Beholding Christ; Exponentially Increasing

TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS

You say, you find it hard to believe it [is] compatible with the divine purity to embrace or employ such a monster as yourself. [In thinking this, you] express not only a low opinion of yourself, which is right, but too low an opinion of the person, work, and promises of the Redeemer; which is certainly wrong. . . . Satan transforms himself into an angel of light. He sometimes offers to teach us humility; but though I wish to be humble, I desire not to learn in this school. His premises perhaps are true, that we are vile, wretched creatures—but he then draws abominable conclusions from them; and would teach us, that, therefore, we ought to question either the power, or the willingness, or the faithfulness of Christ. Indeed, though our complaints are good, so far as they spring from a dislike of sin; yet, when we come to examine them closely, there is often so much self-will, self-righteousness, unbelief, pride, and impatience mingled with them, that they are little better than the worst evils we can complain of. . . . You have not, you cannot have, anything in the sight of God, but what you derive from the righteousness and atonement of Jesus. If you could keep him more constantly in view, you would be more comfortable. He would be more honored. . . . Let us pray that we may be enabled to follow the apostle's, or rather the Lord's command by him, Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, Rejoice. We have little to rejoice in ourselves, but we have right and reason to rejoice in him.
("Letter XI, to the Rev. Mr. S.," Works of John Newton, Vol. 6, 185-187)


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EXPONENTIALLY INCREASING PAIN

I really still am a little kid, unable to get used to the severe suffering of the Christian life.

The concentration activities given to us in drama class seems to me like a metaphor of how this all feels. The most difficult one I've faced so far was when we were made to stare at a point on the wall, raise one hand up straight, and leap repeatedly on the same spot for an hour.

Sin degenerates our humanness so much; it makes us think that we deserve to feel comfortable and unchallenged all the time, and that freedom is the ability to do whatever you want to do. Yet, as mentioned by Ed Welch, if we look at Genesis chapters 1-3, the pinnacle of humankind is the ability to resist temptation, to not do what we feel like doing. And we lose more and more of our humanness, our image-of-God-ness, as we give way to temptation.

I remember that one hour. There was truly never a dull moment. As I started to get used to a certain pain, a new one sets in. First, my arm muscles hurt. Then, my thigh muscles. Then, the bones of my feet from hitting the ground. Then, the organs in my stomach hurt from being thrown up and down. It's probably not something healthy for one to do frequently.

Will I ever get used to this? Will I come to a point where I become so tough that I don't feel like I'm suffering? I don't think so, because of the way God molds us. He knows how hard He can push me, and it's certainly to a point where I will feel uncomfortable. He knows that although I feel like I'm thrown into such a great state of confusion that I wonder how I would get out, He also knows that I will be made new as He delivers me.

Because the problem is very real, the pain of healing should be very real too.

I was never really good with people. I hated society. I hated how my weaknesses are exposed. And I hated how some of my decisions, the consequences of my sin, become irreversible in the lives of others. I hated how everyone who came into contact with me seemed to die a little, because it gave testimony to what a monster I am.

People are not machines, and I can't just "fix" them; I know this. Yet I'm not quite sure how to stop treating them that way and to look to God for grace. Pride is a monster.

I'm not the persevering type of person, which is why I probably don't like to get too deeply involved in friendships too quickly, since I know that there is a certain amount of suffering in trying to reconcile differences, and for an unpredictable length of time. Time to forget these concerns and just be sincere.

The joy given to me will overwhelm my suffering, I believe.