Kick-starting 2014

ADAPTING TO CHANGES

I'm not going to systematically organize this post into topics. I realize I haven't simply spouted my feelings for a while.

Back to school. I'm very anxious to get my remaining few books done so that I can really get on with other things, like completing the theology course homework before the deadline.

I also know that my teenage years are ending. This is really, really sobering, because I understand even more now how much time I have wasted that I could've used to grow into a real man.

For some reason, it seems harder to tell people my age when I'm 18 compared to when I'm 17. Somehow I thought that by the time I'm 18, I should be a man. I don't feel like a man. I still feel like a boy. I'm still in my T-shirt and short pants. I still lack much common sense and independence. I still struggle with insecurity before other people. I still cannot walk steadily and firmly before God.

And yet the time has come; I'm too big for the nest, and it's time for me to carefully drop over the edge, whether I feel ready or not.

I'd really like to get married. I find it one of the good things that God has given to us in this vapor of a lifetime. And I do take 1 Corinthians 7:9 to heart, because apparently I also "burn with passion". But as I draw closer to the realities of adulthood, I find that complexities lie ahead.

Marrying someone means you have to take care of her. I have no idea how much financial stability working in film will provide. In the event of a financial crisis, we might be among the first to go down, because nobody will want to pay to watch films then. Godly women are rare. I think women who'd willingly put up with a filmmaker are also rare. And then of course there's the fact that I can hardly take care of myself, not to mention anybody else.

Sure, it's not something I should worry about. Maybe I don't get to start a family in my life; that should be okay with me. I should examine my contentedness in Christ.

And then I'm having second-thoughts about making films... again. It's not about the financial aspect, I always knew that to work as an artist is to take a huge risk. But it seems that after the camp, I have developed such a burden for the church, for my brothers and sisters to know and grow in Christ, that I really just feel like spending all my time on them. Thus, there are moments of "Has God put in my a heart of pastoral care?".

I think about whether I should just simply get a stable job that would not take up too much of my time, and just pour my life into the church. But then I remember why I want to make films in the first place, and I'm a little caught between the two passions. Because honestly, I wouldn't want to encourage the saints to watch movies more than I'd want to discourage them from doing so, especially in this time and age. But then I don't really know what I want to do other than film or write. Never explored other possibilities, except for chemistry.

My family and I moved to a new church, City Discipleship Presbyterian Church, if I remember the name correctly. It was a nice temporary compromise, since we could go to the worship service at CDPC and go back to KPC for Sunday school and Agape fellowship, while we sought replacements. Now apparently, someone is finally going to take over my father's class.

I feel a bit torn, really. On one hand, it's only natural that if you start worshiping at a certain church, you start to serve in that same congregation. But on the other hand, I suddenly realized how much I would miss my brothers and sisters in KPC. I mean the true ones.

I was 16 years old, it was December, we were going to stay overnight at teacher Mei Fang's house, and I confessed to everyone how alone I felt in the faith. I remember the one or two years before that night. A culture of repentance and godliness was virtually nonexistent. Sure, at that point, there was Stephen and Francis, and Simon was just around the corner, but we were significantly weaker, and each fellowship was somewhat quite draining, because I would really want to get the people in battle mood, and would fail more frequently than not.

And then, slowly, the miraculous happened right under my nose. While I was struggling with my insecurities and oh-what-a-bad-leader-I-am, God was working. Now we have a small group of troops. These weak, sinful people who are nevertheless called by God's Spirit and are repeatedly broken before Him.

Now I am faced with the possibility of being quite distanced from them.

I don't know, but realizing that amongst the fleeting crowds of the "international zone", there are some who were somehow always there with me, makes me like them a lot. It makes me put hope in the future. I always liked to imagine that even after ten years down the road, we'd still be this strong group of Christians, united in heart, serving the church.

I know that this isn't the end, I don't buy that absurdity. But maybe the idea of starting over again doesn't appeal to me so much. Perhaps it's because I realize that I have no power whatsoever to start anything that worries me. It was always God, and I should trust Him.

I'm slightly disappointed by my own sharing, at both Renewed and Agape. Recently I keep sharing about the hope of eternal life I've learned about that empowers me. But not only do they not seem to feel the glory and hopefulness of it all, they seem a little discouraged that they can't, which is missing the point again. I feel responsible for my laziness in the past week, because I could've prepared much better. But then also I cannot seem to remember how it was for me when I also could not come to believe deeply in the goodness of eternity in heaven, so it was difficult to respond to that mindset which I've lost much of.

Now that I realize they live without such goodness empowering them, I feel a weighty burden. Because I remember what it was like, and I hate that anybody else has to live in that chaos, especially my brothers and sisters. I wanted to help. I prayed. I found it hard to sleep just now.

I wrote this post, in which you will see the weaknesses in my regular thoughts.

May God light my path.