To Feel Myself Beloved (By God)

PERSONAL UPDATE, MARCH 2015

I read through my journal today out of a need to reflect. Then I felt that it would be nice to share some of it as a source of encouragement.

A lot of the entries might seem really random, but note that sometimes I don't write them in one go, but at different times throughout the day.


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January 4

Never pity yourself; it is of no benefit to others.

Fear God and nothing else can scare you, because you will realize that there is nothing more terrifying than our sovereign God who is holy.

Still trying to overcome my social disability. Internally, I'm dealing with my pride and selfishness by the Word of God and prayer. Externally, I'm learning to say hi. A greeting is important because it signals the beginning of a relationship, in the context of which all conversations are held.

Had a great time of prayer today. Wept before the Lord, who keeps my tears in a bottle. May God help me to put my confidence in Him, not in my intelligence, my looks, my good works, what others think of me, whether I feel pleasant, what I see around me, my awareness of my need, nor my awareness of His grace, but only in Him.

Good night.


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January 5

Israel never lost a battle for not fighting hard enough; each time they lost was due to a lack of faith.

School begins! Good morning! Another day to fight my vices.


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January 6

Feeling hardened.

In my thoughts, wondered: what is it that I really seek? I realized that I'm hardly ever persuaded to pursue God apart from seeing the ugliness in my own life. What if God removes my social obstacles? What if I'm one day able to be confident before people instead of trembling? What reason will I have to always be broken and penitent before God?

I need to fear Him. I need to see His wrath as my greatest problem. I also need to see my sin as my greatest problem. Sin and death, my mortal enemies. Jesus my Savior.


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January 7

What is prayer? Is prayer an act of dealing with one's own spiritual life? Is it our way of "handling" the spiritual aspect of our lives, like the way we handle our physical health, our finances, our schedules, our mentality, and our relationships? Or is it God's way of handling us, to rule over us as Lord?

"But the LORD is in his holy temple;
    let all the earth keep silence before him."
(Habakkuk 2:20)

Good morning! Another day to NOT grumble. Jesus is victorious!


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January 9

Read Psalm 8 today morning. Beautiful song about how the glory of God is revealed, how God intends to shock the world by crowning the weak and lowly with His glory.

God is glorious, God is wonderful. Do I believe that enough? Am I able to say:

"Though the fig tree should not blossom,
    nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation."
(Habakkuk 3:17-18)


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January 17

Saturday. Woke up very sick, with a painful swollen throat and a headache. Could hardly eat anything. Felt that it was God afflicting me for my sins. Was sober that morning, can't remember even cracking a smile. Wanted to take my punishment seriously. Was touched when God gave me two providential meals of porridge through my mother and teacher Mei Fang, both of whom prepared the meals without knowing I was sick. God of gentleness.

Also, Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. What a model girl! So desirable.


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January 19

God hears the voice of the silent,
His eyes see those in the shadows
Who do not rise up for themselves,
But who lift their weeping eyes and say,
"I will not touch God's appointed ones,
Though they are mad, I hold my peace."

Behold, the time is coming
When the LORD of hosts shall arise.
Many believe not that it draws near;
They mock the humble and submissive.
Yet when the LORD thunders,
Their hands will fly to their mouths,
And flustered kings and leaders will say,
"Woe to me, what have I done?"
 
Obey your leaders, honor your parents,
For their authority is from God,
And they will be judged more severely.
As for you, why should you be judged
For disrespect and rebellion?
God hears the voice of the silent,
His eyes see those in the shadows
Who do not rise up for themselves.

God appoints mad kings out of deep wisdom;
He establishes evil leaders for our good.


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January 20

How much longer do I have to drag myself out of bed? Where is the joy and wonder of being a Christian? Why am I still looking backward to see Sodom and Gomorrah?

I realize that there are so many things in this life I desire, all built around my life goal. Tonight I came to know my true life goal, and it is this vision of myself getting a degree, studying theology, becoming a prodigious and likeable pastor, having involvement in the arts as I grow up (hopefully write stories, work in film), becoming a respected expert in various disciplines, writing widely acclaimed books, perhaps having a beautiful wife and a happy family with excellent and godly children, and leaving behind an incredible legacy.

"And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth."—Raymond Carver.

Ambition is a crafty beast that dies hard.

This was a life goal I had never shared with God. Indeed, I don't think I was even fully aware I had it. But now it has to go. New goal: know God, love God, trust God, follow God, glorify God.

This unpopular path I shall follow. But communion with God is far better than human acceptance and admiration.

Thank God for answering my prayer in allowing me to know what I truly wanted.


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January 22

How can one fight this impossible war if he does not believe in a sure victory?

I need to live in the victory of Christ, or I can do nothing. And the victory of Christ is what He already did to free the world from sin and death. I must fight by faith, and faith is the recognition and reliance upon the gracious redemption of God, and its fruit is the confidence to fight greater enemies, which are the devil, the flesh, and the world. I must not consider myself enslaved, I must NOT relent.


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January 26

Every crisis is granted that we correct ourselves and grow in the adoration of God.

It is because you believe in a God who works little that you are beset with sluggishness. Remember that God is always, always working, whether you perceive it or not. "But Jesus answered them, 'My father is working until now, and I am working.'" (John 5:17)

Pursue God and gain great wisdom;
Pursue great wisdom and gain madness.

Behold and be new. You become what you worship.


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January 28

There is no courage without fear.

1 Chronicles was nice. Its ending reminded me of the ending of Exodus, where preparations were made for the presence of God to be among the Israelites.

What a glorious theme in the Bible. We begin at Eden, where God was present with man. After Adam was cast out, a problem was introduced: how can we ever be together with God again? As the narrative moves along, we see that God selects a group of rather unremarkable people to be present with. He manifests His presence in the tabernacle and the temple, where those who wish to draw near have to be cleansed. Then God comes in the flesh, and sinners drew near and touched him, and they did not die, but were comforted and healed. Then God came at Pentecost and lived inside us, being united to our souls in a profound, inconceivable way, sharing our every groan in anticipation of glory, and transforming us into the very image of God.

How do we get together with God? It is already done in Christ for us. We receive the Holy Spirit by faith. And we must never again insult Him by thinking that we are lonely.


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January 29

I just realized yesterday that I had my own toilet. Imagine that! I suddenly felt pathetic that I was feeling how terrible my life is. Some people don't even have the privilege to stand in the shower and lament about their lives. I, however, have my own toilet! What am I doing with my vast resources? Am I doing this?:

"You have an abundance of workmen: stonecutters, masons, carpenters, and all kinds of craftsmen without number, skilled in working gold, silver, bronze, and iron. Arise and work! The LORD be with you!"
(1 Chronicles 22:15-16)


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February 2

Felt worldly from the very moment I woke up. It is amazing how just two days in the world can cause me to forget who I am.

What is my complaint? Possibly that God seems perfectly fine with people hating Him and ridiculing His people. It makes Him seem cold and stubborn, and somewhat tactless. We have to argue and plead for people to come, yet all the power to save souls is in His hands. He appears to me tightfisted and ungenerous. And He seems so silent. And I'm just tired.

I'm sorry. That is my sincere sentiment.

Gosh, I really have to be hated in order to be faithful. Perhaps that is the glory of it, that we give up wealth, pleasure, and acceptance in order to gain Christ. That highlights His immense value.

Why is Christ valuable to me? Is it not because He saves me from that terrible, terrible wrath? Is it not because He is just perfect? Is it not because He gave and continues to give me countless chances to live again?

I am not my own.


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February 6

Thank God for giving a wretch a good night's rest.

Thought a lot today about how much of my effort is geared towards impressing the opposite gender. It's disgusting but it's true.

I keep thinking about myself, "I have to be more than this, I have to be more than this..." But why? And what standard am I measuring myself up against? The scrutiny of females? Ultimately, I'm still self-consumed. Still overly concerned about what I have to be.

Dear God, don't let external pressure tempt me and rob me of my quest for the sight of Your glory. Give me back my first love. Cannot I learn to be excited about You? Satisfy me, I beg You!

Make me surrender.


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February 11

Had an exam for my theology class. One of the questions asked about the relation between Eden and Canaan. After writing down the answer, which related to being cast out of God's presence for covenant-breaking, I sat there for a while and let it sink in.

Is it right to judge my current condition as having been cast out? Is that characteristic of the new covenant?

No, God had always been with me all this while. Through my failures, my sickness, my insecurity, he remains as a gentle voice in me. I have to believe that, or I have no hope whatsoever. I must believe that flaws in me do not negate the fact that the Spirit lives in me.

Stand strong, Josh. Never give up your fight.


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February 18

I've been writing less. Perhaps it means that I'm relying less upon the security of my reflections, which is a good thing.

Of course, I still need to reflect. So that's one of the things I'll be doing this CNY.

Alright, what now? I gotta make good use of my holiday. Gotta stop wasting time, gotta expend all my energy and time for love!

Writing projects: Spiritual warfare (blog)
Reading projects: 1 Cor. 13:1-7, 1 Sam. 27, 2 Chr., Introduction to the Old Testament, morning readings.
Prayer projects: Brothers (especially Dao Yi), church, opportunities for gospel engagement, national and global concerns. 


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Hope that wasn't too much.

Love this song, it reminds me of the deep longing I have inside for the day where all sin, suffering, and doubt will cease.

 

About Me

A SUMMARY OF MY EXISTENCE UP UNTIL NOW

I wrote this for my college application. A pretty nice reflection of my life, I feel.

                By divine decree, I was born into a Chinese Christian family in Malaysia.

                My earliest struggles in life mostly had to do with my extreme timidity, because as a child, I was borderline autistic. I was fortunate, however, because my mother noticed my condition and quickly did her best to pull me out of it before it became too hard to cure. Yet, remnants of it plagued me and actually shaped my personality as I grew.

My intense introversion determined most of my personal interests in life. I had a general dislike for new things, so I mostly didn’t take interest in going outdoors. I usually avoided people, because I was very insecure and had a haunting fear that people would dislike me or see me as strange. As a result, I loved books, movies, and video games, since such things had the power to excite me without putting me at any real risk. Out of this grew my passion for arts and aesthetics and, consequently, my love for stories.

I started to homeschool when my family and I went to live in China for several years; I was about six years old then. Having little knowledge of the education system in China, my mother decided to bring along Alpha Omega’s LIFEPAC homeschool curriculum instead of enrolling me at a school there. As I consider it, it was a very solid, liberal-arts-ish education, which consisted of five subjects: language arts, mathematics, science, history & geography, and Bible. It served to greatly open up my thinking and at the same time inform me much about my own religion.

Homeschooling was rather easy for me because of my love for reading; thus, I had lots of free time, much of which I wisely devoted to the rewarding activity of daydreaming. I spent much time making up my own stories, and by the time I was eight years old, I tried to write my first novel. My love for fiction grew as I played fantasy games and also began to read the Harry Potter books. It was not long before I decided that I wanted to be a filmmaker, and this remained my aspiration for a very, very long time.

I returned from China to Malaysia when I was nine years old. I stopped homeschooling, and was enrolled in a primary school, where I had to be surrounded by people every day, and thus had to learn how to live in a more social environment. I also had the opportunity to study two other languages, Mandarin and Malay. However, frightened of the fierce teachers and stressed out by loads of homework, I returned to homeschooling after merely two years of studying in primary school.

I began going to a homeschool center, and I very quickly lost the disciplined life I had while I was in primary school, and began what I would like to call a “virtual life”. I became addicted to gaming, and I quickly became lost in my fantasy worlds. I also discovered computer animation, and I started to create some of my own amateur works. I put up my works on YouTube and on online forums where people did the same thing. For those few years, I became part of the internet culture.

                A turning point came when I was asked to participate in a play in church. This was something of a breakthrough for me, because I was immensely frightened of going onstage, let alone play a lead character (which I did). Yet I agreed to do it precisely because I was aware of my timidity, which I hoped to overcome. It was a great experience, and after being involved in a few more plays, I joined a drama club.

                The same year I joined the drama club was also the year I left my homeschool center. For an entire year, I studied alone at home. It was a rather lonely year, but as a result it turned out to be the year where I had most time to think and philosophize. A sense of vanity led me to seek the meaning of life, and think about my own beliefs. I sought out numerous articles on the internet that had to do with philosophy. As a result, I secretly became an agnostic, and I relaxed my Christian convictions.

                This didn’t last for long though. By divine providence, I started to hear from several Christian speakers that defended the authority of the Bible and the authenticity of the Christian faith. Many riddles in my heart were thus solved, and I slowly regained my belief in Christianity. My religious awakening came to a climax when I was fifteen, when I heard a sermon that distinguished between true and false Christians. Almost every criterion that the preacher mentioned seemed to put me in the “hypocrites” side. His directness shattered my religious pride, and I was especially cut to the heart when he asked, “Do you desire God? Do you have a passion for God?”

                I was convicted by his question because I knew that my answer was, “No.” Even though I grew up in a Presbyterian church and seemed like a good boy who was even more religious than his peers, I knew deep inside that it wasn’t God that I cared for. I cared for a certain self-image. I cared for a movement that I was involved in. But my heart was cold towards God himself. Realizing this, after the sermon, for the first time I earnestly prayed for God to change my heart.

                This eventually turned out to be the greatest event in my life. Everything changed after that night, because I found the meaning of life. I realized that everything existed for the glory of God, and thus everything I do must be done for the same objective. I managed to put off my gaming addiction. I began to spend more time studying the doctrines and philosophy of Christianity. I learned to stop worrying about whether or not people like me, and instead think about whether or not I love them as myself. I also realized that fields of study were filled with the glory of God. Aesthetics became even more exciting, because God is the ultimate origin and standard of beauty. History became exciting, because it's a grand, glorious story written by God. And time would fail me to tell of linguistics, psychology, the natural sciences, philosophy, mathematics, and many others. Everything changed.

                [Last] year, after graduating from my homeschool curriculum, I spent several months in intense Biblical and theological study. The things I learned were so rich and satisfying that I became saddened when I considered pursuing a career as a filmmaker, because then I would have very little time for such rewarding study. This, coupled with my concern for the churches here in Malaysia, eventually persuaded me to consider going into full-time Christian ministry. Thus, my filmmaking dream finally came to an end, though I usually don’t think of it as such; I would rather say that I have chosen to bring beauty to the world by other means.

               

John M. Frame's Advice

I'm putting this here for my own future reference. Nope, I haven't decided that I want to be a theologian. But this is sage advice for any believer, really, especially the intellectual ones.


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30 SUGGESTIONS FOR THEOLOGICAL STUDENTS AND YOUNG THEOLOGIANS

In response to the question “what advice would you offer to theological students and young theologians as they face a lifetime of theological work?”, John Frame gives the following 30 (!) point answer:

1. Consider that you might not really be called to theological work. James 3:1 tells us that not many of us should become teachers and that teachers will be judged more strictly. To whom much (biblical knowledge) is given, of them shall much be required.
2. Value your relationship with Christ, your family, and the church above your career ambitions. You will influence more people by your life than by your theology. And deficiencies in your life will negate the influence of your ideas, even if those ideas are true.
3. Remember that the fundamental work of theology is to understand the Bible, God’s Word, and apply it to the needs of people. Everything else—historical and linguistic expertise, exegetical acuteness and subtlety, knowledge of contemporary culture, and philosophical sophistication—must be subordinated to that fundamental goal. If it is not, you may be acclaimed as a historian, linguist, philosopher, or critic of culture, but you will not be a theologian.
4. In doing the work of theology (the fundamental work, #3), you have an obligation to make a case for what you advocate. That should be obvious, but most theologians today haven’t a clue as to how to do it. Theology is an argumentative discipline, and you need to know enough about logic and persuasion to construct arguments that are valid, sound, and persuasive. In theology, it’s not enough to display knowledge of history, culture, or some other knowledge. Nor is it enough to quote people you agree with and reprobate people you don’t agree with. You actually have to make a theological case for what you say.
5. Learn to write and speak clearly and cogently. The best theologians are able to take profound ideas and present them in simple language. Don’t try to persuade people of your expertise by writing in opaque prose.
6. Cultivate an intense devotional life and ignore people who criticize this as pietistic. Pray without ceasing. Read the Bible, not just as an academic text. Treasure opportunities to worship in chapel services and prayer meetings, as well as on Sunday. Give attention to your “spiritual formation,” however you understand that.
7. A theologian is essentially a preacher, though he typically deals with more arcane subjects than preachers do. But be a good preacher. Find some way to make your theology speak to the hearts of people. Find a way to present your teaching so that people hear God’s voice in it.
8. Be generous with your resources. Spend time talking to students, prospective students, and inquirers. Give away books and articles. Don’t be tightfisted when it comes to copyrighted materials; grant copy permission to anybody who asks for it. Ministry first, money second.
9. In criticizing other theologians, traditions, or movements, follow biblical ethics. Don’t say that somebody is a heretic unless you have a very good case. Don’t throw around terms like “another gospel.” (People who teach another gospel are under God’s curse.) Don’t destroy people’s reputations by misquoting them, quoting them out of context, or taking their words in the worst possible sense. Be gentle and gracious unless you have irrefutable reasons for being harsh.
10. When there is a controversy, don’t get on one side right away. Do some analytical work first, on both positions. Consider these possibilities: (a) that the two parties may be looking at the same issue from different perspectives, so they don’t really contradict; (b) that both parties are overlooking something that could have brought them together; (c) that they are talking past one another because they use terms in different ways; (d) that there is a third alternative that is better than either of the opposing views and that might bring them together; (e) that their differences, though genuine, ought both to be tolerated in the church, like the differences between vegetarians and meat-eaters in Romans 14.
11. If you get a bright idea, don’t expect everybody to get it right away. Don’t immediately start a faction to promote it. Don’t revile those who haven’t come to appreciate your thinking. Reason gently with them, recognizing that you could be wrong and arrogant to boot.
12. Don’t be reflexively critical of everything that comes out of a different tradition. Be humble enough to consider that other traditions may have something to teach you. Be teachable before you start teaching them. Take the beam out of your own eye.
13. Be willing to reexamine your own tradition with a critical eye. It is unreasonable to think that any single tradition has all the truth or is always right. And unless theologians develop critical perspectives on their own denominations and traditions, the reunion of the body of Christ will never take place. Don’t be one of those theologians who are known mainly for trying to make Arminians become Calvinists (or vice versa).
14. See confessional documents in proper perspective. It is the work of theology, among other things, to rethink the doctrines of the confessions and to reform them, when necessary, by the Word of God. Do not assume that everything in the confession is forever settled.
15. Don’t let your polemics be governed by jealousy, as when a theologian feels bound to be entirely negative toward the success of a megachurch.
16. Don’t become known as a theologian who constantly takes potshots at other theologians or other Christians. The enemy is Satan, the world, and the flesh.
17. Guard your sexual instincts. Stay away from Internet pornography and illicit relationships. Theologians are not immune from the sins that plague others in the church.
18. Be active in a good church. Theologians need the means of grace as much as other believers. This is especially important when you are studying at a secular university or liberal seminary. You need the support of other believers to maintain proper theological perspective.
19. Get your basic training at a seminary that teaches the Bible as the Word of God. Become well-grounded in the theology of Scripture before you go off (as you may, of course) to get firsthand exposure to nonbiblical thought.
20. Come to appreciate the wisdom, even theological wisdom, of relatively uneducated Christians. Don’t be one of those theologians who always has something negative to say when a simple believer describes his walk with the Lord. Don’t look down at people from what Helmut Thielicke called “the high horse of enlightenment.” Often, simple believers know God better than you do, and you need to learn from them, as did Abraham Kuyper, for instance.
21. Don’t be one of those theologians who get excited about every new trend in politics, culture, hermeneutics, and even theology and who think we have to reconstruct our theology to go along with each trend. Don’t think you have to be a feminist, e.g., just because everybody else is. Most of the theologies that try to be culturally savvy are unbiblical.
22. Be suspicious of all trendiness in theology. When everybody jumps on some theological bandwagon, whether narrative, feminism, redemptive history, natural law, liturgy, liberation, postmodernism, or whatever, that’s the time to awaken your critical faculties. Don’t jump on the bandwagon unless you have done your own study. When a theological trend comes along, ask reflexively, “What’s wrong with that?” There is always something wrong. It simply is not the case that the newest is the truest. Indeed, many new movements turn out to be false steps entirely.
23. Our system of doctoral-level education requires “original thought,” but that can be hard to do, given that the church has been studying Scripture for thousands of years. You’ll be tempted to come up with something that sounds new (possibly by writing a thesis that isn’t properly theological at all in the sense of #3 above). Well, do it; get it out of the way, and then come back to do some real theology.
24. At the same time, don’t reject innovation simply because it is innovative. Even more, don’t reject an idea merely because it doesn’t sound like what you’re used to. Learn to distinguish the sound-look-feel of an idea from what it actually means.
25. Be critical of arguments that turn on metaphors or extrabiblical technical terms. Don’t assume that each one has a perfectly clear meaning. Usually they do not.
26. Learn to be skeptical of the skeptics. Unbelieving and liberal scholars are as prone to error as anybody—in fact, more so.
27. Respect your elders. Nothing is so ill-becoming as a young theologian who despises those who have been working in the field for decades. Disagreement is fine, as long as you acknowledge the maturity and the contributions of those you disagree with. Take 1 Timothy 5:1 to heart.
28. Young theologians often imagine themselves as the next Luther, just as little boys imagine themselves as the next Peyton Manning or Kevin Garnett. When they’re too old to play cowboys and Indians, they want to play Luther and the Pope. When the real Pope won’t play with them, they pick on somebody else and say, “You’re it.” Look: most likely God has not chosen you to be the leader of a new Reformation. If he has, don’t take the exalted title “Reformer” upon yourself. Let others decide if that is really what you are.
29. Decide early in your career (after some experimenting) what to focus on and what not to. When considering opportunities, it’s just as important (perhaps more so) to know when to say no as to know when to say yes.
30. Don’t lose your sense of humor. We should take God seriously, not ourselves, and certainly not theology. To lose your sense of humor is to lose your sense of proportion. And nothing is more important in theology than a sense of proportion.

-“Reflections of a Lifetime Theologian: An Extended Interview with John M. Frame,” interviewed by P. Andrew Sandlin in Speaking the Truth in Love: The Theology of John Frame

Build, Don't Puff

THE END OF YEAR 2014

I thank God for what a remarkable year it has been.

I moved to a new church, got my driving license, graduated from my homeschooling program, took a theological course online, recognized the possibility of being called to full-time ministry, had a humbling overseas visit, participated in two edifying Christian camps, was drafted into national service, and applied for college. That probably sums up the major events of my year.

It was certainly eventful, but it was also quiet in a way. It was quiet because, well, I was quiet. This year was mostly spent in observing, listening, reflecting, and learning. It was a humbling year.

It was humbling mainly because my facade was stripped away. I was no longer youth leader. I was simply another member in the youth group. What a relief. I could no longer, by means of my own eloquent preaching, blind myself to my own vices.

It was also a good thing that my failure at ministry haunted me so much. It was a painful reminder that I needed to be a good servant before I could ever be a good king. Learn to follow before taking the lead.

Religious Affections was, too, an immense help. It gave me the focus I needed. More and more, I came to realize that there's no greater priority in life than to pursue a sincere faith in God.

I never understood the Bible's fuss about leaven until this year. Leaven represents pride, and how it can puff persons up as quickly as a bread rises. Yet anything that is puffed up remains soft; there is an illusion of bigness, but it collapses easily.

As Christians, we learn to build, not puff. We learn to take things step by step, and in doing so, we build a sturdy fortress over the years, as opposed to a clumsy piling of rocks raised in several days that cannot withstand a challenge.

This “knowledge” puffs up, but love builds up.
(1 Corinthians 8:1b) 

I confess that I'm a really, really ambitious person. In all my eighteen years, I've probably spent more time daydreaming than really doing productive work. Thus, I'm often tempted to puff things up in order to cover for my laziness. And I'm often tempted to think that I'm rather clever in figuring out last-minute ways to puff things up.

Well, thank God for releasing me from that. In Christ, the leaven of pride no longer has dominion over me. I will build.

I gain all my strength and wisdom from the Master Architect. I will build.

Happy New Year.

National Service; Concluding 2014

GANGSTERS AND GODS

Sorry about the long wait, Simon.

Day 83 (November 7) 
Ever since I was young, every time I leave a place, I always bring regrets with me. This camp will be no different, I think. But regret that does not motivate is mere despair, which is why I want to wrap up my experience here and prepare for life at home. Perhaps the most important thing I've gotten out of this camp, with regard to my regret, is learning about my various inadequacies [...]

I was surprised at how calm I felt when leaving for national service on August 17, possibly because deep inside I desired for some kind of change in my life.

I was even more surprised at how scared I felt during that final week before I went home. I was scared that no real change occurred during those three months, that I wasted my time, and wasted God's grace. But of course, I knew that nothing goes to waste in God's plan for those He loves, hence the entry for November 7.

By the sixth day at the camp, I realized that I needed to keep a journal, which I later appropriately titled "For the Preservation of Sanity". I also allowed myself to weep that evening, when I was in the shower. I broke down because I felt like I became very unchristian right after leaving a Christian environment. I felt weak and fake.

I'll start from the beginning.

For the first few nights, I was put to shame when a Muslim demonstrated a greater zeal for evangelism than I did, as he preached Islam to me. Within the first week, a fight nearly broke out, and what appeared to be demon activity occurred in the hall. And I was so surprised by these new things that I didn't know how to respond. I felt like I was displaying Christianity as a very useless religion indeed.

But God gave me some confidence by allowing a number of people to pick up on my Christian character and inquire further. I was able to share the gospel, and that refreshed me. At least they could identify that I was different.

Yet as time went on, even though I had many, many conversations about Christianity with different people there, I was basically passive in my evangelism. Gradually, God stopped giving me those kinds of opportunities, and one day I suddenly realized I wasn't talking about God at all to anybody. And I wasn't trying to build relationships for the sake of the gospel either. I was just drifting along.

And even just drifting along wasn't easy, either. Most of the people in my camp didn't finish school, and, surprise, many of them were gangsters. Every day I see demonstrations of rebellion, of pride, of dishonesty, of hate, and of lust.

Before long, I was filled with an incredible sense of dread, that the long duration of the camp would be too much of me to bear. I couldn't bear being in that place for so long and being such a useless Christian. This feeling of dread, complicated and intensified by the evil I saw daily, was making me very, very melancholy. How am I supposed to operate under such extreme conditions? I thought.

"For he crushes me with a tempest

  and multiplies my wounds without cause;

he will not let me get my breath,
  but fills me with bitterness."

(Job 9:17-18) 

I continued to learn more about my own vices, especially my dishonesty. I realized how much I rarely say what I mean or mean what I say. I said things because I felt like people wanted to hear those things. It was my way of staying invisible, of protecting myself from hostility.

I was so spiritually desperate. I never imagined coming to a point where I'd have so little time for reading God's Word and for private prayer, even when I needed it so much. I needed God to speak to me, to tell me what I'm supposed to do in such times. And I needed time to get my mind to sober up; I was incredibly tired with how easily people drew me away from a godly focus.

This produced two positive fruits. First, I learned the power of Bible reading. Really, perhaps I've been so accustomed to studying a Bible text that it surprised me how much I got out of reading through a book of a Bible at the same speed I would any other book. This could be a helpful tool in the future. Second, I was really forced to pay much, much more attention to the exercise of prayer. With no Bible constantly available, and no like-minded brethren in Christ, I only had God to turn to through prayer when things got really tough.

Before long, people were starting to become rather appreciative of me. Thank God, at least they liked me for what they identified as a Christian character. They shared secrets with me and sought me for conversations on serious topics. This still backfired, though, and it became a humongous obstacle to my prayer life, because I became pleased with myself. I was aware of my self-contentment, of course, but it was incredibly hard feeling to overcome.

And that wasn't all that was there to tempt my pride. Quite a number of people were vocal about how they thought I was good-looking. And, beginning to agree with them, I started looking at reflections more.

Thus, I was caught in this complication for the majority of my time in the camp. A sense of a failure and a sense of pride, all at once. And perhaps, above all, a sense of loneliness. I could not express how alone I felt as a Christian. Which was why several passages became so much more meaningful to me.

"...that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,"

(Philippians 2:15)

"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."

(Hebrews 12:3)

"Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end."
(John 13:1) 

Throughout the camp, I also had opportunities to get to know other religions. This was also one of the things that troubled me, because all the believers of these religions keep trying to find common ground with mine, while I attempt to do the opposite. In the end, I realized that I didn't know the moral law enough, such that I wasn't able to convict them of their sin. (Indeed, I couldn't even convict myself of my sin throughout the camp.)

Very soon, I felt the implication of my inability to teach these people righteousness; it meant that I myself didn't know how to walk righteously. I didn't know what God wanted from me. Certainly, my life showed clear signs of this. But God eventually gave me an answer in a very, very familiar verse.

Day 77 (November 1)
Admist troubling thoughts, meditated and prayed a lot. I came to a point where I realized that I lost sight of God's heart; I wondered for some time what God truly cared for, and how I can be sure. Found an answer in Genesis 1:27, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." God cares for me because I am his image, his glory. Profound implications in such a simple truth.

I can't express what a great takeaway that was. It wasn't like a turning point or something during the camp, but it did take root in my heart. It reminded me of what holds all men accountable to the moral standards of God, even of what actually enables men to understand God's moral standards apart from regeneration.

The last few days were sad. Again, they were sad because I felt like I'd failed at achieving anything significant. And they were sad because I recognized how little I cared for those people. It stung me, how little love I had, because I almost felt glad that I was leaving them, even though I knew that most of them were headed for hell. I was disgusted with myself.

My last words in the journal:

It's in such a time that I realize my disregard for persons, how hard it is for me to attach myself to other people. How inhumane I am. Resolved, to continue to fight for love, and commit my heart to persons outside of myself, first of all the eternal Person, and after that those who are created in His glorious image.

I couldn't sleep on the bus when we were going back. I was too excited about going home.

When we were nearing our destination, a girl who sat nearby called my name. "We're not going to see each other again," she said with a frown. That totally ruined my mood, because I knew what kind of person she was, and that she was helplessly going back to a sinful lifestyle. And at one point, I actually ignored a rather good opportunity for telling her about the gospel.

I breathed hard. Oh, regret.

We got off the bus. I gave one of my best friends a last hug, and I hopped into my car. Goodbye, PLKN, I thought blankly.

Well spent? Yes, for me. But just me. And I'm tired of thinking about just me any longer. People are dying.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."
(Ecclesiastes 3:11a)

Oh God, I pray that's true. How ugly I've made things.


* * * * *

TAKING THE BATTLE TO THE ENEMY

Some part of me wishes the story ended there. But nope.

Back home, I feel the full force of my flaws, especially because this is my comfort zone.

But somehow, seeing the spirit of my brethren, I was encouraged enough to become absolutely frustrated with my complacence, and set for myself the theme of spiritual warfare (something I picked up at NS) for the remainder of 2014. I've decided to actively wage war against my sins, and for the rescue of lost or backsliding souls.

Yes, this is happening now. And it's very, very scary, because I'm a sinner. And my sin is a greater force than any gangster I can possibly find on the face of the earth.

But William Gurnall once wrote: "He that has God's heart cannot lack his arm." And the arm of God is truly a power to be reckoned with. I remember the Exodus, the conquest of Canaan, Gideon's 300, David slaying the giant.

I'm actually filled with much sorrow, anxiety, and despair at the moment, in anticipation of the weeks that are to follow. It's going to be a tough battle. But it's good that I'm seeing this as such an insurmountable challenge; all the more reason to lean on Him.

Oh God, this is it, isn't it? At this point, where my plans are but hesitant guidelines, my determination discouraged, You'll intervene and do something great, no? With all my heart, I wish for that to be true. I surrender my fleshly ways. Work Your wonders and guide me, Almighty.

God help me, here I come. 

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,"
(Ephesians 6:10-18)

Reverence; Heading to NS

REVERENCE

"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."
(Hebrews 12:28-29)

The final phrase of this passage, "for our God is a consuming fire", is a quotation from Deuteronomy 4:24, which also mentions that God is "a jealous God". God's jealousy must be understood in the context of His holiness; in the Old Testament, He is specifically presented as jealous for those who are called His holy people, set apart for Him. Thus, in the passage we see that one of the reasons given for worshiping God with reverence and awe is because of His holiness.

We live in a postmodern age. Who claims to have authority? He is arrogant. What is authority anyway? Perhaps there is no such thing after all. And as a result of all this, our generation is clearly ignorant of what it means to fear, respect, and revere. We find it uncomfortable to ever be serious and sober. And that is sad, because we are completely wasting something that God had put in us: the ability to enjoy the holy, and to "rejoice with trembling" (Psalm 2:11). We are hindered only by our immense pride.

I finished reading R.C. Sproul's classic The Holiness of God more than a week ago. The book explored the theme of God's holiness, and it reminded me of how important it is to be reverent, to love God's holy lordship. I realized that I cared very little for being fearful and serious before God. The modern evangelical "Jesus is my buddy" sentiment has deeply influenced me.

And perhaps teaching at the home school center is starting to make me realize how important it is to respect authority, not merely for authority's own sake, but even for the benefit of those who respect it. Because when one chooses to disrespect authority, he ultimately does it to his own harm. For example, when the students at the home school center fail to respect me as a teacher, the result is not that I lose anything, but that they themselves fail to acquire the knowledge I'm trying to impart, because they resist me.

But perhaps one of the challenges to having such a godly fear is the difficulty in distinguishing filial fear from servile fear. The way I see it is that the latter refers to a fear that considers its object as malevolent (evil-intentioned), while the former sees its object as benevolent (having goodwill). A servile fear does not see God as good and kind, but is afraid to cross Him because it sees God as a cruel and powerful tyrant. A filial fear, however, is afraid to sin against God precisely because it sees Him as good and kind and displeased with sin, and having the authority to punish sin. The key, I think, is that filial fear has an admiration for God's moral excellence, while servile fear simply fears pain.

In theory, it's quite clear, but in practice things can get a little fuzzy. Sometimes, in an effort to rid myself of servile fear, I get rid of filial fear altogether, throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Sometimes, in trying to bring myself to fear God, I end up with a self-centered servile fear instead of a God-centered filial fear.

Yet I continue to strive. I need to grow in this reverence, in order to keep my life's focus on the Creator, not on creation. Reverence is important for repenting of sinful lifestyles, important for personal maturity, important for becoming a true man of God.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;
    fools despise wisdom and instruction." 
(Proverbs 1:7)

How very true these words are, how very true!


* * * * *

REPORT OF AUGUST 12

I've been trying to learn how to pray. I've never really paid attention to my prayer life, but when I started to do so, I realized how difficult it is to pray sincerely and constantly. Still, I thank God for reminding me of a means of grace that I used to ignore quite a lot.

Living in a personalistic universe means that God is constantly revealing Himself to me through everything. And since prayer is obediently responding to God's revelation, the appropriate response to constant revelation is constant prayer. And the reason I don't pray is because I'm not aware that God is revealing Himself, because I've forgotten that the universe isn't impersonalistic, because I've been lured by my sins to stop depending on God.

I need to repent of that. Always need God, always give thanks, always cast my cares. I must learn this because it honors God.

Recently I've also been pursuing further studies and stuff. I've went to a couple of good Christian camps. I've been helping out at the home school center. I've been reading books. But most of all, I've been thinking.

I've been thinking about everything. Seriously. I've been trying to find a coherent and sturdy system of thought that can organize all the things I know and still leave room for the things I don't know. My head had been seriously messed up since the Taiwan visit. I'm trying to center everything on the Gospel. And it's hard. But thank God for Cornelius Van Til, he's been a great help in all this organizing, though it currently seems far from complete.

Perhaps the greatest question I struggled with for these few months was "how to live". But I've gotten past that after listening to Dr. David Peterson at the TTC camp. Now the real question is "where does my confidence lie?", or perhaps more directly, "how do I put my confidence in God?"

This post might seem really disorganized, but I'm just trying to quickly jot down whatever I can remember from these few months before I leave for National Service. Yep, I'm heading for National Service for three months. I'm leaving on August 17, five days from now. So I don't really have much time to write properly.

It's going to be good training. I hate crowds. I fear men. But now I have to learn to persevere in my reverence for God as I come into contact with the world. I must learn to fear no one but God.

I'm not sure what to say about all this, all that had happened. What can I say? God is good and I am foolish. I am faithless but He continues to guide me.

There are so many great details of the past few months that I could write about, especially the two camps, but it really is too much time and effort. It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm busy, too. I suppose that everything I've learned these few months can only be shared in my future posts, without reference to when and how I've learned them. But that's not a bad thing either.

All glory be to Him, the most trustworthy Person in and beyond the universe.

Mirror, Mirror, in the Scripture

SENTIMENTS OF JUNE 2014: PART 2

It is in the Reformed tradition to say that men only come to understand depravity when they learn of holiness. It is God's moral standards that shed light on the darkness that plagues human hearts. In part 1, I wrote about a painful discovery of how terrible I am as a human being. Several lessons I learned led to that. 

Flashback! I completed my home school curriculum in March, and began to devote much time to theology. I was trying to read eight chapters of the Bible every day and was having online theology classes every Wednesday morning. It was especially these that set the stage for the big discovery.

As a result of those studies, these are the great lessons I've learned in the previous months:

Moral excellence is God's main concern
This is possibly the greatest truth that I learned from Edwards's Religious Affections. The idea was, for me, absolutely revolutionary. God is glorious in many ways, but the greatest way that He is glorious is in His moral perfection. Anyone can come to love God's immense power or infinite knowledge, but only the regenerate learn to love God's holiness and righteousness.
What I mean by moral perfection is God's perfection with regards to the attributes He exercises as a moral agent. Natural perfection refers to those attributes that primarily have to do with God's great power. No dichotomy is intended here, but a distinction is obvious.
When Christ came to earth, He restricted His omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence, but He did not relinquish His perfect holiness and righteousness. By this, we can easily tell what truly matters to God. God's moral perfection is the center of all His glories.
Edwards wrote that natural excellencies are indeed good things, but they are only good as far as they are guided by moral excellence. For example, power is good in the hands of a good leader, but is terrible in the hands of evil. Wealth is good when it belongs to a generous spirit, but despicable if it belongs to someone selfish. Abundant knowledge is good when used for the benefit of others, but bad if used to deceive people. Beauty is lovely, but becomes bitter if it turns out to be a mask for a wicked heart.
Thus, we have a clear guidance to what exactly should we find attractive about God. It is this truth that keeps us from both the extremes of idolizing God's blessings and despising them altogether, because we know that the blessings (natural excellence) serve to give shape and form to God's love (moral excellence), which is the main thing.
Also, this teaches us to prioritize holy living, because by this we should realize that our greatest way of glorifying God is by faithfulness, not health or wealth or knowledge or influence or beauty. By this, the focus of a saint's life is firmly set.

Love is selfless giving
Several months ago, I was contemplating on the nature of the Gospel. This led to my asking of the timeless question, "What is love?"
Through my Scripture reading, I came to conclude that love was seeking the benefit of others. This is indeed the standard and traditional answer, but I could not really believe it. Because if love was to seek the benefit of others, then a perfect love would be a complete devotion of oneself to others. In other words, perfect love would be an utter selflessness. I, of course, thought it was impossible to completely empty myself to care for others, because... well, I simply could not imagine what could motivate one to do such a thing.
The natural mode of thinking is to do something only if it pleases me. But what the Biblical virtue of love seems to suggest is that one does something for the pleasure of another even if it means displeasure for himself, where his only pleasure is that his object of love is pleased. In other words, Biblical love seems to be a love that would unconditionally give away all its pleasure in exchange for all the displeasure of someone else. That doesn't make sense to the natural man.
But it occurred to me that what is impossible with man is possible with God. God's love is a real, existing miracle. It is an ethical miracle. It is a moral miracle. It transcends earthly notions of justice. It really, truly seeks the benefit of others, even at the expense of self. And what makes me so sure that this is the nature of God's love is, of course, His Word. Jesus noted that we would be just like the tax collectors and Gentiles if we only loved those who loved us in return.
Even if we say that God does all things for His own glory, He does it not as a selfish thing. As I mentioned in a previous post, the Father seeks the glory of the Son and of the Spirit, the Son seeks the glory of the Father and of the Spirit, and the Spirit seeks the glory of the Father and of the Son. It is all selfless. And God also seeks His own glory for our sake, because His glory is the greatest benefit we can have. And God wants us to seek his glory selflessly because in doing so, we become like Him, and are glorified.
Jonathan Edwards confirms this in Religious Affections when he wrote of the love that is required of us. He wrote that a true love for God is not merely motivated by the fact that God loves that person personally. Saints should love God because God is morally excellent, period. A saint must have a deep conviction that God is worthy of loving even if He cast him into hell. Our love of God is not motivated by our selfishness. True saints do not come to love God simply because they are aware that it would be a "fair transaction". True saints love God because they see the greatness of God's infinite love and admire it and imitate it.
All this gives a deeper meaning to the famous statement, "God is love." And with it, one can paint a beautiful picture of a perfect world where everyone does his utmost for God and for others, everyone showering blessings on everyone, for the simple reason that everyone is endowed with God's love in his heart.

God is most glorified through weakness
I first noticed a pattern in the Bible where God honors the meek and humbles the proud. Early on, I couldn't really understand why this was so significant. And I was a little displeased with this because I felt that I was in the category of the proud. I could not see the glory of it.
Then, one day I came across a life-changing sermon by Charles Leiter, "The Weakness and Foolishness of God." I'll just repeat what I've written about the sermon in an earlier post:
It finally taught me the nature of that glory that I have been seeking for such a long time, that God is not as glorified in great displays of abundance, knowledge, strength, and beauty as He is in the use of weak and lowly means.
This is because it is only natural for the strong to defeat the weak. But for the weak to defeat the strong, God must be involved. Thus, in the end, no one can boast of himself, but of God. That is how God is glorified, not by human impressiveness, but by human weakness.
This truth has given me much steadfastness and courage. Because now I'm sure that it's okay to seem like scum in the eyes of the world. The world's mockery of God and His church is but for a moment. We can be assured that when things seem to be going really downhill, it's simply God making the time ripe for His miracles, and not that God has lost control of things.
Our lives, then, are not measured in achievements, but in faithfulness, for it is not the work of man that is most glorious, but the supernatural work of God that brings about faith, hope, and love. (Again, it is moral excellence that truly counts!)

These three lessons worked together to break me. I realized how very little love I have. All the knowledge I gained is made null without a true knowledge of love. In God's eyes, a head full of information is nothing compared to a heart full of love.

And I realized that God's greatest concern isn't for how far I can extend my influence in my lifetime, it's for how much I obey Him in loving Him and loving people, according to the portion He has given me. I might not become a great man, but I certainly am obliged to be a faithful man.

Finally, I realized how much I neglected Christ and His cross, the most vivid expression of God's moral excellence, of selfless love, of divine power and wisdom shown in God weakness and foolishness. I found out I needed to love Christ. Like, really love Him.

My heart is heavy, but I know that the weights are for strengthening me. This pressure is necessary if I am to become a man able bear all things in love. No more running away. I'm scared as hell, but no more running.

What exactly are the practical steps I am to take in loving God and men? I'm still working that out. But I find that my directions are becoming clearer, and there seems to be some clear actions I can take in giving myself up for others.

I came across a passage in the Gospel of John yesterday, about Jesus telling people to eat His flesh and drink His blood. Multitudes were offended by this gory image, and left Him. But I realize that, although Jesus was speaking figuratively, the bloodiness was intended to evoke a sort of repulsion. It was intended because it was meaningful. When animals are eaten for food, they die so that the eater could live. Jesus, in His death, was like a man cannibalized, torn limb from limb, flesh stripped from bone, all dignity lost. And yet Jesus came willingly from heaven, like a man coming to a group of hungry cannibals, saying, "Come, come, eat and live."

That is amazing. And while the sinful part of me cries out in protest, "I don't want that pain, that suffering!", something deeper inside of me quietly but surely confesses, "I want to be like that man."

And thanks be to God that it is granted me to suffer for His sake.

Thank God for an incredibly, tremendously rich six months.