Happy Anniversary; Fighting Pride

A YEAR OF BLOGGING GRACE

I read through all of my blog posts to collect material for a special post here, to sum up the most important things I've learned and written in this blog since a year ago.

It was exhilarating, seeing the past year unfold before my eyes again. Some posts captured the lostness and despair that I seem to have forgotten by now, and revisiting those emotions makes me grateful and happy about today.

Also, I saw in those posts, despite the brokenness, a sense of God's closeness to me during those harder times. My words were somewhat theologically clumsy and imprecise, but saturated with passion. You could see in my words that God was teaching me gently and patiently. God was holding the hand of a toddler. The toddler was stupid and rebellious, but he also loved and needed his Father, and his Father made sure he grew. That's grace.

As is the theme of Deuteronomy, we must remember the salvation of the Lord. Here are some of the things I believe God has taught me.

Proceed with caution, however; indeed, in these posts I have attempted to organize what I understood of God's Word, but I sense that there is a fair chance my own sinful thoughts and even "style" pervaded these posts. Like a Berean, check everything against God's Word. It is in the Word of God we ought to immerse ourselves, not in the rhetoric of men.


- We tell stories because of the beauty of all the little bits and pieces coming together to form something meaningful. Each part of a story matters, and thus, is meaningful. We find beauty in purpose. 

- Anyone can wrestle down his guilt by changing his actions and making himself feel as if he were actually righteous deep inside. You just have to be proud enough to think that you're not actually evil.

- What is it about video games that draw me? Well, there's that point I've thought about before, which is that I am drawn to the gaming world because God isn't there. He does not control my destiny. I control my destiny. I can become powerful all on my own.

- My only hope for sanctification, the Word of God.

- If God is the God who created the universe, then how great it is to know that He is our Redeemer. Whoever He sets out to save, He will not fail in saving.

- And also thanks to the work of other saints, I was taught how to find Christ from the very beginning of the Bible's books and onwards. At some point, I found out what it meant for me; it meant that in the things that typify Christ, all the great, glorious qualities are God's. And I can understand them.

- To be great is not my burden to carry. It's God's. I must rid myself of the notion that the people around me need me. Nay, even the Word of God declares that "...God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham." (Matthew 3:9). He shall succeed, and I shall simply find for myself a good seat to admire His success.

- And because of this faithlessness, I actually consider the idea that I can be well-prepared enough to cause every single person around me to accept God. But that's not the case. This is not in my hands. 

- And I realized that there are some things that God brings into your life simply to teach you to let it go. And so you must.

- The one who is more godly is not the one who needs less struggle against sin than the ungodly; he is the one who struggles the hardest and acts most radically.

- God wants us to ask from Him so that when we receive His blessing, we know that it's from Him.

- In my striving to grow in my knowledge of God, I strive to grow in love.
 
- Every sin is an acceptance of deception. And every sin includes this lie: that life can be beautiful without God.

- In all I do, I sin, even in my good works, my prayers, my service in the church. And the only reason God accepts us and our service is simply because we are in Christ, and our "sacrifices" are made clean. I have nothing to boast of myself, but only have the right to boast of Christ.

- His death is even more bewildering than His arrival. Again, why? Why would You die for us? The answer ought to break our hearts into a thousand pieces. In His agony, His bitter passion, His humiliation, He seeks to say to His chosen people:  "I love you."

- It is exhilarating to remind myself that the fulfillment of the kingdom of heaven is very real, and that I will see it one day. It is not a fantasy or a dreamlike thing, it will be as real as can be. The remnants of sin in our lives will be gone, and the richness of God will be made known to us in a way that we cannot possibly now imagine. We will be surprised and awed. There's no way you can prepare or expect what's coming. It will be beauty beyond belief.

- Away with my stupid little feelings! Away with trying to be someone in this world! I was nothing until God formed me, and my identity remains tied to Him!

- How I wish we would stop counting on ourselves and find peace in the truth that You know and control all things. It is always painful to count on ourselves. Always.

- And we lose more and more of our humanness, our image-of-God-ness, as we give way to temptation.

- These happen so that I hold on to His Word and prayer with an even greater measure of faith than I did before. Discovering sins, relational conflicts, hard-to-discern situations, all point to my need of God's guidance, personally and providentially.

- And so the reality is actually this; it's not that I wouldn't forsake God, because of some noble quality that I have within me, but simply that He wouldn't let go. I kept failing, but He kept coming back. Hosea redeemed his adulterous wife.

- To do right in His eyes is enough. Soli deo gloria.

-  Now I think I know why in the 1 Corinthians 13 description of love, it is first characterized as patient. Because while the lies of the world are sweet and mushy and agreeable, God's love is shown in its uncompromising persistence. We feel repulsed by His high, holy character at first, because it denies so much of us; but as the pretty, temporal things of the world fade away, He remains, and you realize He was always there.

- And what is more right than to uphold the most Righteous?

- You still have sin, and are accepted in Christ.

- God means to save you from sin in all that occur.

- There is still much to learn.

- You are only required to think for God's kingdom.

- Rewards await those who strive, including the reward of striving.

- A realization to counteract pride is knowing that everything, absolutely everything in a Christian's life is a received blessing. 

- There are a lot of secular intellectuals in the world, and they are still fools for not being obedient. And there are many quiet, humble Christians who are not very brilliant but are exceedingly wise to follow the Lord.

- In all things, never doubt that God is good and in control.

- Of course life would seem like a mess without God, without Christ. Life would just be a really bad joke, an awkward existence. It would be a terrible experience, to think that you're born into the world against your will and pulled out of it against your will, and not understanding why.

- But the error of trying not to think about the rewards is that we try to produce our own motivation. And it never works. How futile it is to try to separate God from His works and blessings.

- We're not merely meant to be anti-pride or anti-sloth. We're meant to be pro-God.
  
- God has written the greatest story of all time: history.

- How wonderful it is to forget all the cares of the world for a moment and realize that, in a way, everything's already perfect, locked in position for the immense glorification of the Lord, including my imperfect self.

- We humans can be so afraid of being wrong that, even when we make an initial wrong decision, we stand by it in order to somehow prove, by certain results, that we made the right decision after all. But living under sovereign justice, we simply can't expect to avoid reaping what we sow.

- We all, at one point or another, deeply desire for someone to look into our eyes with understanding, hold us, and assure us that we are acceptable. And yet, all along, there was this Christ, who looked upon me with more understanding about me than I'd like Him to have, saw all that I truly was, how completely unacceptable I am, and said to me, "I do not condemn you. Sin no more."

- Such intense psychological suffering was God's molding of me, I realize. I always thought that if I'm good enough, God will use me. But now I know that isn't true. He loves me more than that; His using of me is also His molding of me.

- It was an article that first brought to my attention how I ignored the relationship between the practical and the beautiful, for what is considered practical is founded on what is beautiful.

- Of course I will love my brothers and sisters in Christ more than I love those whom I can't identify as saints. And by doing so, I will learn to love the unbelievers more, too.

- I used to be afraid that I won't be able to make films, or get married, or grow old, because I was concerned that eternal life was void of these things. Now I understand that these ideas are idolatrous, because these things in life should do nothing more than point to the better things in store for us in eternity.

- It only takes a boy to do what he wants to do, but a man to do what he needs to do.

- The work of the Holy Spirit is humble and invisible. It is gentle and comforting. He does not mean to cause me pain, but seeks to bring me joy, and grieves in my stead. He teaches me lessons that ensure I understand. In the lineup of the economic Trinity, He appears to be the manifestation of the quiet and vulnerable. 

- Patience, my dear. Try to read the Bible, and don't lose hope in it. Try to pray, and don't lose hope in it. Don't lose hope the next time you mess up. Try harder. Sit down, and write down to yourself what you can do about it, and what to thank God for taking care of on your behalf.

- Therefore, God's love is a furious love, which does not fail to repay anyone who wrongs His object of love. God's wrath is a selfless wrath, eager to defend those who are worthy and glorious and beautiful. They do not contradict, and instead go hand in hand.

- The person of Christ is what everything is leading up to. When we talk about the glory of God, He is it.

- What do I have to think about that I have to think independently of God?

- Sinful men despise not only God's curses, but His blessings also. A great folly, this is. 


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A TIME TO KEEP SILENCE, AND A TIME TO SPEAK

I've always wanted an audience.

It's a temptation common to both artists and preachers. And I've been working hard to be both.

In doing so, I've given room for my most elusive vice to sabotage my communion with God: pride.

I've been seeking to find the root of my problems, and it seems that the vice of pride is one of the best perspectives from which to view my sin. I feel as if my mind is split in two, one for me and one for the world to see. Not to say that everybody should just spout their private stuff, but the motive is the issue.

Sadly, the worst thing is that I don't even notice how much I tend to try to steal God's glory until I see it in retrospect. And even in retrospect, many times I try to ignore it.

I believe this is another season for me to learn how to live for the eyes of God, and not for the eyes of men. Once it was the scorn of others that drove me to give up on how people saw me. But now I feel so loved, it is desire for coming before God with a pure heart that motivates me. I simply cannot rejoice in God's presence while I have a secret accumulation of my own glories. This has got to stop.

I will continue to write, but not here. I'd like to put away the distraction of writing publicly for some time. God is teaching me to be content with being silent, and watching Him work His sometimes weird wonders.

Because that is my primary means of serving Him: worship. Worship comes from beholding. The rest of my service would be seriously stained if my worship is impure.

I will return to my blog when I find it appropriate. I think I would at least stop writing for a month. I hope that if I return, it will be for an irresistible desire to proclaim God's glory, the glory I hope I will find in the following weeks.

As The Dust Settles

RECENT CONDITIONS

The haze blankets the Klang Valley, and I feel like I'm breathing death as I write.

Every morning the sun rises and it is quickly rid of. Every nightfall it slowly seeps back into the city.

Everything is shrouded in mystery. You don't know what's ahead of you, what to expect. And we huddle up to prepare for what lies beyond the veil of smoke. We gather and fortify ourselves, a little more each time we assemble. For we understand that after the dust settles, trials are coming our way. Serious tribulation.

Nearly a quarter of the year has passed. Yikes. Tick, tock, tick, tock.

In the wake of four Sunday school teachers deciding to leave the church, a transitional period took place. The implications were clear; there was a significant shift of influence in church politics, however inappropriate that sounds. Strike the shepherd, scatter the sheep.

But despite the withdrawal, the true Shepherd is still present to unite His sheep. "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20).

The brethren in KPC are meeting and having fellowship regularly, the brothers especially. It's good to start with the men. Around five or six of us are setting our eyes on the long run and beating our bodies into submission, taking up the discipline of reading Scripture and other material according to a certain schedule, so that we may be equipped and "prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you" (1 Peter 3:15), and also that we may "do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience" (1 Peter 3:16).

Tensions relax temporarily as Agape is taken by new advisers. But a quick buildup of tension is probable sometime soon, as the two fellowships have already been rather purged of members who cannot stand boring theological material, and there is prone to be incentives to restore them to their "former glory", especially in numbers; there will likely be attempts to achieve this through the remaining members, who currently seem too sober, for many reasons, to try to gain new members. We shall see as the meetings take place, I suppose.

Things have settled, also, for four of the young men. There was much uncertainty at first, but now it seems that they have come to terms with an acceptable compromise, switching to the English department, where teacher Chun Chung, who is arguably KPC's finest teacher as of this moment, is fighting his battle.

The young ladies in KPC do not seem to be doing well, generally. I have scarce information regarding them also. But no worries, for God is on the throne.

My personal transitional period has come to an end. I went to the Bandar Puteri church two days ago, the church where we said we would be settling for good (unless, of course, something of the same nature with what drove us there happens there). As I stepped into the church, my heart lifted in joy, for I knew that this would be where I would serve, where I would treat as home. At CDPC, I knew I wasn't there to stay for long, so there was no sentiment of the sort.

And I've completed my home school curriculum (at least, up to the grade where I planned to stop). I was a bit lost after that about what to do, but now I've come up with loads of things to do. The next two months for me is practically a theological seminary, with a bit of high school studies to prepare for my SAT. And it's funny how fixed my schedule is, compared to when I was actually studying a formal curriculum.

And on an even more personal note, I've come to accept certain resolutions to my ambitions and desires.

Firstly, it is confirmed that I will study history, unless anything suddenly convinces me to change my mind. It seemed so odd, so unorthodox to me at first that even I was a bit hesitant when it came to telling people about it. Not that studying history is unconventional, but studying it in preparation for making films is. Nobody plans this stuff up. But the idea of God being the ultimate storyteller stuck with me, and I realized, "Heck, I'm an artist. I shouldn't be afraid of being unconventional." And the more I look into it, the more I see how the two subjects go hand in hand.

Also, I've temporarily dropped my worries about how I'm going to start working as a filmmaker. There's simply no way to know, at this point. And it's a bit too far ahead of me for me to make a decision now. Sure, I'm assessing my options, but for now I can relax and study movies and aesthetics until the time is right. It is all in God's hands. Who knows, He might suddenly rid me of my lifelong dream and call me to full-time ministry.

Lastly, I've laid down my cares about marriage. I know it's stupid for a mere eighteen-year-old to worry about, but I really did worry about how courtship and stuff were supposed to work out, how exactly I should know if I am ready, and if a filmmaker would ever find a willing mate. To hell with those thoughts. But, easier said than done, which was why I took the time to meditate on what Scripture thinks of the topic, and listed down several important concepts. Now I feel remarkably at peace about it. Simply because I know I'm far from ready.

I've been learning tons of things in the past few days and weeks, probably much more than I can recall off the top of my head. God's grace is abundant.

Pastor Sam prophesied rightly; times like these really do drive you to mature very quickly, to become independent. The time has come to take what we've learned and hold fast to them. The comfort zone is no more; it's time to strive for adulthood.

Good night. Until the dawn breaks.

And Anytime I Don't Know

UNTITLED

I cast all my cares upon You,
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet.
And anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon You.

That Day

SOLILOQUY OF A WEAK BELIEVER

"You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day."
(Deuteronomy 5:15)

I had tried to write this poem more than a year ago, during one of my darker times, though I did not complete it. I intended for it to be a song at first, but I couldn't really come up with a melody, and thus the cadence in the first few stanzas are really weird. Take it as a kind of amateur free verse, I suppose.

This was what I jotted down a year ago when I decided to write the poem: "I feel numb toward my sin. How can this be?

"For some reason, the course of action I intend to take is to write a song. I am so frustrated and weary, I want to remind myself why I want to pursue God in the first place. I could've forsaken Him anytime during these two years.

"Yet I didn't. And I will not. I need to know why."

The words of the poem crystallize for my the memories of utter hopelessness I had in the early times of my faith. Looking back, those moments have finally turned from bitter to sweet.

I just revised it, and I finally completed it:


Soliloquy of a Weak Believer (That Day)

Why not give up?

Why do pursue?

Why do I seek a God I clearly never knew?

I’m tired of running,

Weary of striving.

My heart is dull as stone;

My willingness is dying.

All I see is darkness ahead, the lake of fire red;

Still I find my drunken soul not want to turn.

The love of God I cannot feel, and why?

It seems to me,

I’m destined to curse God and die.

Why try?

Why not give up?

Why not give up?

I say I want to turn,

And yet I never do accordingly.

Regenerate saints are not as such,

Regenerate saints all love Him much.

I search my heart and find not love, but sinful passions I never could let go.

How impossible it is to give Him my all, to give Him my whole!

Why not give up?

Why won’t I stop?

What drives my inconsistent striving? I know not.

What is it that I look for when I seek Your face?

Don’t I despise Your holiness?

Am I not too proud to praise?

How did I ever get here?
The folly of two masters.
Reminiscence of devotion that has seemed to lose its luster.
But did it once shine bright?
How did I ever get here?
A vivid memory of newfound love and fear...

Now I remember that day,

His Word pierced like a sword.

My first glimpse of blinding light;

My eyes were opened.

And I remember that day,

I called upon His Name,

I called Him “Abba, Father”.

Why would I call Him Father,

If I am not His son?

Oh, the dread and bitter sorrow,

And the sweetness that had followed!

The tears and moans and groans and cries and sobs and lifted hands!

The snapping of my heartstrings,

The sight of the King of Kings,

Shall I forget and live three score and ten more years in sin?

Oh, gracious Lord, please help me,

I shall live like this no more!

I have forgotten Your sweet blessings and that You have more in store!

I am foolish and depraved.

Who would want not to be saved?

You are a Master like no other; oh, break my will, make me a slave!

Let me touch Your hands and kiss Your feet,

Good and righteous, have mercy.

Shut my lips with holy light,

Show Your wrath to make me fright.

Oh, let me not speak words and act against them in a blink,

Let me set my eyes upon You and in faith I shall not sink!

But Father, I will fail! Sin will assail!

And my efforts shall seem to no avail.

What shall I do?

What can I do,

But confess my sins and beg for You?

Beg that You will not forsake,

For God’s sake, I'll not feel sate;

I'll knock the door until I bleed,

For there’s none like You whom I so need,

None like You who can me feed,

None who formed all heavens and hell,

None like You, Immanuel!

But please, by You, I persevere,

My prayers and cries, I beg You hear.

My heart’s ground for two laws at fight,

Assure me that I’m on Your side.

For You, O King, You always win;

Yes, You shall put death to my sin!

Give me peace, O gentle Spirit,

Yet help me stand when I feel none.

Endure with me when I am faithless,

From sin, help me swiftly run.

I am a wretched worm and dog,

The type of sinner for whom Christ bled.

Let me know I have hope too,

That in grace I may go to bed.

Help me long to see Your face,

That I may too run well the race.

The cross I’ll bear,

The shield I’ll wear,

The sword, and always cast my cares.

Be still and—

God help me—

Drink the cup,

And never give up.

Crisis Klang; Punishment and Comfort

GRACE IN CRISIS KLANG

I'd first like to clarify that if there's anyone reading this who wasn't invited to the gathering, don't be disappointed, it's not because anybody has anything against you. Those who were invited were elected specially according to the tense conditions that we find in this period of time.

Before the night of our gathering arrived, I expected to have a lot to say about it afterwards. But now I don't really have much to say. Just some sort of wordless, quiet joy, knowing the hope that we have.

So I wouldn't write much about it in this post. I don't feel like describing in detail the profound atmosphere I felt then. I'm simply inclined to do what God leads me to, and watch Him work His wonders. That, I think, is the most effective way I can share my joy.

Here are the sixteen points that Pastor Samuel Ling shared with us that night (entirely his own transcript, I only added the numbers):

GRACE IN CRISIS: A MESSAGE FOR DIFFICULT TIMES

February 27, 2014

1) Believe in God’s providence: God has ordained these moments in your life for you to learn important things.  If you can cross this threshold (perhaps the first time you experience something like this: a crisis moment in the church), God will lead you to the next phase in life for more growth and ministry.  Believe this!  When you learn these lessons well, God will lead you to more lessons and more ministry in the next phases in your life. 

2) Believe always: God is always on the throne!  He is still on the throne, even if you don’t understand what is happening around you, and why things are happening this way.

3) There is a cost for following Christ, and that is suffering.  Being misunderstood, attacked, accused unjustly – that comes with a life of discipleship. 

4) Keep your pure heart which you had from the beginning: love for Christ, love for God’s Word, love for the Church.

5) It is not enough to have knowledge (about the facts, about doctrine).  It is not enough to be in the RIGHT (on the right side of a controversy).  We must do the RIGHT thing.  We must do the BEST (see below), be blameless.

6) Repent often.

7) Watch that you don’t sin with your tongue (or mouse, or pen).

8) Watch out for fleshly behaviour and response: hasty decisions and words; unrighteous anger; sorrow to the point of depression/despair.  Trust God.

9) Respect the offices God appointed for ruling over the church: the minister and the elders (session).  Their office carries with it (a) authority and (b) responsibility.  And their responsibility is THEIR responsibility, not yours.

10) Respect your parents’ authority, especially if you are not yet an adult and you are under their

authority (however defined: not yet form 6? Not yet age 18? Not yet with your own car? Etc.).

11) Often there is no need to defend those whom you love/like.  When a third party comes to talk to you about those whom you love, ask if they have brought the matter up with (a) the person concerned, and (b) the minister/elders of the church.

12) When you see the need to defend yourself, it is best to bring the matter up with the minister and the elders (session).    If you have done this directly, you can refer people who “attack” you directly – you can ask them to talk with the minister/elders.  It is wise to contact the minister/elder with a letter, as well as talking in person, to leave a record of what you said.

 

13) Sometimes, we should have a shepherd’s heart toward the shepherds.  Begin by praying for them.  They have spiritual needs, as Christians.

14) When we repent often and keep being transparent before God, we can be bold and transparent before others.  Sometimes, God calls us to speak words with boldness.  Sometimes God calls us to make decisions from conscience.  And although we obey human authority appointed by God (and we should bend over backwards to make sure we have taken every step to do so), there come moments when we must obey God and God’s Word as a higher authority.  When we make such decisions of conscience, check your heart for: fleshly response; hasty decision; no sin with the tongue; pure heart for Christ, Word and Church; respectful attitude.  Communicate your decision with those appointed to lead the church, directly: the minister and the elders (session).  As to whether to communicate your decision and reasons to other Christians, ask the Holy Spirit for the right timing, and the right people to share with.

15) Remember Jesus’ example: (A) He loved Jerusalem so deeply, he wept for her.  But this weeping was not sentimental, because: (B) He was bold enough to exercise discipline: he chased the money changers out of the temple.  But this was not a bout of uncontrolled anger, because: (C) He continued to carry out his responsibility even on those 4 days before the Cross: he taught the people in the temple every day.  (D) All of this was undergirded with prayer.  And his prayer was integrated with his tearful love, with his bold discipline, and his faithful, responsible service. 

16) Always practice joy.  Rejoice in the Lord.  Be content always for his “cup” for you.

Revised February 28, 2014

* * * * *

PUNISHMENT AND COMFORT

This is just a small thought I had today. I was watching my infant cousin and her dad, and my mind wandered in the topic of disciplining children. Then I suddenly remembered.

When I was younger, when I was punished (either physically or verbally), what I hated even more than the punishment itself was my mother coming to me a while later to comfort me. I felt angry, I thought that she was, in a way, trying to manipulate me. She wanted me to take my punishment, and still love her when she came to comfort me.

I felt it was unnecessary; I thought it would make no difference if she left me alone until the moment passed, except that if she comforted me, I must swallow my pride and respond positively. To me, that was a standard too high, and it scarred my incredibly inflated ego. I didn't want to receive kindness after punishment, because it made me feel deeply that I was at the mercy of my mother, and that I am obliged to agree with that punishment. That was condescending to me, like I'm so terrible that I need to be wooed lest I will hate my punisher.

I realized instantly that this type of attitude finds its roots in my rebellion against God. This sinful inclination also causes me to "wait it out" when I realize I've just sinned greatly. It feels too cheap to come immediately to God in your mess.

Sure, there is a side to faith that means we stand afar, afraid to offend the holiness of God. But there is also a side to sin that keeps us from drawing near appropriately, from trusting and pleading. It is driven by pride and distrust, and its method is dishonesty. You put on a facade and perform a show before God.

I know I've written about something like this before, but I'm once again reminded.

An important question now is, "How willing are you to submit to God's ways?" The key is submission to God's lordship, even willing submission. And that means receiving grace when God commands you to, not using the excuse of "I'm too unworthy of grace" as a cover-up for the pride that refuses to fall on its face before the Lord.

Sinful men despise not only God's curses, but His blessings also. A great folly, this is.

To love, obey, and trust God with a wholehearted, willing heart is indeed a lifetime lesson.