distinct persona. Singing all night and day. Dreams of the future. Trying to inch closer to a crush.

Being proud and playing god.

Behold, I am a living paradox! My heart runs in two opposite directions. Yet in this tug-of-war, God will surely not lose. I must never look back. I must not.

I have daydreams of myself trying to let the world understand that I'm not a freak. I try, in my mind, to somehow find a way to not look like a fool to the world. I would love to fit comfortably into their midst. But I forget that we have absolutely nothing in common, except that we all need God to save us from sin. That is not a common ground the world would readily accept, and it is one they spit on.

Yet, it is so real. How unlikeable I would become in their eyes is so real. I realize that this is something I'm not ready to lose. I'm not ready to fight the world, because I still, to some degree, call it home. It is my throne, the place where I can feel like a god, where I'm praised for abilities I claim as my own.

The pride inside of me is a Goliath.

O, Root of David, slay it! I am but a shivering soldier cowering behind you as the giant towers over us. Against my sin, I stand no chance. Slay it, I plead!

I must look away! Away with my stupid little feelings! Away with trying to be someone in this world! I was nothing until God formed me, and my identity remains tied to Him! The stories I create do not make me who I am, but the story of my life that He writes for me does!

Oh God, the struggle is going to be enormous. I shall struggle against powers and principalities and modern intellectuals and false prophets and divisions in the church, but now I'm just a boy, and the prospect of that scares me. It scares me because it's so real, and it's coming for me.

My God, how much I wish we could behold You with an unbroken gaze despite the waves that rise up around us. How I wish we would stop counting on ourselves and find peace in the truth that You know and control all things. It is always painful to count on ourselves. Always.

I'm frightened and in despair. Comfort me, Spirit of gentleness and mercy.

I'm sorry for my complaints. You deserve none of them.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,“
This the pledge to me He made.