Heartache

I'M SORRY

For all my negligence to You, for all the bad things I've caused, for every proud look I've had, for every arrogant word I've said, for every time I put Your name to shame, I'm sorry.

I just wish I knew what exactly to do. I don't even know what to do anymore.

My brothers and sisters in my fellowship, perhaps it sometimes seem that I care more for my ego than anything else. Perhaps it seems I don't care about you. I wouldn't dare say that I do care, either. But tonight, and for many weeks, my heart has been troubled when I consider each of you. It hurts.

Maybe I'm just putting on a show for myself. That's who I am, always the showman.

But after several weeks of restlessness, stolen sleep, I find that the pain is quite real. This would be a little too costly for a play pretend.

I have no hugs or smiles or soft words, but I know I have God. Take Him. Take Him.

Or, I will come after you. I don't care whether you like me, or even whether I like you. God is gracious, and I will give you as many chances as I can possibly give, to the worst of humiliation and greatest of suffering.

Oh God, take them.