Turbulence; Impulse

A TURBULENT SHIFT

To be honest, I did not expect our move to another church to cause such a reaction.

For matters of conscience, I cannot discuss in detail our reasons for leaving. This blog is too public for that.

Thus, there probably isn't much to write. I simply want to make a record of how the experience was.

I was completely alright and happy about going to a worship that my conscience does not cry out against, until I slowly realized how much of an impact our departure made. Is it their faithlessness? Is it concern for our apparent lack of faithfulness? I'm unsure how our God-given conviction to use our ammunition elsewhere is so controversial. We are but four people, and I don't see this as a political struggle, which is, I'm afraid, how some people see it without saying so.

Of course, this is a matter that is appropriately something for debate, but my simple conviction, like my father, is that God will take care of His sheep, no matter what. Nobody should doubt that, ever.

It is very flesh-killing to be on the receiving end of hostility. There is some sense of being labelled as traitors, or cowards who abandon ship. Not that it really bothers me, but it really is awkward during confrontations in public settings where you know you can't explain thoroughly, for the sake of some people who are unprepared to hear it.

The most interesting part about this transition, however, is seeing my father's change. It was only today that I realized how much our previous worship services bugged him. It was crippling his life. I was unknowingly being crippled, too.

I was a bit frantic in the midst of all the questions and skepticism, but my father had such a great sense of certainty and calm. There is also something mildly joyful about him for the past two weeks. It seems that having a freed conscience allows him to do more than I've ever seen him do, and speak with more passion and conviction and peace. He just looks much less troubled, much more relaxed. And that's quite something, considering how this new year seems to be fairly eventful.

Or maybe it's just me. It really is quite eventful for me.

This is seriously one of the happiest hymns to sing:

Thanks to God for my Redeemer,

Thanks for all Thou dost provide!

Thanks for times now but a mem’ry, 

Thanks for Jesus by my side!

Thanks for pleasant, balmy springtime,

Thanks for dark and stormy fall!

Thanks for tears by now forgotten,

Thanks for peace within my soul!

 

Thanks for prayers that Thou hast answered,

Thanks for what Thou dost deny!

Thanks for storms that I have weathered,

Thanks for all Thou dost supply!

Thanks for pain, and thanks for pleasure,

Thanks for comfort in despair!

Thanks for grace that none can measure,

Thanks for love beyond compare!

 

Thanks for roses by the wayside,

Thanks for thorns their stems contain!

Thanks for home and thanks for fireside,

Thanks for hope, that sweet refrain!

Thanks for joy and thanks for sorrow,

Thanks for heav’nly peace with Thee!

Thanks for hope in the tomorrow,

Thanks through all eternity!

* * * * *

TRYING TO PUT AWAY BOYISH DECISION-MAKING

In a fairly recent interview of John Piper, the interviewer asked him something like (paraphrased): "What fruit of the Spirit does this generation most lack?"

What kind of question is that? was my immediate, bewildered response. But John didn't seem to be taken aback by the question whatsoever, and suggested that we seem to lack most in the fruit of self-control.

No, this is not to say that the fruits of the Spirit are separate from one another, and I'm sure that neither the interviewer nor pastor Piper is trying to suggest that. It is simply to say that the fruit of self-control is probably the least treasured and most neglected in an age of rampant rebellion.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness should all sound alright to the people of today. Self-control sounds like a killjoy.

I realized how little self-control I have. To be clear, in the Bible the word is translated from the Greek word egkrateia, which refers to dominion, or control, proceeding out from within oneself, but not by oneself. Thus, what I'm really referring to is an obedience to the dominion of Christ through the Spirit in me.

Thanks be to God for gradually allowing me to see my own regular decision-making process. Truly, a great deal of the time, I put my trust in my impulses, my intuition. It is a self-confidence so deeply embedded that I could not notice it until God started getting my attention through some people I respect.

The "I do what I want, now" mentality is almost unchallenged in me. It is not so obvious to the people around me because it is so deceptive, I am so deceptive, that I have developed a system based on it that allows for me to seem godly. Of course, God Himself and godly people are not fooled.

The consequence of this is that I cannot settle down like a man should. I'm still driven by my impulses and emotions, trying to make some radical decisions that I hope would change everything, fix everything. It's the typical teenage me-against-the-world heroic mindset. I still very naturally think about things I want to think about. And that causes me to very naturally do things I want to do. And ridiculously I wonder why on earth I do or say some things that I shouldn't.

I am trying to be sober-minded. I must learn to do things I don't feel like doing (I know, I know, not that I'm going to purposefully do everything I don't feel like doing for the sake of doing so). Truth and facts and an organized system of thought are far too valuable to exchange for a speedy, exciting in-the-moment type of thought life, which I believe I currently have.

I'm glad, though, because I know that God is prodding me in that direction. And I'm getting there. I'm ready to say goodbye to the sinful impulses of youth.

It only takes a boy to do what he wants to do, but a man to do what he needs to do.