Year 2013: Part 2

YEAR 2013: PART 2

Items that really defined 2013 for me include:
- Preparation for much-hoped-for future career in film
- The visit to Sarawak
- Port Dickson youth camp


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WARILY TREADING THE PATH OF AN ARTIST

I gave up the idea of making movies at the beginning of the year. I found that, to me, it was an idolatrous ambition, and I set it down. However, later on this year, it came back in a new form.

I reconsidered this ambition because I realized, after coming across a particular theological view on art, that I really could worship God by this means.

It was an article that first brought to my attention how I ignored the relationship between the practical and the beautiful, for what is considered practical is founded on what is beautiful. We think that it's practical to get a degree and get a job with stable income only because we believe that there is beauty in life that motivates us to keep going.

We believe that it is practical to be effective and efficient in preaching to the nations because God is beautiful and worth worshiping forevermore.

I later read Art and the Bible by Francis Schaeffer, which I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, and almost immediately I reconsidered becoming a filmmaker, because it expressed in Biblical terms the passion I once had for movies. Sure, my initial ambition was sorely pride-driven, but I also had a real desire to capture the glory of God in this medium. It was a desire to express God's worthiness with something louder than shouting: a structured combination of words, visuals, and music.

I wanted, as I did ever since I was young, to be a storyteller.

Although I was frequently told that I'm very scientifically minded, once again, I am not fooled by the postmodern concept that structure dilutes beauty. In fact, I believe that structure empowers and is part of beauty. Thus, with my systematic mind, I will attempt to delve into a career that deals with more "personal" subject matter, for God is both the source of order and of personality.

Part of my passion is to prove that Christians actually can, from the heart, believe in that Gospel that we preach, because it is difficult to sing, dance, write poetry, and make films about something you do not have passion and love for. There are songs and poems and visual art that express God's attributes, but sadly, I have seen few Christian films and few dances that really gave me an impression of the artist's passion for God. Maybe it's tougher in these areas because it's a very directly human performance.

Even in my personal attempt to do so in Chroniac and Christ, I consider myself to have failed. I've perhaps presented a Biblical, depressing view of the condition of mankind, but the Gospel part of the film was not strong enough, because at that point even I myself did not have enough passion for a God-centered Gospel, and also my view of eternal life was fairly bleak during then.

What is NOT part of my passion is to bring major change to society and culture, with the view that movies have a great influence on the broad culture. My intention is not to "soften up" unbelievers to believe in the Gospel. Not that I deny that there is possibility of cultural change or of getting the attention of unbelievers, but I simply do not believe that not having movies will hinder the spread of the Gospel and the advancement of God's kingdom.

I do not believe that making Christian films is a "church ministry", in the narrow sense. It is a ministry in the broad sense that it is my worship to God, just like any other regular career. Thus, I'm very concerned about the focus on calling this the "age of visuals". That may be true in some way, but we must not pretend that a mere change in methods will result in revival. We need to preach repentance and salvation in the church, in the weekly worship, where there are rightly some restrictions on art to prevent distraction.

In conclusion, I no longer see the filmmaker as one whose voice will have more influence than the pastor's, but merely one who serves humbly in his area of work.

I am wary though, because it's obviously unsafe to have a career involving so much aesthetic and feeling, especially in this postmodern age. That is probably why I believe my analytical thinking suitable for scrutinizing everything as I go along in this career. However, I still have my uncertainties.

Sure, there are many internal and external suggestions that this will be the path God wills for me, but I also understand that at this point, movies still have an idolatrous power over me. I need to deal with sin, and put creation under the Creator.


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TESTIMONY TO A CHURCH IN SARAWAK

During August this year, I went on a trip to a Baptist church in Sarawak to which Dr. Samuel Ling was an adviser.

It was quite a privilege, because I am but a teenage boy, and given the task to share to the other teenagers in that church what we've learned in our church. It seems even less fitting that Dr. Sam was leading the small team, including my parents, me, and Francis.

Part of Dr. Sam's intention was to encourage the church body by having "regular believers" like us share about the great things we've understood and experienced. Thus, very simply, that's what we did.

I consider it a great moment for me this year, because I was blessed with an opportunity to truly examine myself as I prepared to share to the church. We went there for three days, but I only shared for two sessions, totaling to around three hours of speaking; so it's not hard to imagine the great amount of time for personal reflection in the hotel room, in the warm bath.

Firstly, it was a great turning point for me in how I viewed the changes that were occurring in the fellowship, because when I got there, they were also facing almost the same problems. Their fellowship was teaching the Shorter Catechism and boring teenagers to death. It made me accept more that I could not possibly get every single person to stay in the fellowship if we were going to preach the true Word of God. It was helpful to distance myself for a while from what I considered to be my burden, and see things the way God sees things, not the carnal ways certain church members did.

Also, it was a fruitful personal review of the most important truths I've learned these few years: repentance and God's Word. Those were the two topics I shared with the youths, and was, in my opinion, an effective summary of what God had taught me ever since the reform in our Sunday school and fellowships began. I used one sentence, "Repent, and believe and obey the Word", to describe what it means to be a true Christian. It was an occasion of thanksgiving and also much fear, because it was during my preparation that I realized how incredibly heavy and important those doctrines were, and I really had to know what I was talking about.

Another memorable part about the visit was that Dr. Sam was our team leader. It really appalls me, how much of just being around him can affect me. When you see him teach or preach, you see the grandness and faithfulness of his theology. But if you somehow manage to stick around, his humility is quite surprising, and you see that he really does mean much of what he says, because his life is truly one of submission. You don't see many pastors of his stature admitting their uncertainties or listening very attentively to "regular believers", but he did, and it was very encouraging.

The way he unites high theology with down-to-earth life is also illustrated in how he jumbled up our plans for sharing, right before the day we were going to share. It indirectly revealed our self-consciousness in our initial preparation, because we were probably too absorbed with our own sharing to concern ourselves with how much the listeners would be able to understand. He gave our sharing a more attractive and passionate structure. And this later influenced the way I planned programs for the fellowship.

Right before we left for the airport, we were at a restaurant for dinner. I was eating really slow, as usual, and we had to leave quickly. At the last minute, I began to forcefully stuff whatever was left into my mouth, and Dr. Sam, who was sitting beside me, gave me a pat on the back and told me to relax.

That was not the first time someone attempted to correct my eating habits, but when he said it, I was somehow quite sure that he saw more than just my eating habits. He probably saw, under a cover of youthful godliness, a nervous little boy who hasn't learned to trust God yet.

I probably found it hard to trust anybody else who told me to relax, because I also saw anxiety in them. But when someone who's really learned to trust God over the years tells me that I can do the same, there's something very credible about that.

Of course, even if his intentions were not so deep, I at least know that God's were. Because I understood then, that even in all these great roles of responsibility, I can still freely admit my weaknesses and trust God. And it is joyful.


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FELLOWSHIP IN THE LIGHT

On Christmas eve, I realized that the sin in my heart includes this statement: "I want God out of my life."

It was a terrible realization that came from asking myself what God really meant to me. And, being in a state of little desire for God, and much desire for an idol that shall not be named, that's honestly what I felt.

Of course, it immediately brought a surge of despair followed by a sense of true need for Christ to save me, which is surely why it was necessary for God to reveal it to me.

That was a precursor to the camp, which lasted from December 26 to 28.

It was cool, the camp was. You don't usually get more than 80% of youths in a room confessing that they're not true believers, even though they have been in church for years. It was great because a lot of the youths were truly beginning to think about their salvation. It was also very cool because you get quite a number of 21st century teenagers listening to hours of sermon, which is rare, and very good training.

For me, the portion in 1 John about loving the body of Christ was an answer to the desperate question that bothered me since Christmas eve: "What do I do, Lord?" Before I heard this, I was feeling very lost indeed, knowing that part of me hated God, knowing that I had nothing to give Him, and feeling very unworthy of the salvation I believed I had. And so I kept begging God to let me have assurance regarding how I am to serve Him, because I really wanted to.

Hearing that I serve God by serving my brothers and sisters, I immediately became comfortable in my "clique", knowing that I must strengthen the bonds that are already there between those of us with similar conviction. The carnal notion of treating everyone in the world in exactly the same manner was scrapped. Of course I will love my brothers and sisters in Christ more than I love those whom I can't identify as saints. And by doing so, I will learn to love the unbelievers more, too.

For some reason I can't remember for the life of me, I also gained a greater hope in eternal life. Before the camp, I was a little displeased at the idea of being taken away by the Lord at a young age, because I seemed to believe there are some things in this life that cannot be found in eternity. But I realized that just as the New Testament is so much better and complete than the Old, so will the consummation of all things be better than the last days.

I used to be afraid that I won't be able to make films, or get married, or grow old, because I was concerned that eternal life was void of these things. Now I understand that these ideas are idolatrous, because these things in life should do nothing more than point to the better things in store for us in eternity. My worship of God in eternity will far exceed the glory of movies that I can make on earth, the marriage of the church to Christ will overshadow any romance that occurs on earth, and eternal joy in the works of the Lord will render nostalgia on earth a petty thing.

This hope gives me a very, very powerful motivation to choose what is right over what seems easy, because I know that I will not regret it in eternity. Especially with my brothers and sisters, I attempt to say and do what is uncomfortable but needed, because I know that when we smile at each other in eternity, I won't be complaining.

Thus, a very clear goal was set for my life in 2014: I will joyfully seek God with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Nothing more and nothing less.

Oh God, thank You so much for entrusting to me all the pain and pleasure that I've experienced in this year. Your way is always correct.

Continue to deal with me and guide me.

In the glorious name of Jesus Christ, amen.